May 2, 2010: Amazing Race Recap

Last week's predictable non-elimination leg was anti-climactic except for some shuffling of team order, and the Handlebar Brothers adding a Speed Bump to the next leg. What would this week bring for our 4 remaining teams? Let's find out...now with 100% less midgets and noodles...

At the beginning of the leg, Cord told a story about how he took a 'hoof to the head' a few years back, and how Jet stayed by his side the entire time. Why are we just hearing this story now in the second last episode? I mean, we've heard constantly how the main reason Dan did this race was for his brother Jordan to live a dream, so how do we not hear the 'hoof to the head' story? By the way, Dan...we get it, ok? You're the brother of the year. Stop patting yourself on the back.

Louie and Michael started the leg off in last place, over 2 hours behind the other teams. Add to that they also had a Speed Bump to contend with and the odds were stacked against the undercover detectives. I have to say, with all the times this season that these two yahoos have compared something on the Race to something they do in their job, I was flat-out offended that they didn't compare the Speed Bump as well. After all, a speed bump is probably the most interesting thing IN Rhode Island.

Brent and Caite figured out first where the Garden Bridge was located, and then in their on-camera testimonial on the bus afterwards, Caite launched into a tirade on how she is good with maps, even in China, and that everyone can "go screw yourself." That seemed harsh to begin with, but then she flashed some sort of faux gang sign at the end of it, and it was just so ridiculous. Don't try to be gaining street cred on your ability to read a map...in China...when you're a blonde beauty queen on the streets of Shanghai. Nobdoy cares, and you just look like an idiot.

Dan and Jordan spent two hours trying to find the Garden Bridge, and then figured out that their best bet was to go back and join forces with Louie and Michael since they could stay with them until the Handlebar Brothers hit their Speed Bump, and then they could go off on their own. Seemed like a pretty decent strategy until I saw that Michael's method of trying to find the Garden Bridge involved him climbing to the highest spot nearby and using his binoculars to look for it.
Let me get this straight, you're in Shanghai, the largest city in China...with a population over 17 million people...and you think looking around with your binoculars is the best plan of attack here? Can you picture Michael looking for a suspect back home? Does he just go to the top of the hill and scour the area until he finds him? Not the brightest idea. But the best part was him patting himself on the back for the idea...and none of the other three saying "This is stupid."

Speaking of stupid, Brent and Caite found themselves at the Roadblock before anyone else, and Caite was chosen for the task of counting the gold statues inside a temple. Did anyone think she was going to get this on the first try? Especially after Brent declared to us that "she's got it upstairs, and she's not as dumb as everyone thinks?"
This challenge only involved counting. That's it. If you can't count, then you are as dumb as everyone thinks.

But how awesome was it when Caite was wrong, that on each attempt, she kept trying to convince the poor guy that was fielding the answers, that she was right? "Are you sure?" "522?" "You're sure that's not right?" And then after she went back in to count yet again, Brent told us "I don't know what she's doing wrong." Hey Brent, I know what she's doing wrong....counting!

Dan and Jordan found a language barrier with their cab driver, and instead of employing the Charla and Mirna-tested strategy of speaking English in some non-descript accent, they went typical American speaking loudly and slowly and repeating themselves.
Then Dan freaked out in the cab after their cab driver lost the cab they were following that contained Louie and Michael. As Dan ranted in the back seat, tried to get out of the cab (what would that have accomplished? Was he going to run down the other cab?), and threatened to get "violent", let's keep in mind that the horrendous sin that the cab driver committed was NOT running a red light. What a bastard!

And if Dan were to have gotten "violent", what exactly would that have entailed? Why am I picturing a slap-fight and an ugly attempt to scratch someone's eyes out? And yes...I realize that Dan is the straight brother.

How awesome was the scene with Brent and Caite where Brent had to go to the bathroom and Caite insisted that they had to stay? Aside from his tantrum-like behaviour, it was funny watching him refuse to look for the stamps while he had to go so badly. He said he couldn't focus, but let's remember what this challenge was, ok? All you had to do was pick up stamps and look for your own name.

But let's examine what went wrong here, shall we. First of all, if you have to go that badly, and you know there is a place right across the road, then you probably should have gone before you started the challenge. Second of all, if you're Caite, and your teammate has to go, suck it up and take the 3 minutes it will take for him to go. Third of all, if you haven't been able to follow those first 2 steps, and find yourself in that situation, if you're going to bitch and moan to Caite, then do it while you're looking for the stamps, not just walking around the store ranting. This was the same Brent we saw last week throwing his arms up and looking for sympathy in the grid challenge at the football stadium instead of chasing down his missing pieces. How is this team in the final three...seriously?

(And before you say that Brent should have gone on his own, teams have to stay together, so he couldn't have left without Caite. She can't work on the challenge without him there.)

That Speed Bump was the stupidest thing I have ever seen on the show. All they had to do was throw a coins into a giant hole? Why not just say "Count to fifty, then proceed." That was idiotic, especially since the challenge was right there, and they didn't have to travel to it, like the last Speed Bump that saw Jet and Cord have to travel to another location and then make a tea out of selected ingredients based on smell.

I could think of a lot of terms to describe Louie, but "mathematical genius" sure as hell isn't one of them. Is that really what Michael called him prior to the statue-counting Detour?

Then we heard Michael instruct his motorcycle driver to "drive it like you stole it", which was the 3rd time we've heard that from them this season. Again, I'll point out how proud his superiors must be back at the police station.
And at the stamp challenge, Michael said that it was just like a search warrant. Um...how exactly? This is the same guy who once declared "if I can find crack in a crackhead's rear end, I can find grapes in a grape yard." THAT would have been a better analogy for this.

Just when I thought we had tapped out our Guinness Book of World Records freak-shows (R.I.P Ping Ping) for this season, Phil is waiting on the mat with the world's tallest man. Wait a minute, the world's tallest man, and the world's smallest man...in the same season...in the same city? What are the odds? Oh well, at least they didn't have teams stripping down unnecessarily all season this time.

Also, I decided this week to do a comparitive analysis of Michael and Louie's use of 'baby' with each other, to Dan and Jordan's use of 'bro' with each other. The winner...drum roll please...12 'bros' and 9 'babys'. Dan and Jordan win.

Brent and Caite squeaked out a win to pick up a trip to Coastal Spain. How many of you pictured Caite looking at a map, asking "Where is Costa Spain?" I know I did.

Louie and Michael were eliminated, and as much as I gave them a hard time all season, they were pretty good-natured, and ended up being pretty hard not to like. I was sorry to see them go, and was hoping Brent and Caite would be eliminated instead.

Next week: The Finale is "Huger than Huge" as the teams close out the Race in San Francisco. I'm picking the cowboys.