The Season Premiere of Big Brother 13 was this week, so we can all look forward to another summer of scripted Nomination and Power of Veto ceremonies, and Julie "But First" Chen. I was unable to watch the premiere until Sunday since I was in Las Vegas, so that's why this recap is coming so much later than normal. I have finally watched it, and since there isn't really a lot to discuss other than the HoH competition, and the twists that have been announced, let me start off with my first impressions of the new houseguests after only one episode.
Dominic the Mama's Boy – A motorcycle-riding virgin who lives with mom. Can you really call yourself an "Adrenalin Junkie" when you can't even fold your own clothes?
Cassi the Eye-Candy – Loves Country Music, fishing, and drinking a beer (all at once?), but the footage made her look like a soft-core porn model. Says she's a Southern tomboy…a guy’s girl.
Lawon The Flamboyant Legal Clerk– Johnny Fashion loves nicknames and making random noises for no reason. Looked like a watermelon when he entered the house.
Keith the Skirt Chasing Youth Minister – Loves the ladies, and needs his bible. Upon seeing the women in the house, declared "the lord is my shepherd and he knows what I want!" Great message for the kids in the youth ministry I'm sure, along with the fact that he lied about being a minister. What a role model.
Shelley the Hunting VP – According to her, she needs to "look like a lady, act like a man, and work like a dog." I think we can all safely say that she has #2 nailed....did you hear that voice? And she's always talking out of the side of her mouth like she's telling (yelling?) a secret. I love how they're painting her as the "mom" character while showing her leaving a bawling daughter at home in the driveway.
Adam the Metalhead – Appletini-drinking, 90210-loving douche who roars as often as party girls whoop while holding their drinks above their head. Music Inventory Manager? Dude, you can't just keep track of what you have in your iPod and call yourself a Music Inventory Manager...just be honest and say "Unemployed Band Loser."
Kalia the Wannabe Diva – Called herself a real-life Carrie Bradshaw because she writes a relationship blog. That's like me comparing myself to Dalton Ross...laughable. Has a hair phobia, so it's confusing to me why she would move in to a house with 13 strangers.
Porsche the VIP Waitress – Second only to Rachel for annoying laugh, lied to the other houseguests and told them she is a student.
Now, on to my thoughts from the episode:
My Random Thoughts:
- Initially, I wasn't keen on hearing that the players would be forced to play as pairs, with the HoH's duo safe from nominations, and a Duo up for eviction. But after hearing about the Golden Key aspect of it, I actually liked it, even if it will only last for 4 weeks. Targeting a duo and knowing that one of them will be around for 1-4 weeks more...WITH A VOTE, changes the game entirely. At least for the next 4 weeks.
- Rachel was so happy to announce that she and Brendan are engaged, and then she talked about how they took a hot air balloon ride and he proposed on the beach. I wish they would have told the real story of their engagement, which went something like this: Brendan texted photos of his weiner to some girl he met on the internet, got busted, then proposed to Rachel to smooth things over. (Look it up.)
- Jeff and Jordan are definitely the new Rob and Amber, back on reality TV once again. And don't try to edit Jordan as being the idiot again this season (like that math commentary in the Diary Room with Jeff), she's a former winner, even if Evel Dick doesn't remember that.
- Evel Dick and Danielle haven't spoken in three years? Why would either of them agree to come back knowing that they would have to play as a duo? Sure it worked last time, but no way can they not be the #1 target for anyone with a brain. CBS must have forked out a pretty penny for that.
- The HOH competition was very similar to last year’s initial HoH: hang on to a giant phallic food item, while getting sprayed by random messy crap. Best lines from the challenge: “Jordan is first to fall off my banana” (Jeff), "Don’t touch my butt with your head please” (Dominic), and “It’s all well and good riding a big banana, then you get shot with whipped cream in the face”, from Rachel, who goes back-to-back in winning the award for most suggestive line in the first HoH competition. (Last year's winner: "I definitely want to jump on those big weiners"?
Man-talker, Bow-Hunter Shelley gave us the first in what is sure to be a season-long parade of excuses by losers who didn't win the challenge, giving the tried, tested, and true "I don't want to be seen as a huge threat." Look, if you fall 30 seconds into your first challenge, I'm sure that isn't going to be a problem, and from what I can tell, unless the challenge is shooting something from a distance with a bow and arrow, or doing Barry White vocal impressions, that shouldn't be a problem at any point.
- Rachel won the first HoH, and Sunday night, we'll see who she nominates. It'll be interesting to see how this Golden Key affects the game.
For those of you that found my blog through my Survivor or Amazing Race Recaps, or perhaps through Sirlinksalot, TV Clubhouse or EW.com, I am happy to announce that I will be recapping the entire season of Big Brother this summer. A couple of things you should know:
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