Survivor One World Recap: “It Doesn’t Look Like One World To Me, Bro”

Survivor One World is off and running with a new season featuring a battle of the sexes, two tribes living together on one beach, and some colourful characters, to say the least. Who’s stealing what? Why is medical being called in already? And who is the only castaway who can catch a chicken with their bare hands?

Welcome back to all of the returning readers, and for those of you new to my blog and my Survivor Recaps, a hearty welcome as well, and a couple of things you should know: a) the recaps should be up within 60 minutes (often less) of when the show ends on the East Coast, b) the pictures will all have hidden captions underneath, so make sure to mouse over them if you want to see them, and c) I love Comments, so let’s all get involved in the Comments section for this season.

As I mentioned in my “preview” earlier this week, tonight’s recap is going to be my first impressions of this season’s cast, along with a few Random Thoughts at the end. As always, after only one episode, it’s hard to really tell anything about this cast, so these impressions may be pretty funny to go back and re-read after the season.

I would like to point out that in my first post on Survivor South Pacific, I picked Cochran to win it all, called Mikayla a potential dark horse winner, said Brandon was “a good kid”, and pointed out that I had no opinion whatsoever on Sophie, who ended up winning… so what the hell do I know?

My First Impressions:

Alicia the Special Ed Teacher –As we saw in the advance previews, claims that if she finds out that any of the guys like her, “ they’re gonna get played.” Picked her chosen alliance of five before even reaching camp. Clearly a new record. Heavy on the attitude, but sometimes attitude gets you far in Survivor (not often, though).

Bill the Comedian –Didn’t get to learn much about him, except that he needs to tie his shoes before challenges.

Chelsea the Medical Sales Rep – Able to catch chickens with her bare hands, and may be a shrewd strategist. Says that the women could be “one huge ball of bad-assedness”, but also seems to realize that they are playing as individuals and not a team. Seems pretty sharp.

Christina the Negotiator – Able to calmly work a deal with the men to get fire when the others were unable to. The early Survivor One World Eye Roll Champion.

Colton the Gay Student –Flaunted his way through the opening introduction, talking about cute guys and coconuts, but then was shocked to find out that it was Men vs Women. Looks like Cochran 2.0.

Greg the Guy Who Wants To Be Called Tarzan –I was going to call him Greg the Plastic Surgeon, but if you’re going to insist that you be called Tarzan, then I have to go with that. Seems a bit over-dramatic, declaring that the walk to camp was “hundreds of miles away” and that each man “lost ten pounds of water weight.”

Let me ask you this, if you’re going in for plastic surgery, do you want a surgeon who exaggerates like that? How do you feel watching this show, if he just told you what he’s going to make you look like…and now you’re not so sure?

Jay the Model – Made fire in about 15 seconds. Thinks any deal with the women at this point is ludicrous. (I say he’s right, and give him major credit for either a) knowing how to start fire so quickly, or b) learning in advance of coming on the show.)

Jonas the Sushi Chef – I’ll use his words: “how bad ass could a sushi chef be?”

Kat the Blonde – Wanted to give the men a chicken, but only if they helped with the women’s shelter. Why not just say “We need you?” Doesn’t know what “ambiance” means.

Kim the Bridal Shop Owner –Wants to sweet talk the men to sit by the fire, like it’s not odd to just want to hang out with the people who just stole from you and refused a trade…and in your bikinis. Told us that all men are chivalrous in Texas.

Kourtney the Tattooed Bike Mechanic –A likable outcast, but a bad fate.

Leif the Midget –I’m sorry, I know the correct term is “little person” or “dwarf”, but until I learn what a phlebotomist is, I’m respectfully going with “Leif the Midget.” Seems like a hard worker who is both strong and likable.

Matt the Lawyer –This season’s misogynist. Demands chicken as an apology from the women. Said that he “knew Colton was gay,” which I’m quite sure even the bats in the forest knew. Likes to give nicknames to his teammates like Big Mike and Jaybird, like he’s a typical Frat Boy Meathead.

Michael the Banker – The Thief. What do you think the bank he works for thought of the footage of him stealing from the other tribe? And the fact that he was so proud of it? Audit, perhaps?

Monica the Ex-NFL Wife –Didn’t learn much yet about Mrs. Brad Culpepper, but I will point out that “Ex-NFL Wife” means that her husband is an Ex-NFL player, not that she is his “Ex-Wife.”

Nina The Retired Cop –Also didn’t learn much yet, except that she did a faceplant in the Immunity Challenge that made her face look like she went 12 rounds with Manny Pacquiao.

Sabrina the Teacher –I like her, she seems funny, and should give us good soundbites.

Troy the Swimsuit Photographer – How many of you heard him call himself Troyzan and thought “this guy is the new Coach?" Be aware that Troyzan has three…count ‘em…THREE Facebook Fan Pages.

My Random Thoughts:

- I have to give Jeff Probst some props for the “no hands” helicopter shot off the top of the show. I have to think (and sure as hell hope) that he was strapped in there somehow, but it was still an impressive image.

- These may be the silliest Tribe names I’ve ever heard on Survivor, but probably only because Salani reminds me of this, and Manano reminds me of this.

- I liked two of the elements from the first portion of the show: the stripping down of the truck (albeit only 60 seconds), and Jeff giving them two separate maps to the same beach.

- Once Chelsea caught both chickens, she backed out of the deal with the men to share them, and then the bargaining started: they wanted to trade a chicken for fire, then for an axe. No deal was reached, but Greg made it clear that “you have nine guys here that are looking for a chicken”, which seems like it should have been a euphemism for something, but I don’t think it was. Who knows? Maybe I’m just not up on my plastic surgeon slang.

- Since there was no deal for the women to get fire, Alicia then just tried to steal it right in front of the men. When that didn’t work, she offered for Monica to take her pants off for the men. Not Alicia, mind you…Monica. Why would you offer your own pants when you can offer someone else’s?

Monica decided to simply keep her pants on and just steal the fire when the men were sleeping. But if you steal fire and can’t keep it lit, isn’t that like robbing a bank and not being able to spend the money?

I have to say, I’m not big on all of this stealing being acceptable in Survivor, but if you allow theft at the onset (at the stripping of the truck), then this has to be allowed too. But where do you draw the line? Can you steal someone’s Immunity Idol? What about their clothes? It’s a dangerous precedent.

- The bargaining continued as Christina worked a deal for fire, agreeing with Jonas and Bill that the women would weave palm fronds for them in exchange for the fire. Initially, Jonas requested 40, but she got him down to 20, which Bill said made sense because “each person does two.” Wait a second, Bill…last time I checked, 9 times 2 is 18. Is there another woman out there we’re missing? Or was he counting Colton, who called himself “one of the girls?”

And if you’re the women, why wouldn’t you do a horrible job weaving the palm fronds so that they leak?

- I noticed a lot of bats in the HD nature shots. Could it be because this season ends right around the time that The Dark Knight Rises is released in theatres? Probably not…

- When Sabrina stumbled upon the Immunity Idol in giant empty trunk, I made a new vow to no longer refer to them as “Hidden” Immunity Idols. When someone finds one in what they describe as “literally the second place I looked,” it’s just unacceptable.

But I did like that it was a Manono idol, that must be given to someone on Manono before the next Tribal Council. Obviously, Sabrina’s BFF Country Club Colton was the obvious candidate, and he was thrilled to receive it.

- The Immunity challenge was simple: an obstacle course that would need to be completed by each tribe member individually. At the end, it would be the old standard raising of the Tribe Flag. No tiles. No freakin’ coconuts. Hallelujah.

Bill lost his shoe, Colton scurried down the net, and before we could see how it all played out, the challenge was stopped because Kourtney had sustained an injury, what was clearly a broken wrist.

The men now had a choice: to either take the win and send the women to Tribal Council, or finish out the challenge. I paused it and did a quick survey of my girlfriend, my niece, and I to see what we would have done. They both said they would continue the challenge, and I said it was a no-brainer: take the win.

First of all, if you’re competing for fun, or just for competition, then yes, I would do the sporting thing and continue. But within the parameters of the game of Survivor, winning is everything, so you do anything that keeps you from Tribal Council.

Second, looking at Kourtney’s injury, both teams had to suspect that Kourtney was being eliminated from the game after her X-Ray, so why on Earth would the men risk losing one of their own at this point? Lots of risk, no reward.

And I hated Mr. Blue Shirt’s guilt-ridden reminder to the men: “the single biggest mistake made in this game is doing decisions early on that nobody will forgive you for in the end. But it is your call.”

The women were pissed, but Troy said it best, claiming that he doubts they would have done differently had the roles been reversed. It’s just like on The Amazing Race when someone gets upset after being U-Turned…it’s part of the game, deal with it.

- I can’t decide what was the better line in this episode: Kat (making fire), “I can’t do it that fast by myself” or Colton (talking about Matt), “we’re gonna cut his throat faster that Taylor Swift will write a song about an ex-boyfriend.” I’m probably going to have to go with Colton on this one.

- At Tribal Council: Alicia wants to target Christina, interrupting her, but then when Christina talks, holding a hand up in her face and saying “talking!” Heavy attitude on this one, who then told her “girl, if we were in Chicago, I’m about to punch you in your face.”

Here’s what I don’t get though, why was Christina’s fire-for-weaving deal “shady”, but stealing fire wasn’t?

- To the surprise of nobody, Kourtney’s wrist was indeeed broken, and she was out of the game, saving the women from a Tribal Council vote. An unfortunate end to someone I would have liked to see more of this season.

Next Week: The Women Fall Apart and Colton becomes Cochran.

After watching this first episode, I’m finding it hard to pick someone to win, but I’m going to stick with my tradition of a prediction after the first episode. I’m torn between two players (one man and one woman), so I’m going to say that either Chelsea or Jay will win…and if pressured to only pick one, I’ll go with Chelsea (but only on a 51%-49% split). Make your predictions in the Comments section.

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