April 27, 2009

Monday’s posts are usually pretty generic on my blog: What I did on the weekend + random poker story + Amazing Race thoughts + a link to Josh Wolk recaps. Shake well and serve over ice.

This week was shaping up to be more of the same…all of the above…until I watched Celebrity Apprentice last night, and now I feel compelled to write on the amazing phenomenon that is Melissa Rivers.

First of all, I’ve found her to be exceptionally annoying all season long, and I’m shocked that she hasn’t been fired already for her boardroom antics, including teaming up with her mother to constantly attack other contestants, and SIDING WITH THE OTHER TEAM! Last week, I thought she should have been fired on the spot for that, but clearly The Donald had other things in mind. And this week, she decided to cut Trump off so SHE could finish her point.

I don’t know what it is about her that makes me want to punch her in the face. (And to be fair, there are only a select few people who fall in that category: Haley Joel Osment, Chad Kroeger, and Rosie Perez to name a few. Not even Geddy Lee.) Maybe it’s her incessant whining. Maybe it’s her horse-shaped jawline. Maybe it’s the ridiculous sense of entitlement she clearly has being Joan Rivers’ daughter. Maybe it’s because she looks like she's having a stroke every time she speaks.



Or maybe it’s because she’s one of those talentless celebrities who are famous just for being famous, like Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline, or anyone named Kardashian.

So last night, as I’m watching, I’m listening to her rant and complain about Brande Roderick and Annie Duke, and I’m thinking to myself that she’s acting like a high school girl complaining about the pretty girls, and the smart girls, and the popular girls. It’s so pathetic. Then, she goes on to make the same comparison…telling them that it’s like in high school, and that ‘high school wasn’t fun for her’. Yeah, I’m sure it was really rough having a celebrity mother who was immensely popular in the 80s. I’m sure poor little Melissa had to sit in the corner at lunchtime by herself with no one to talk to, and then maybe get beat up by the red-headed kids on the way home who smashed her glasses and bent her headgear.

Puh-leaze.

But the high school comparisons notwithstanding, let’s take a moment and acknowledge the fact that she is FORTY-THREE years old, and not a teenager. But regardless of the age, she’s still clearly tied to Mommy’s apron strings, huh? So she gets fired last night in what I think it was the only fair firing based on overall performance so far, and what ensued was what I can only describe as “the greatest tantrum in Reality Television history.”

The snarky and sarcastic ‘Thank-You!’ and storm out of the room was laughable, because trying to briskly escape the boardroom while one foot was in a cast was funny enough, but then she went batshit insane after leaving. Swearing at anyone in sight, the producers, the camera, the receptionist…I thought she was going to punch the elevator doorman, who must have been only too happy when she refused to get in. Then she ran--and I mean ‘ran’, hair blowing like a slow-motion scene from Chariots of Fire, the one-legged edition--up to tell Mommy and complain about what just happened, apparently forgetting that they were watching it on the TV! So Mommy defends her and she continues ranting, refusing interviews, and swearing like an Andrew Dice Clay routine (you like how I worked that one in?), calling the other players liars, whores, and other names which I won’t repeat here.

Spectacular.

Joan, you must be so proud. Your daughter had an infantile tantrum in front of millions of people, most of whom would have been mortified to see their child act in that manner, but you instead ‘packed up your stuff and left’, proclaiming that the Charity aspect that the show is based around ‘isn’t that important’. Of course not. Not when you can sit around comparing competent players to Hitler…why focus on working to raise money for charity?

Make no mistake, it’s good TV. But it’s a pretty weak statement on celebrity behaviour. Of course, if it’s Melissa Rivers, does it still count as ‘celebrity behaviour’?

Maybe not.