Survivor South Pacific Recap: “Ain’t No Chick In This World Gettin’ In The Way Of Me, My Family, And A Million Dollars”

This week on Survivor South Pacific, someone finds a clue, someone else finds an Idol, a secret is revealed, and a lie causes problems. Let’s get right to it.

My Random Thoughts:

- Previously on…Survivor, Christine said Coach was a temporary player, and then Coach allied with Edna and 4 men. Thanks for ruining that this episode would come down to Christine vs. Coach at Tribal Council. (All drama ruined one minute into the episode) Mikayla’s coconut shooting skills single-handedly sent Semhar’s breasts to Redemption Island, which once again ISN’T AN ISLAND!

- Night-vision recap: Semhar thinks that her tribe voting her out was cold-hearted, and that Redemption (Non) Island will be a terrible experience for her because she has abandonment issues. So, she obviously turned to poetry…which apparently made her itchy, and scared the crabs away. Sounds like she had a nasty breakup. For the record, if Semhar’s ex-boyfriend who inspired that poem is reading this, I’m sure he got extra enjoyment from me using the phrase “scared the crabs away.”

- Back at Savaii camp, Cochran was appreciative to the rest of his tribe for keeping him, and said that he would have to “turn on the cool, mellow Cochran.” Does that guy really exist?

- Ozzy and Keith talked about having strong Tribe members and they both identified Jim, because “he’s really good at puzzles.” Wait a minute…has Jim even attempted any sort of puzzle in the first three days? The Immunity Challenge was an obstacle course with coconuts, wasn’t it? What the hell is with people claiming (or being assessed) that they are great at puzzles on this show now? Redemption Island’s David and South Pacific’s Jim will likely go on to form a WWE Tag Team: The Puzzle Masters.

- What the hell was Edna wearing as a visor? Was that Tree Mail? An Immunity Clue? And was she on her way to some sort of smoky South Pacific poker game?

- Coach then solidified his arrangement with Edna by talking about honor and loyalty being more important than strength, and Edna pledged her allegiance. How can you make a deal with someone who is offering it while standing in his underwear? Especially when CBS has been blurring out his little dragon.

- At Savaii, Cochan became the new worker/cook/butler because he had to show everyone that he was willing to work around camp. He even went so far as to (gasp!) cut coconuts WITHOUT BEING ASKED! He talked about how his mother may be disappointed, but then said “New Cochran doesn’t follow mommy’s advice all the time.”

- Ozzy told the rest of his tribemates “I’m just gonna go down there and do a float-down and maybe get lucky”, which made no sense and sounded a lot dirtier than it really was, before channeling his inner spider monkey and climbing trees looking for the Immunity Idol. Of course he found it, and despite CBS’s claim that they would be hiding the Idols better this season, apparently jamming a rock in the middle of a tree seemed like a good idea. Shameful.

- Once Brandon found out that Coach had put something over him to keep him warm at night, L’il Hantz decided to come clean and tell the Dragon Slayer about his lineage, after telling all of us that he would keep it a secret from everyone.

So…from what I can tell, the Hantz’s just can’t keep their mouths shut. Russell obsessively told everyone within earshot that he had 17 Immunity Idols, and now Brandon, after repeated claims that he wouldn’t, decides to share his family secret.

- On the beach, Elyse said that she wanted to “channel my inner Native American self”, which served no purpose other than to remind me of a comment from last week’s recap, where someone told me that Elyse wasn’t Native American. Funny.

- Jim claimed that he was a “World Poker Tour Champion”, to which I can only say one thing: BULLSHIT. I looked it up, and he won a preliminary poker event in 2006, and made the final table of a nothing poker league this year. Not a World Poker Tour champion. Keep that in mind.

- Jim the Pot-Dispensing Poker Liar then “formed” an alliance of Keith, Ozzy, Elyse, and Whitney. Or, as he put it “3 guys and the two girls we like.” He claimed to be the architect of the plan, even though he isn’t. Bad read, poker dude.

- Mikayla was preparing to go fishing and taking too many clothes off, which tempted Brandon once again, who was edited to look like a serial rapist staring at her pelvis. I loved how this whole segment was accompanied by the appropriate “creepy guy music.” Mini-Hantz vowed to get Mikayla voted out because “ain’t no chick in this world gettin’ in the way of me, my family, and a million dollars.”

- Christine continued to ostracize herself from the rest of the Upolu tribe by obsessively searching for the Idol again. She didn’t find the Idol, but she did find the clue in a tree…like that was going to matter.

- At the Immunity challenge, Upolu eats fruit to get ready (and taunt Savaii), this week’s dirty Immunity Challenge phrase is Ozzy yelling “pull it out, Cochran” (with an honourable mention to 7 women being “on the pole” at the beginning), and Savaii smoked Upolu despite a huge Upolu lead. I wish I would have heard someone on Savaii say “You take the fruit, donkeys…we’ll take Immunity and the blankets.”

- Upolu was trying to figure out how to vote, and while Brandon was campaigning for Her Royal Sexiness to get the boot, the rest of the Tribe wasn’t on board. Christine was extra-paranoid and started taking it out on Edna, who honestly told her she had no idea what was going on.

- Mr Honour and Integrity Brandon Hantz then decided that lying to his alliance was the best plan of attack, and he made up a story to Coach in an attempt to sway the rest of the tribe to vote out his Temptress. Only took 6 days for him to start lying.

- At Tribal Council, Jeff is happy Coach is back, Christine went to the Eliza Orlins School of Eye-Rolling, and Brandon’s lie was exposed when the liar himself owned up to it. Talk about not being able to handle the pressure. What was that...like, 90 minutes?

- In the end, Christine was voted out, as anyone with half a brain could have predicted in the first 30 seconds of the “Previously on Survivor” segment, and with her own personal version of The People’s Eyebrow, she exited for the comfy confines of Redemption (Non) Island, where she and Semhar can whine and complain to each other before competing in a Duel next week.

Next week: Savaii becomes suspicious of Ozzy and Brandon deals with his lie.

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