No More Big Brother Recaps

I should have just quit a couple of weeks ago when I said I would. After yet another ridiculous set-up by CBS to rig the outcome of Big Brother, I am finished with recapping this show. 100% (Take a final drink.)

I've always maintained that this site will be Spoiler-Free, so I won't reveal the details, but you'll see in the next two episodes.

For those of you that enjoy and have enjoyed my recaps, please come back in September when I will be recapping the new seasons of Survivor and The Amazing Race, so please bookmark the site, or add me on Facebook or Twitter. All recaps will be posted within one hour of the show ending on the East Coast.

Thanks for reading this season.

Big Brother Recap: "Double Eviction...All The Way."

Tonight's episode of Big Brother finds Dani up against Kalia for eviction. No time for small talk…this is a Double Eviction Episode, so let’s get right to it…

My Random Thoughts:

- When the hell did Jeff turn into “Big Jeff”? Does the only Jeff in the house need a qualifier? Sure, he’s a strapping lad, but it’s not like he exceptionally tall…or big, really. And what’s the deal with calling yourself “Big Jeff”? In my Survivor recaps two seasons ago, I mentioned every week how ridiculous it was that we had a “Purple Kelly”, but at least she never called herself Purple Kelly.

- Shelly correctly identified that she could never beat Jeff and Jordan at the end of the game, and tried to swing the house in favour of keeping Daniele and working with her as part of an alliance. She tried to sway Adam, who was reluctant, but found an ally in the unlikeliest of places…RACHEL!

- Once Psycho Rachel found out that Jeff threw the POV competition the week that Brendon was evicted, Rachel apparently decided that she didn’t want to work with Jeff and Jordan anymore. Now, I understand that this would be pretty upsetting to Rachel, but if you’re going to do something about it and flip because you are offended that Brendon got evicted, why would you go with the one who NOMINATED HIM??

- After our recap of events in the house, the Chenbot told us that the houseguests just exploded “when Jeff learned that Shelly has flipped once again.” Damn, I wish I could have seen that, but it’s pretty odd for Julie to tell us what just happened as they were sitting there during the live show.

- Daniele’s “farewell” speech was a carbon copy of Dominic’s “Spineless Jellyfish” rant. Sounds like the go-to speech when you know you’re getting evicted. The scoffing look on Rachel’s face made it pretty clear that she wasn’t actually going to vote for Daniele, even though we were led to believe she had flipped. Daniele was voted out 3-2.

- Rachel proved once again that she has absolutely no interest in trying to win the game when her goodbye message to Daniele featured her saying “I could care less about your stupid jury vote.” Yep…it’s pretty clear that you don’t care about anyone’s Jury Vote. Newsflash Rachel: Jury Votes aren’t stupid…they’re pretty crucial, actually. Full credit to Daniele for offering no rebuttal other than to say “how can you edit something like that?” What a perfect response.

- Kalia won the “Before or After” HoH competition, which clearly frustrated the veteran alliance of Jeff, Jordan, and Rachel since they knew that two of them would end up being nominated. Before the nominations, we eavesdropped on the houseguests, where we got to see some real quality TV as someone burped on their microphone (Shelly, I think), and Kalia complained about her outfit before nominating Jeff and Rachel.

- I really hate when they get behind time in these Double Eviction episodes, and as a result, Julie Chen has to race through her pre-written speeches and competition questions. Slow down, woman! You sound like an auctioneer!

- With the house so firmly divided (Jeff, Rachel, Jordan, Adam vs. Kalia, Shelly, Porsche), and Jeff and Rachel on the block, regardless of the POV results, it would end up being a 2-2 tie vote anyways, with Kalia breaking the tie as the HoH, so the house was going to end up being 3 vs 3 at the end of this “week” anyways…it was just a matter of who would be leaving from the alliance of 4.

- Porsche won the POV competition, but did you see that shot of Jeff as he was flinging balls out of his bin? He had thrown his shoe out of the bin and it was laying outside of the bin on the side!!! Look at the picture below that I took during the episode. Talk about someone being over-exuberant and causing their own demise!

Despite Jeff complimenting Porsche’s hair, and pointing out that he used his veto on her last week, Porsche predictably left the nominations the same, and even stuck it to Jeff and Rachel by saying it’s what Daniele would have wanted her to do. Ouch.

- What’s the point of “eavesdropping on the house” if the volume cuts out (presumably due to swearing by the houseguests) every time we listen in?

- Even though Jeff begged and begged for votes, the second eviction vote was an obvious 2-2 tie, and Kalia relished in her duty to single-handedly evict Jeff from the house. After a week where Jeff shoved the concept of “retribution” in her face, it was a heaping serving of “just desserts” for Big Jeff. Too bad you chucked that shoe out of your bin...

- The big move that made this happen was Shelly’s flip, and as upset as Jeff was about being evicted by people “who slept for 55 days and just woke up”, from a game play standpoint, it was a smart move, and the only move that gives any of the newbies a shot to win. That includes you, Adam.

- As much as I enjoyed Rachel’s spiraling over Brendon’s exit, it was tough to watch Jordan be so distraught over Jeff leaving. It was even worse watching Rachel fake-cry with her on the couch as the show ended.

One quick note, I will be recapping Sunday’s episode as usual, but I will not be recapping next week’s Wednesday or Thursday episode, as I won’t be able to watch them until the weekend. I’ll still put something together after I watch them, but it won’t be online right after the episode as usual.

Please keep in mind that my recaps will always be based on the TV airings of Big Brother. I do not, and will not, be watching or reading any info from the live feeds. Please keep that in mind as I intend to keep the entire season on my site SPOILER-FREE. After each episode, my recaps should be online and live within 15 minutes of the show ending on the East Coast.

Big Brother fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Big Brother Recap:“Unless Scientists Serve Mai Tais, I’m Pretty Sure She’s A Waitress…ZING.”

With Porsche and Kalia on the block, and Daniele wondering if her deal with Jeff and Jordan was still on the table, this week’s POV competition was crucial. Would the POV winner shake up the nominations? Does Daniele have a reason to be worried? And are the rumours true…is the Zingbot 3000 really back?!?

My Random Thoughts:

- Did anyone else find the first ten minutes of this episode as painful as I did? Kalia, Porsche, and Daniele talked about being nominated, Jeff and Adam smoked, and pretty much nothing else happened until Rachel started trying to antagonize Daniele about turning 25. “One time, when I turned 25…last year,” Rachel said, proving once again that she is a complete idiot. This is the sort of post-nomination drama we get?

Was it just me, or was it really that boring? I mean, I was watching the show from my basement since my area is under a Tornado Red Alert, so maybe that was it…but it sure felt like bad TV. (That's right, I'm posting this while torrential rains, wind, thunder and lightning crash around my house...that's my commitment to my readers!)

- Jordan’s Humilitard week came to an end in the backyard with a Southern Charm Strip-Off that saw her give pieces of the outfit to each of the houseguests. Much more entertaining than last season’s “shun” of the Penguin Suit by Enzo.

- Did we seriously watch two minutes of Jeff and Jordan in bed discussing how to pronounce “mischievous”? This is seriously the worst episode of the season so far.

- I can’t even put into words how much I love the Zingbot 3000. I’ve been waiting for this moment since I saw him in the audience earlier this season. Since there was really nothing else interesting in this episode, let’s recap the Zings:

o “Porsche, shouldn’t you be named after a car with a roomier trunk?”
o “Rachel, every other word out of your mouth is the F word…”fiancé.” (Should have been “floater”)
o “Daniele, do you own a car or do you still prefer to ride your daddy’s coattails?”
o “Adam, I don’t think your girlfriend realized she was dating Uncle Fester.”
o “Shelly, What do you call someone who likes to smoke, hunt, and fish? A dude.”
o “Kalia, you write a sex blog, but you seem to be an expert on the things done after sex…like sleeping.”
o “Jordan, the only reason Jeff hasn’t proposed yet is because he knows you’re horrible at answering questions.”

- In a boring jigsaw-puzzle challenge that was interspersed with the houseguests zinging each other in the Diary Room (“all of Kalia’s dates have chargers”…LOL!), Big Jeff won the POV.

- Kalia was worried that she was going to be the target because she’s “a bigger threat than Porsche.” First of all, the fake grass in the backyard is “a bigger threat than Porsche,” and Kalia thinking that she’s a target because she’s “a bigger threat than Porsche” is like driving a crappy old Ford Pinto and saying the only reason someone tried to steal it is because it’s “way nicer than the Yugo.”

- After a bunch of pleading by Daniele, Kalia, and Porsche, Jeff ended up making the smart move and putting Daniele on the block. I did enjoy his parting shot to Daniele: “If you leave on Thursday and Julie asks you that same question…I hope you have a different answer.” ZING!

- Bad Episode + Predictable Result = Short Recap. Sorry folks…let’s hope tomorrow’s episode is better.

Please keep in mind that my recaps will always be based on the TV airings of Big Brother. I do not, and will not, be watching or reading any info from the live feeds. Please keep that in mind as I intend to keep the entire season on my site SPOILER-FREE. After each episode, my recaps should be online and live within 15 minutes of the show ending on the East Coast.

Big Brother fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Big Brother Recap: “I Think I’m The Saddest Girl In A Sombrero…Ever.”

Thursday night’s Live Eviction Show saw America’s (Not Real) Choice Brendon get evicted for the second time, and the houseguests competing in a soapy HoH challenge. Who would overcome the slips and slides to become the new HoH, and who would they nominate?

My Random Thoughts:

- At the end of Thursday’s show, The Chenbot told us that this coming Thursday will be a Double Eviction episode, which makes me ask the obvious question: Why the hell would you let someone re-enter the game if you’re having a Double Eviction episode only 2 weeks later? Just more proof that CBS is rigging this season to favor the veterans, as I’ve said all along.

- In the HoH competition, ‘All Washed Up’, Shelly was competing for Josie (shocker) while doing really weird things with her tongue, Jordan was at a severe disadvantage because of the added weight of a soaked Humilitard, Jeff kept choking on bubbles, Kalia may have been able to move faster running backwards, and Adam had a major wipe-out. After 90 minutes, of slipping, sliding, and suds-swallowing, Jeff had won HoH.

As I said at the end of my last recap, "you can expect the first 10 minutes of Sunday’s episode to be footage of the houseguests wiping out before Jeff wins."

- Rachel talked about Daniele, Kalia, and Porsche being disappointed at not winning the HoH competition, and said “Come on girls. At least when you win, I pretend like I’m happy.” What planet is this freak from? When Daniele and Kalia won HoH, she was the first one to sulk, bitch, and complain, and constantly act like a petulant child. If that’s pretending like she’s happy, God help anyone when she’s actually upset.

- Freak-Job Rachel then said that now that Jeff is HoH, “I definitely need my alliance.” Of course…when Jeff said he couldn’t vote for Brendon to stay, you were an ass to him, and you talked about him and Jordan being your “#1 target”, but now that Jeff has the power in the house, you’re suddenly best friends again.

- Shelly was the first one to point that out after the HoH competition (although you’d have to be a blind monkey to have missed it), and talked about how much she couldn’t stand Rachel. Have you ever seen two people in the same alliance despise each other so much?

- I loved Jeff’s line at revealing his HoH room: “Put on a fake face like everyone else does and get up here.” He got pictures of his parents, his nieces, and some fish, as well as a box of Lucky Charms and a letter from his brother. Nice to see a family side of Jeff, and hear how close he is with his nieces. You have to think that Jeff would be a pretty cool uncle to have if you’re a kid, wouldn’t he?

- Shelley told Rachel to stop rolling her eyes and talking behind her back (??), and Rachel didn’t respond, although in a Diary Room session, she said she wanted to tell Shelly “a few things…or two.” What the hell does that mean?

- Shelly has never heard of pears, pita, hummus, avocado, guacamole, or coconut water? Then she told Daniele, “you’re always cuttin’ up vegetables and makin’ vegetable sandwiches”…and she didn’t even say it matter-of-fact, she said it rather accusingly. I guess if it’s not peanut butter or you can’t shoot it with a crossbow, it doesn’t find it’s way into Shelly’s kitchen.

- Interesting swerve on the Have/Have Not angle this week, with the HoH deciding who will be Have Nots instead of having a competition. I liked the social game at play with this little switch-up. Sucks for Daniele to be a Have Not for her birthday and be limited to slop, eggs, and jalapenos. Can you make a birthday cake from that?

- I’ve mentioned this before, but it drives me insane how almost every conversation on this show takes place while people are lying in bed. Are you really too lazy to even be able to sit upright to have a discussion? And it’s not like you even see it happen just because they happen to be lying down in bed…how many times have you seen them walk into a room to talk, and then climb into bed, under the covers, to have that conversation? See what I mean in the pictures below...and try to get past the fact that Porsche looks like she's about to murder someone.

- Jeff confirmed to Daniele that their “deal” was still strong, and that she wasn’t going up as a nominee or a replacement nominee, but he also had to get her to admit that she wouldn’t use the veto if she won it. As a result, Daniele said she likely won’t try to win it. Whether that’s true or not, I’m not sure.

- Porsche awkwardly tried to talk to Jeff about nominations after 49 days of just existing in the house with complete disregard for the game at hand. Credit to Jeff for not laughing in her face at that conversation.

- Jeff ended up nominating Porsche and Kalia, fulfilling his promise to Kalia to get her back for putting him on the block, and making Porsche feel some heat for the first time since Week One, when she narrowly survived a 6-4 vote vs. Keith the Pervert. I wonder why Rachel was the first key pulled…was that a message that Jeff trusts her in their alliance?

Please keep in mind that my recaps will always be based on the TV airings of Big Brother. I do not, and will not, be watching or reading any info from the live feeds. Please keep that in mind as I intend to keep the entire season on my site SPOILER-FREE. After each episode, my recaps should be online and live within 15 minutes of the show ending on the East Coast.

Big Brother fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. For those of you that I have connected with on Facebook and Twitter, if I see spoilers from the live feeds, I will remove you so that I can attempt to remain spoiler-free. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Big Brother Recap: “Zombies, Cornholes, And A Wicked Case Of Déjà Vu”

As Rachel would say upon entering the Big Brother House…I’m back, bitches!

Initially, I was planning on not watching Big Brother anymore after last week’s debacle…but after a few days of simmering, I’ve decided that since I’m too weak to actually stop watching Big Brother this summer, I might as well keep recapping it. A few thoughts on the last couple of episodes before getting on to tonight’s Live Eviction.

- With all the talk of “backdooring” Brendon, all I could think of was that definitely sounds like something he would be sharing on Skype, don’t you think? And then everyone kept talking about “cornhole”, and I started to get worried. Thankfully it was all just game talk.

- I was disappointed in Jeff keeping the $5000 prize from the Veto competition. After seeing the selfless act that Jordan made, giving Shelly the phone call from home, and knowing she would get screwed with the worst prize (since she was the veto holder), and considering the fact that Jeff had already won $10,000, why didn’t he switch with her? That way, she gets 5K and he gets 10K, and he absorbs the Humilitard penalty instead of him getting 15K and Jordan getting the Humilitard.

It’s not that bad of a punishment, actually. Jordan looks kind of cute in it. But how ridiculous would Jeff have looked? That’s a punishment.

- After Shelly’s 24-hour solitary confinement, the rest of the hamsters greeted her with food, drink, and a cigarette on a platter. That penalty must have been a nightmare for Shelly the chain-smoker. Have you ever been around a smoker when they can’t smoke for that long?

It reminded me of 2 years ago, when I was on my way to Las Vegas, and our plane was diverted to Colorado Springs, where we sat on the tarmac for FIVE HOURS without being able to deplane. I know that doesn’t seem like that traumatic of a story, but of the 6 of us that were traveling, 4 were smokers (not me), and having to spend 10 hours with 4 people who are craving a cigarette BADLY was not fun at all. (Shout-outs to Tony, Dave, Jer, Meg, and Mel…what an experience) Read about that day in this post from 2009.

But enough about the last two episodes…on to tonight’s Live Eviction Show…

My Random Thoughts:

- Rachel just doesn’t get the basic math of this game, does she? After Zombie Brendon went on the block, she ranted that evicting Brendon would be a stupid move on Daniele’s part because she “made 2 enemies.” Well…not really, because if Brendon gets evicted, then one of those enemies is already gone, so it’s not really an issue, except for a potential Jury Vote.

Also, she makes constant threats that if she doesn’t get her way, then “I’m coming after you next week.” Does she realize that her threats to come after everyone hold no water unless she wins HoH? Is she really that stupid? Wait…don’t answer that.

- Bring on the waterworks, as Psycho Rachel started her no-tears-crying and making Brendon console her again. It’s all about her, you know. Then, Buki Brendon told her “I came back in this game to remind you that you can do this.” Really? That’s why you came back? Just to remind Rachel? I seriously get dumber just watching these two interact with each other.

- Talking about how they needed Jeff and Jordan to stay on their side for Brendon to have a chance to stay, Rachel then said “If Jeff and Jordan flipped, they would be #1 on my hit list.” Once again, this idiot needs a math lesson: if Dani and Kalia are on your hit list, and now Jeff and Jordan are on your hit list, and you hate Shelly, and Porsche and Adam are floaters, does that mean that ALL SEVEN of the remaining houseguest are #1 on your hit list?

- After another Brenchel bully session, Rachel ranted that Jeff and Jordan were worried about what the house thinks, which is a foreign concept for Rachel, since they’re actually trying to win the game. Rachel said “We would vote for you no matter what”, which is why she would have no chance to win, even if she got to the end. As I’ve pointed out before, it’s the Russell Hantz School Of Planning To Get To The End But Having No Shot To Win Since You’ve Pissed Off The Entire Jury.
(Or RHSOPTGTTEBHNSTWSYPOTEJ for short)

Jeff correctly pointed out that no matter how he and Jordan vote, Brendon would go home, so their vote means nothing. But Rachel didn’t want to listen to logic, and instead sulked like a baby…as usual.

- Is Shelly just spending all of her time out in the backyard tanning? She looks like a saddlebag.

- We heard more about how much Shelly misses her daughter, who apparently lives in a gator-infested neighbourhood with her over-protective stay-at-home father. With this segment, Josie continued to be a more developed character this season than Porsche is. Are we really so hard up for footage on the Live Eviction show that we’re taking strategy tips from an eight-year-old??? I have to be honest, though…I laughed out loud when the kid said “Shut up, Rachel” to the TV. Didn’t you?

- Daniele pridefully told Julie, “the smallest girl in the house evicting the biggest guy in the house…again.” Did you see the look on the Chenbot’s face when she said that? So much for drama with the voting, huh? And for the love of GOD, Julie, will you stop reminding us that America chose Brendon to go back into the game! No matter how many times you say it, it’s still a lie.

- Shelly loves Jordan and those who kept her company in solitary confinement. Brendon loves UCLA and cancer research (and texting his weiner), and will vote for a competitor, not a floater. Yawn.

- Rachel: “Unlike the other cowards in this house, I choose to go against the house and vote to evict Shelly.” What’s the point, you smug, idiotic skank? What do you accomplish with that absurd speech?

- Rachel always tells us that “no one comes between me and my man”, but it’s becoming pretty obvious that Daniele has an innate talent to constantly (successfully) come between Rachel and her man, as he was voted out 5-1. What is Daniele going to do if she wins HoH again? I’m guessing CBS will find some loophole for Brendon to come back…again. Maybe we’ll see Daniele evict him 3 times in one season.

- When you get voted out of Big Brother for the second time in one season, you shouldn’t get goodbye messages the second time. Lawon didn’t even get an exit interview last week on the live show, and Brendon gets two video packages??? Try and tell me again that this season isn’t weighted to favor Brendon and Rachel. Absurd!

- The HoH competition is another redux from seasons past: fill up a large container with something a tiny bit at a time until you can get a ping-pong ball while slipping all over the place. What that means is you can expect the first 10 minutes of Sunday’s episode to be footage of the houseguests wiping out before Jeff wins.

I look forward to laughing uproariously every time Rachel falls down, and then watching her whine and cry “I’m going home” before she even leaves the backyard. You heard it here, first.

WHY THE HELL IS THERE A DOUBLE EVICTION NEXT WEEK WHEN YOU JUST SENT SOMEONE BACK IN THE HOUSE????

Please keep in mind that my recaps will always be based on the TV airings of Big Brother. I do not, and will not, be watching or reading any info from the live feeds. Please keep that in mind as I intend to keep the entire season on my site SPOILER-FREE. After each episode, my recaps should be online and live within 15 minutes of the show ending on the East Coast.

Big Brother fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. For those of you that I have connected with on Facebook and Twitter, if I see spoilers from the live feeds, I will remove you so that I can attempt to remain spoiler-free. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

August 17, 2011: No Big Brother Recap Tonight

Just a reminder that there will be no Big Brother Recap tonight. I'm considering starting again for the Live Eviction show tomorrow...

Big Brother (Non) Recap: August 14, 2011

I'm still pretty riled up about what happened on Thursday night's episode of Big Brother, a completely transparent attempt by the producers of the show to try and make fools of Big Brother Fans, and rigging a vote for Brendon to get back in the game, and then rigging a competition that would assure he would win.

I'm still not sure if I can recap anymore, so I've decided to take a week off and see how I feel after that week. So, having said that, there will be no recaps for the next three episodes, and then I will make a decision next week on whether to continue or not.

Thank you to all of you who have sent me emails or messages asking me to continue, and telling me how much you enjoy my recaps. That really means a lot, and I appreciate it more than you know. 

I'll update you all next week.

Big Brother Recap: "Redemption Island Comes To The Big Brother House"

After a week of excessive drama in the Big Brother house, could Rachel really have enough votes to stay this week? Why does everyone want to punch someone or something? And most importantly, which houseguest will return from Redemption Island...um, I mean... sequester...to re-enter the game?

My Random Thoughts:

- Lawon went on about how excited he was to be on the block, talking about his impending special powers and his 99% certainty (sorry, no drink on that one) that he would be coming back. He then went on to talk about what a bold move it was, and told the rest of the houseguests that he wasn’t stupid. I beg to differ, since this is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen.

Lawon over-acted trying to come across as annoyed about the nomination, but it was pretty easy to see through, and Shelly figured it out in approximately a nanosecond. He even went so far as to say he wanted to punch something and “slam a damn door” (gasp!). Mama Spears simply went up and asked Kalia if Lawon volunteered…and the HoH sang like a canary.

- Rachel went up to the HoH room to try to strike a deal with Daniele and Kalia, and at the end of the pow-wow, they had seemingly agreed to a deal, even though Daniele said “every time she opens her mouth I want to punch it closed.” The only caveat was that she couldn’t say anything about the proposed deal, and to the crazy lady’s credit, she didn’t actually spill anything to anyone afterwards.

- I’ve got to give Shelly credit, she got all CSI in this episode, trying to figure out what was going on with Rachel and Daniele/Kalia, so she went and put the bug in Dani’s ear that Rachel was freaking out after they met, and suggested that it appeared a deal was struck. It was completely untrue, but it served it’s purpose, and gave Shelly some valuable info, and put a wedge between the potential alliance.

- Julie had her obligatory mini-talk with the houseguests and we learned the following: Daniele isn’t worried about the Twist, Shelly wants to make Adam cry, Jordan is “gripey” about being a Have Not, and Jeff thinks the game is getting harder.

- I really enjoyed the footage from last season of Ragan insulting Rachel, but was shocked to see that they are friends outside the house. Not shocking was that Matt and Ragan’s bromance is still going strong. Funny to see Matt talk about what I mentioned in my last recap, that when Rachel cries, there are no tears. Very astute observation by Ragan that Rachel is like the killer at the end of a horror movie. Only difference is that I don’t think she’s acting…

- The winner of the most obvious statement of the week went to Kalia, who told Julie that if Lawon leaves this week and doesn’t return, she will “feel responsible.” Why on Earth would you feel responsible since you were the one who nominated him and orchestrated the plan to keep Rachel?

- Just before the houseguests voted, Rachel reminded everyone that there was a twist this week, and Lawon’s farewell speech was a mish-mash of partial English and random sounds, making me even more confused than when he normally talks.

- Lawon was voted out unanimously, and just before he left the House, Julie revealed the Twist to the house, and upon hearing that Brendon may be able to return to the game, Rachel’s mouth was left agape in a pose I’m sure she is quite accustomed to. Come on, you know it’s not the first time she’s cramped up like that…

- My girlfriend asked me during this episode what I thought would happen if Rachel gets voted out and Brendon gets voted in, so that they would have to compete against each other, specifically if I thought that Brendon would let her win so she could go back in the house. I said that yes, he would, and isn’t that a disgusting thought? Because you know he would. Thank god it didn’t play out that way.

- Julie talked to the America’s Vote candidates, which were 75% comprised of the worst Big Brother Alliance in history: The Regulators. Everyone was shocked to see Brendon, Keith kept trying to cop a feel on Cassi (some things never change, huh Keith?), and Brendon was shocked to hear Rachel wasn’t evicted. Also, a note for Dominic, I think offering your first-born child when you’re a 25-year old virgin who lives at home doesn’t really carry a lot of weight.

- The winner of the America’s vote was Brendon, with over 50% of the vote, which disgusted me to no end, because there is no way that this was not fixed. I’m so disillusioned with this ridiculous turn of events that I’m considering ditching this show. Just like Survivor: Redemption Island with Rob and Russell, these shows are rigged to protect the returning players. What a farce.

Could that challenge have been any more rigged for Brendon to win? Rachel was able to yell out which balls Brendon needed to get to win the competition? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I’m seriously so pissed off, I’m not even writing any more after watching that. Seriously.

Brendon won and is back in the house. No new HoH yet.

See you Sunday…maybe.

Please keep in mind that my recaps will always be based on the TV airings of Big Brother. I do not, and will not, be watching or reading any info from the live feeds. Please keep that in mind as I intend to keep the entire season on my site SPOILER-FREE. After each episode, my recaps should be online and live within 15 minutes of the show ending on the East Coast.

Big Brother fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Big Brother Recap: “I Can’t Take Any More Women Crying”

At the end of Sunday's episode, Rachel and Jeff were on the block, with Rachel as the supposed target for eviction. After a few days in the house, is that still the case? What changes (if any) will the POV bring? And who is celebrating a milestone birthday?

My Random Thoughts:

- Rachel ranted that Kalia’s nominations were actually the handiwork of Daniele, and that this HoH was “100% Daniele’s”, which I believe is the earliest occasion this season that we’ve had to take a drink in our drinking game, 18 seconds.

Rachel had another blow-up, of course, and tried to chase Daniele and verbally attack her, but Shelly stopped her and played the role of Brendon trying to calm her down. Only instead of telling her how he loved her and how beautiful she was, she tried to use honesty and logic in showing her it was a bad idea. Rachel’s response? “I don’t care. Leave me alone.”

- Rachel then said that “Daniele has turned everyone in this house against me” and ranted to Jordan that Daniele had the audacity to get rid of her fiancé “RIGHT BEFORE the jury", so that they couldn’t even spend the summer together if they were eliminated. Did I miss the episode where it was decided that Daniele’s game is supposed to cater to Rachel’s romantic interests?

I’ve talked repeatedly about how Rachel is a massive drama queen, but have you noticed that every time Rachel is “crying”, there aren’t actually any tears? It’s always fake crying for attention, except for the few drops that she can squeeze out to smear her mascara and make it look like someone has taken a Sharpie and tried to turn her into a raccoon. She even went so far this time as to fake pack her bags and pretend like she was leaving.

This whiny meltdown was so unbearable that I actually did something for the first time ever with this show: I muted the volume because I couldn’t take any more of Rachel’s ridiculous meltdown. My mood was like Jordan’s demeanor…head in her hands, incredulous at the stupidity and absurdity of it all.

- Kalia started to show that she was getting affected by the fact that the house is feeling like she is a follower and is doing the work of Daniele, and she had her own little meltdown in the HoH room. Did anyone else notice that when Kalia was in the Diary Room, she was wearing a blue plaid shirt that was so tight it looked like it was ready to explode? Honestly, I was expecting the buttons to snap off and fly into the camera.

- Jeff and Jordan asked Shelly if she was still with them, and the Side-Talker took offense and stormed out. More important than the suggested “falling out” was the “making up” where Jeff smoothed things over with her, ending in a good old-fashioned pinky swear. It was a pretty lame pinky swear, if you ask me…the fingers didn’t even link, which, as I understand it, nullifies the pinky swear. They just kind of slapped fingers by each other…it was more like a “High-One.”

BUT…Shelly ended the conversation by saying that they were 100% good, so drink up. And Jeff followed up by saying that they were 110% GOOD, and as you know, any percentage over 100 is TWO drinks. Is your screen blurry yet?

- The POV competition had the houseguests all dressed in Greek outfits, which had me craving souvlaki and gyros. Daniele looked smokin’ in her toga, Lawon was Big Pimpin’ in his outfit (according to Jeff), Kalia looked like a big bumblebee, Adam has “more balls than Jeff” according to Jordan, and we learned a new phrase as Kalia described Adam as a “Mega floater.”

The competition itself seemed like a carnival game, but 300 times over that ramp? Are you kidding me? I liked it, but it would have been more challenging had it not been enclosed by glass and the ball could have also fallen off the sides. Did anyone else laugh at Rachel’s fail-and-flail as she wiped out trying to save her ball from falling?

- In the end, Jeff came from behind to just beat Adam and win the POV. Rachel started immediately with more “Pity me” drama, which caused Jeff to tell us, “my niece, who is five years old, handles losing better than Rachel does.”

- For Adam’s 40th birthday in the house, he decided to shave the beard off, and in one fell swoop, went from a metalhead to a giant egg. Do you remember the Time for Timer vignettes in the 70s and 80s that ran during Saturday morning cartoons? Timer, the little yellow egg man with the top hat and walking stick, that was trying to get you to make orange juice freeze pops (see below), or eat some cheese for a healthy snack? That’s what Adam looked like! Am I wrong?

(Orange juice, or lemonade, or pomegranate juice...or whatever turns you on)

- After Jeff won the POV, his threats continued, and Kalia continued to feel the pressure, both from Jeff and Jordan, as well as from Rachel. Kalia’s response was taken straight from the Matt Hoffman (Big Brother 12) School Of Over-Complicating A Good Plan, where she all of a sudden decided that she wanted to ditch Daniele and work with the veterans. The fish at the end of Faith No More’s Epic video thinks that Kalia is doing too much flipping and flopping.

Also, Kalia told Daniele that she was with her “a Million JILLION percent”, so break open the bar, bitches, nobody is going to be sober after this episode!

- Lawon volunteered to go up on the block? When is this ever a good idea? But then he actually asked to be evicted? WHAT THE HELL? He said, “I am ok being evicted because I might come back with some ‘special powers.’" That may be the stupidest thing I’ve seen on this show since Marcellas decided not to use the Veto on himself in Big Brother 3.

- After Jeff used the POV on himself, Lawon got his wish and was put up in his place. Does he really want to be evicted? Does Rachel really have the votes to stay in the game? And how many times will Kalia flip and flop again between now and the eviction?

For those of you that like to follow on the live feeds, I would highly recommend you join the community at TV Clubhouse. It’s a great site with a great group of people, and if you want to read/discuss Big Brother, it is definitely where you want to be, with over 37,000 message board posts so far this season!

Please keep in mind that my recaps will always be based on the TV airings of Big Brother. I do not, and will not, be watching or reading any info from the live feeds. Please keep that in mind as I intend to keep the entire season on my site SPOILER-FREE. After each episode, my recaps should be online and live within 15 minutes of the show ending on the East Coast.

Big Brother fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. (Who will be #100?) You can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Big Brother Recap: “Humble Pie Tastes Good, Doesn’t It, Homegirl?”

With Buki Brendon out of the house and Kalia as the new HoH, it was bound to be another tear-inducing week for everyone’s favourite psychopath, Rachel. Who would Kalia put up for eviction? Why are there hotdogs in a blender? And why is everyone crying?

My Random Thoughts:

- The episode started with recap on Brendon’s demise and Rachel’s ensuing meltdown. We then flashed to Daniele in the Diary Room talking about the fact that Kalia won HoH has left her feeling…wait for it…100% safe (take a drink!)

- After the HoH competition, Jeff was mad at Porsche, Rachel the drama queen declared “I’m going home” and started crying uncontrollably as soon as she saw Brendon’s greyed out picture, and Kalia did a storage room dance. Rachel then went into the HoH room and continued her blubbering until someone came to console her.

First it was Porsche, who Rachel thanked for being her friend (wait…wasn’t she just pissed off at her?), and then Jordan followed to have another girl talk session, most of which I missed because I couldn’t get past the fact that Rachel’s black streaked eyes made her look like Poison Ivy. If you look more like a Batman villain than a Reality TV show contestant, you should probably STOP CRYING!

After the RCM (Rachel Consolation Meeting), which Jeff joined, Rachel puffed up her chest and declared “The pity party is over.” Did anyone believe her? I didn’t.

- When Kalia’s HoH room was unveiled, everyone went up together, and Kalia was overcome with emotion at seeing pictures of her family (and not in a Rachel sort of way.) Jeff was critical, saying “Kalia starts sobbing like we just walked into a morgue and somebody was in a casket. A little weird, kinda…” Let me get this straight, Jeff…you spend most of your time with Rachel, and you think that someone crying is weird?

- Shelly then reminded everyone that she left a daughter at home, and she’s missing her first day of school. So far, Shelley’s daughter has had a bigger role in this season than Porsche!

- Daniele and Kalia were in the HoH room, talking about how they were committed 100% (take a drink) to each other, when Rachel came up, and the ass-kissing began. After asking Daniele to leave, Rachel then tried to pre-save her own hide but telling Kalia “I, like, 100% really respect you.” Take another drink folks, this is the best drinking game ever. Good thing Rachel had that giant wine glass.

- After his one-week fashion punishment, Adam was only too happy to shed his Elf costume, so everyone’s favourite hairy, goateed, metalhead toy maker is back to just plain old Adam.

- Daniele said “I’m quite happy to have blood on my hands in this game. Quite frankly I’m ready to bathe in blood”, which made me think that she actually a lot like her dad. She then went on to talk to Kalia about not considering the upcoming “twist” (which is what I said in my last recap) when making her nominations.

- The Have/Have Not competition was another redux from last season, where contestants had to make disgusting shakes for each other and name ingredients. What the hell is with the repetition of competitions? Survivor did the same thing…is CBS cutting production costs across the board? I mean, they just used the Redempion Island concept for this new twist, didn’t they?

In the competition, Jeff beat Lawon in a chug-off to give his team the first point. Porsche beat Shelly to even the score for their team, despite Jeff trying to help Shelly, which seemed like cheating (didn’t it?) In this head-to-head battle, we learned that not only does Porsche not know where her shoulder is, she also doesn’t know what onions taste like. Apparently, Big Brother is like summer school for her.

In the tie-breaking bar battle, Dani beat Jordan in another chug off, which upset Jordan, who started crying. Jesus Christ, who isn’t crying in this house? At least Jordan and the rest of the Have Nots (Rachel, Jeff, and Shelly) have coconuts and catfish to drown their sorrows.

- Jeff and Jordan talked to Kalia about the upcoming nominations, and Kalia was very honest with them about her plan to evict Rachel, which meant nominating Jeff beside her so that he could compete for the veto. This idea didn’t go over too well with the final remaining intact Veteran Duo, as Jordan freaked out and got upset before storming out…which was very out of character for her.

Then Jeff got even more upset, telling Kalia that she would be the target if she nominated him, and then he started going on and on about the rest of the house…and all of the floaters…and I realized: OH MY GOD, JEFF HAS BECOME BRENDON!

- At the nomination ceremony, the claws came out as Dani didn’t want Rachel sitting so close to her. But to be fair, she’s been used to essentially sitting on Brendon’s lap for the nomination ceremonies, so she was just going with habit. Jordan then made a speech with two keys left to pull, and in the end, Rachel and Jeff were nominated for eviction.

After the ceremony, Rachel tried to bait Dani into a dramatic confrontation, but Dani just walked away to let her self-destruct on her own.

For those of you that like to follow on the live feeds, I would highly recommend you join the community at TV Clubhouse. It’s a great site with a great group of people, and if you want to read/discuss Big Brother, it is definitely where you want to be, with over 37,000 message board posts so far this season!

Please keep in mind that my recaps will always be based on the TV airings of Big Brother. I do not, and will not, be watching or reading any info from the live feeds. Please keep that in mind as I intend to keep the entire season on my site SPOILER-FREE. After each episode, my recaps should be online and live within 15 minutes of the show ending on the East Coast.

Big Brother fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Big Brother Recap: “A Tidal Wave Of Rachel’s Tears, And The Live Eviction”

Brendon earned his spot in the Reality TV Hall of Shame this week when he idiotically took Rachel off the block so she could stay in the game. With Jordan sitting on the block beside him, it was a 100% (drink up!) certainty that the Weiner-Texting, PhD Bragging, Rachel-Banging House Bully would be evicted tonight.

My Random Thoughts:

- After Brendon lied about using the Veto on himself, only to use it on Rachel instead, it was pretty obvious that Daniele wouldn’t be impressed with him lying to her, even though the end result was exactly what she wanted. So…way to go Brendon, not only did you keep your fiancée in a game that she has no chance of winning, and eliminate yourself from contention, you actually gave your enemy HoH what she wanted. And he and Rachel were so delusional to think they actually won something by doing this. You’re the man.

- Rachel whined about the idea of Brendon leaving the Big Brother house, crying that “we work so well together. We are like…the most dynamic duo.” I can think of a lot of Duos that are more dynamic than Brendon and Rachel: Batman and Robin (obvious choice), Bacon and Eggs, Peanut Butter and Jelly, Siegfried and Roy, damn, even Lawon and Kalia are more dynamic than you two.

- Brendon then told Rachel why he was attracted to her: “That beautiful brain that you have. That’s the reason I’m so attracted to you. Because you’re so damn smart.” I see…now he has resorted to flat out lying to her? Either that or he’s just as insane as she is.

- With that hair and that outfit, didn’t Julie Chen look like she just popped in from a USO Dance? And when she was standing in profile talking to the houseguests, did anyone else notice that her eyelashes appeared to be about two feet long?

- I made a point a couple of recaps ago talking about how Adam got off easy with the Elf Suit, and how it was essentially just a hat and shirt. But tonight I saw that he now has green shorts and silver elf shoes as well…a nice addition, I have to say. Did anyone else find it odd watching a grown man dressed as an Elf (with 4 ears! Wear the damn hat correctly, that is freaky!) smoking a cigarette in the backyard?

- Psycho Rachel barged in on Porsche and Dani in the HoH room, and proceeded to act like a sulky, whiny child. Then she went in the backyard and freaked out on Porsche who had the audacity to try and give Rachel a suggestion on how to not screw herself in the game. (The horror!) The supreme Drama Queen ran off to the hammock, yelling that “nobody cares in this game about anyone but themselves”, which, the last time I checked, was the whole point of the game…to get yourself to the end and win.

She then ramped up the drama even more by saying that Brendon made a mistake taking her off the block, and made a bigger mistake asking her to marry him, and that she would never get a job, and that no one would like her. She might as well have just yelled out “Validate me! Validate me!” I’ve been saying it for two seasons now, but is there any doubt that this freak is clinically insane?

- Evel Dick’s thoughts on Daniele: Seriously…are we still beating this dead horse? He’s gone…let it go.

- Everyone had an awkward laugh at Daniele’s comment to Julie that Rachel would probably try to kill her after the show, but didn’t we all think there was a tiny grain of possibility in that statement?

- The Farewell Speeches went something like this…Brendon: “ramble ramble ramble, Rachel is great, I’m not gonna cry, Rachel rules, ramble ramble.” Jordan: (stock answer) “Vote who you think will get you further in the game.” Translation: “I know I’m staying, let’s get on with this.”

- The vote was never in doubt, but Porsche still voted for Jordan, which was probably a smart move on her part just so that she doesn’t have to be the one who has to bear the brunt of Rachel’s insanity for the next week. You know that Rachel would have taken it out on her.

- So off Brendon went to Julie Chen’s Land of Awkward Questions (I can’t take credit for that one…that goes to EW’s Darren Franich), where we learned that he really loves Rachel (shocker!). Did you see the audience members behind him laughing at him as his voice cracked and he explained how Rachel would have done it for him last season…which is an absurd comment. No chance she ever would have done that…EVER.

- Julie asked Brendon if he would be able to make it for the rest of the summer without Rachel, and he just smirked and said “Yeah, I’ll make it.” You know what that means, folks…August is WEINER-TEXTING month!

- 1940s Chenbot then revealed a new twist in the game…that the next houseguest to be evicted will battle one of the previous 4 evictees in a competition to get back into the game. That’s right, Redemption Island comes to Big Brother, bitches. That sound you heard is me vomiting. I predict that Cassi or Dominic will win the America’s Vote portion, and if Brendon wins it, then you can be guaranteed that the voting is 100% (drink up!) fixed.

- The HoH competition became a pissing contest between Kalia and Rachel, which Kalia eventually won with an added side of Rachel dropping an F-Bomb after losing. Looks like another bad week is on the way for Rachel. Were we all cheering in unison when Kalia won?

- Don’t believe for a second that this twist will affect Kalia’s nominations. It will assuredly be Rachel and someone else, with Rachel as the target. The fact that Rachel could win her way back into the game if she gets evicted won’t factor in at all.

- Loved how the show ended with Rachel sulking. LOVED it. I’m such a prick.

Please keep in mind that my recaps will always be based on the TV airings of Big Brother. I do not, and will not, be watching or reading any info from the live feeds. Please keep that in mind as I intend to keep the entire season on my site SPOILER-FREE. After each episode, my recaps should be online and live within 15 minutes of the show ending on the East Coast.

Big Brother fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Big Brother Recap: "Brendon Tries to Pull One Over On Everyone, But Ends Up Just Fooling Himself"

Television's most dysfunctional couple is on the verge of being split up this week, as Rachel and Brendon have been nominated for eviction. Will the Power of Veto competition save one of them from the chopping block?

My Random Thoughts:

- After the nomination ceremony, Rachel started crying immediately in the Diary Room, threatening Danielle that she would draw the sword of Excaliber, all the while saying “Guess what?” approximately 57 times. Meanwhile, Buki Brendon tried to positive spin things talking about their future together…

Cue the waterworks.

Jesus Christ, are you kidding me? 3 minutes into the episode, I already have to watch these two cry and whine to each other? Is it just me…or is this as painful to everyone else as well? It’s unbearable.

- I loved how in the middle of this sugary, soft music, moment between these two idiots, Brendon pointed out Rachel’s ‘mediastinum’, and then said, “You know, I know that because I’m a PhD student, right?”, as if his fiancée was unaware of that fact, despite his constant reminders. The best part was what this genius said right after that, because the next time he opened his mouth, he said…“Duh!” I’m serious, go back and watch it again! He pats himself on the back for how smart he is, then acts like a 6–year-old.

- Dani and Rachel were talking in the Have Not room, and by talking, I mean Dani was talking and Rachel was sulking. Rachel said “It was stupid to think you could have friends in this game anyways”, which is a pretty ironic statement from the houseguest who constantly calls everyone else “bitches” and yells at every single person in the house. In the Diary Room during this segment, Rachel referred to Daniele as: a mean girl, a snake, and someone who sucks at this game…so clearly making friends is her top priority, right? And of course, she followed it up with another shallow idle threat, “I’m coming after her.”

- Jeff made it clear to Jordan that if one of them is in power next week, the plan is to backdoor Daniele, which I think is a pretty stupid move. Why not honour the one-week deal you made and target someone else? I don’t see the point of backstabbing someone who is not part of a strong alliance at this point of the game.

- The POV competition was a mish-mash of previous competitions combined with a time bidding element. I liked the way that it worked, with the lowest bid competing and the highest bid at risk. Dani had the best strategy of all, trying to find a time that was neither the highest nor the lowest. Porsche declared that she had to win the Veto to ensure her safety “100%” (take a drink), Kalia made us visualize Brendon and Rachel in the sack, Rachel got a good jaw workout and then sucked at a jigsaw puzzle (stomping her feet like an infant after losing), Jeff ran away from a spelling challenge and then got eliminated by about two drops of milk, and Brendon won the Veto without actually having to do anything until the final task.

- It made me sick watching Rachel celebrate Brendon’s win in the Veto competition, because she wasn’t happy that he won, she was happy that she would be safe since he promised to take her off the block (which is so idiotic I can’t even describe it). Essentially she was cheering because he just eliminated himself by winning the Veto…how wrong is that? What a selfish bitch.

- Brendon’s Diary Room interview after winning the Veto included him taunting Daniele, which pretty much amounted to him saying “HA! I’m going home!” He said that he was definitely going to use the Power of Veto on Rachel, but didn’t want to tell anyone, so that they think he’s using it on himself, and that would presumably force Daniele to do something at the last minute. First of all, you would have to be an idiot not to know that Brendon is using the Veto on Rachel, and second, Dani is too smart of a player not to have a plan in place for Scenario A or B depending on what Brendon does with the Veto.

For some reason, Johnny PhD Wang-Texter thinks that Dani would be so flustered when he says he’s using it on Rachel, she’ll just stand up and stammer, “Um…I don’t know…Maybe…Lawon?” Please!

- Does anyone out there miss Keith? Didn’t think so.

- Brendon tried to argue to Daniele for reasons to keep both of them in the house and put up a floater, but his logic was pretty much summed up as follows: if one of us goes, the other one is after you next week for vengeance, and if one of us gets to the end, we’re definitely going to win. Not really the best argument to get someone on your side.

- So Brendon saved Rachel (despite her fake pleas to the contrary and fake crying upon receiving the Veto) and Jordan went up in her place…a smart move on Daniele’s part because it’s a pretty long shot to think Jordan would get voted out ahead of Brendon, especially since I can’t think Brendon and Rachel aren’t going to cause massive drama between now and the live vote. Looks like Brendon will be booted on Thursday, and since he will be sequestered in the Jury House for the rest of the summer, he won’t be able to text genital pictures until after the Finale.

One quick note to say that my recap of Thursday night’s Live Eviction episode will not be posted right after the episode, as it usually is. I will not be able to watch the show until later in the evening, and I’m not sure when that will be, but my recap will definitely be posted by midnight, likely earlier.

Please keep in mind that my recaps will always be based on the TV airings of Big Brother. I do not, and will not, be watching or reading any info from the live feeds. Please keep that in mind as I intend to keep the entire season on my site SPOILER-FREE. After each episode, my recaps should be online and live within 15 minutes of the show ending on the East Coast.

Big Brother fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left (who will be #100?) You can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.