Big Brother Recap: “Zombies, Cornholes, And A Wicked Case Of Déjà Vu”

As Rachel would say upon entering the Big Brother House…I’m back, bitches!

Initially, I was planning on not watching Big Brother anymore after last week’s debacle…but after a few days of simmering, I’ve decided that since I’m too weak to actually stop watching Big Brother this summer, I might as well keep recapping it. A few thoughts on the last couple of episodes before getting on to tonight’s Live Eviction.

- With all the talk of “backdooring” Brendon, all I could think of was that definitely sounds like something he would be sharing on Skype, don’t you think? And then everyone kept talking about “cornhole”, and I started to get worried. Thankfully it was all just game talk.

- I was disappointed in Jeff keeping the $5000 prize from the Veto competition. After seeing the selfless act that Jordan made, giving Shelly the phone call from home, and knowing she would get screwed with the worst prize (since she was the veto holder), and considering the fact that Jeff had already won $10,000, why didn’t he switch with her? That way, she gets 5K and he gets 10K, and he absorbs the Humilitard penalty instead of him getting 15K and Jordan getting the Humilitard.

It’s not that bad of a punishment, actually. Jordan looks kind of cute in it. But how ridiculous would Jeff have looked? That’s a punishment.

- After Shelly’s 24-hour solitary confinement, the rest of the hamsters greeted her with food, drink, and a cigarette on a platter. That penalty must have been a nightmare for Shelly the chain-smoker. Have you ever been around a smoker when they can’t smoke for that long?

It reminded me of 2 years ago, when I was on my way to Las Vegas, and our plane was diverted to Colorado Springs, where we sat on the tarmac for FIVE HOURS without being able to deplane. I know that doesn’t seem like that traumatic of a story, but of the 6 of us that were traveling, 4 were smokers (not me), and having to spend 10 hours with 4 people who are craving a cigarette BADLY was not fun at all. (Shout-outs to Tony, Dave, Jer, Meg, and Mel…what an experience) Read about that day in this post from 2009.

But enough about the last two episodes…on to tonight’s Live Eviction Show…

My Random Thoughts:

- Rachel just doesn’t get the basic math of this game, does she? After Zombie Brendon went on the block, she ranted that evicting Brendon would be a stupid move on Daniele’s part because she “made 2 enemies.” Well…not really, because if Brendon gets evicted, then one of those enemies is already gone, so it’s not really an issue, except for a potential Jury Vote.

Also, she makes constant threats that if she doesn’t get her way, then “I’m coming after you next week.” Does she realize that her threats to come after everyone hold no water unless she wins HoH? Is she really that stupid? Wait…don’t answer that.

- Bring on the waterworks, as Psycho Rachel started her no-tears-crying and making Brendon console her again. It’s all about her, you know. Then, Buki Brendon told her “I came back in this game to remind you that you can do this.” Really? That’s why you came back? Just to remind Rachel? I seriously get dumber just watching these two interact with each other.

- Talking about how they needed Jeff and Jordan to stay on their side for Brendon to have a chance to stay, Rachel then said “If Jeff and Jordan flipped, they would be #1 on my hit list.” Once again, this idiot needs a math lesson: if Dani and Kalia are on your hit list, and now Jeff and Jordan are on your hit list, and you hate Shelly, and Porsche and Adam are floaters, does that mean that ALL SEVEN of the remaining houseguest are #1 on your hit list?

- After another Brenchel bully session, Rachel ranted that Jeff and Jordan were worried about what the house thinks, which is a foreign concept for Rachel, since they’re actually trying to win the game. Rachel said “We would vote for you no matter what”, which is why she would have no chance to win, even if she got to the end. As I’ve pointed out before, it’s the Russell Hantz School Of Planning To Get To The End But Having No Shot To Win Since You’ve Pissed Off The Entire Jury.
(Or RHSOPTGTTEBHNSTWSYPOTEJ for short)

Jeff correctly pointed out that no matter how he and Jordan vote, Brendon would go home, so their vote means nothing. But Rachel didn’t want to listen to logic, and instead sulked like a baby…as usual.

- Is Shelly just spending all of her time out in the backyard tanning? She looks like a saddlebag.

- We heard more about how much Shelly misses her daughter, who apparently lives in a gator-infested neighbourhood with her over-protective stay-at-home father. With this segment, Josie continued to be a more developed character this season than Porsche is. Are we really so hard up for footage on the Live Eviction show that we’re taking strategy tips from an eight-year-old??? I have to be honest, though…I laughed out loud when the kid said “Shut up, Rachel” to the TV. Didn’t you?

- Daniele pridefully told Julie, “the smallest girl in the house evicting the biggest guy in the house…again.” Did you see the look on the Chenbot’s face when she said that? So much for drama with the voting, huh? And for the love of GOD, Julie, will you stop reminding us that America chose Brendon to go back into the game! No matter how many times you say it, it’s still a lie.

- Shelly loves Jordan and those who kept her company in solitary confinement. Brendon loves UCLA and cancer research (and texting his weiner), and will vote for a competitor, not a floater. Yawn.

- Rachel: “Unlike the other cowards in this house, I choose to go against the house and vote to evict Shelly.” What’s the point, you smug, idiotic skank? What do you accomplish with that absurd speech?

- Rachel always tells us that “no one comes between me and my man”, but it’s becoming pretty obvious that Daniele has an innate talent to constantly (successfully) come between Rachel and her man, as he was voted out 5-1. What is Daniele going to do if she wins HoH again? I’m guessing CBS will find some loophole for Brendon to come back…again. Maybe we’ll see Daniele evict him 3 times in one season.

- When you get voted out of Big Brother for the second time in one season, you shouldn’t get goodbye messages the second time. Lawon didn’t even get an exit interview last week on the live show, and Brendon gets two video packages??? Try and tell me again that this season isn’t weighted to favor Brendon and Rachel. Absurd!

- The HoH competition is another redux from seasons past: fill up a large container with something a tiny bit at a time until you can get a ping-pong ball while slipping all over the place. What that means is you can expect the first 10 minutes of Sunday’s episode to be footage of the houseguests wiping out before Jeff wins.

I look forward to laughing uproariously every time Rachel falls down, and then watching her whine and cry “I’m going home” before she even leaves the backyard. You heard it here, first.

WHY THE HELL IS THERE A DOUBLE EVICTION NEXT WEEK WHEN YOU JUST SENT SOMEONE BACK IN THE HOUSE????

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