Survivor Recap: "Hey Dumbass, Aren't You In My Alliance? Don't You Work For Me?"

Last week’s episode ended with a Survivor First: Russell Hantz getting his torch snuffed. It was such a momentous occasion that I felt it was only fitting to revisit this historic moment by starting this week’s recap with a photo commemorating the event. If you haven’t done so already, take a moment to look up there, breathe it in, and appreciate what nobody in Samoa or Heroes vs. Villains was able to do…vote Russell out of the game.

Before I get to this week’s episode, I want to mention something. For a number of years now, I’ve been having fun at the expense of Jeff Probst’s constant wardrobe choice of blue shirts for Survivor (three different shades of blue tonight, by the way). It’s all in good fun, but with Mr. Probst recently entering the world of Twitter, I thought I’d take a direct approach. Last night, after I saw a couple of updates from him, I Tweeted to him “I have to know…how many blue shirts are in your Survivor wardrobe closet?”
I don’t suppose I really expected a response, but within minutes, he Tweeted back that it was between 10-15 shirts for each season. Now there’s a man who goes with the flow, and I give him credit for embracing his blue-shirted-ness, and all that comes with it. For those of you on Twitter, I highly recommend following him (@jeffprobst), and watching his Comments as the show airs.

But on to this week’s episode… Would Russell be able to stay in the game at Redemption Island? Who will find the Hidden Immunity Idol at Ometepe? And just who exactly is working for who?

My Random Thoughts:

- Previously on…Survivor: Jeff Probst would like to remind everyone that at Ometepe, Rob is the leader, Natalie loves Rob, Phillip is still crazy, and Kristina wants Rob out. At Zapatera, Russell got voted out…what else matters?

- Night vision recap: no, it’s not a new Christopher Nolan movie, but look at all the Bats! Apparently Redemption Island is infested with them. Doubtful, but it’s just another animal we can see in glorious HD shots this season. Matt made a great comment, saying he was “Blindsided by Rob, and Bunking With Russell”, which I believe is also the title of an X-Rated movie.

- Why on earth was Phillip sweeping around camp while people were trying to sleep? And no…I’m not going to go on again about how strategically ridiculous it is to do anything that wakes your tribemates up in this game. What I’m wondering is “why was he sweeping?”Isn't sweeping a way of cleaning up dirt on the ground? What's the point...when the dirt IS the ground?

This conversation then led to Ometepe talking about how annoying Phillip was, as we watched more footage of him chucking spears once again at miniature crabs. Rob summed it up best when he talked about Phillip's wardrobe choices: "It's not only disturbing...it's disgusting." Hands up if you disagree. Didn't think so.

- Ok, how many bathing suits does Kristina have? So far we've seen red, an orange and white striped one, and now a pink one. Seriously, how many does she have? I'm starting to think that the producers provided the teams with new suits because there is a LOT of orange and purple, and it always seems to be on the corresponding tribe.
- With Russell off on Redemption Island, you would assume that Stephane & Krista may feel the need to revisit their strategy within their tribe, but that wasn't the case. Obviously still swirling Russell's kool-aid around in their mouths, they decided that their best way to stay alive in the game would be to find the Hidden Immunity Idol, so they promptly...went tanning on the beach together? Really? This is your plan?

- Ralph told us that he didn't want to tell anyone on his tribe that he had the Idol, and I screamed at my TV, "FINALLY!", since I've been saying for years to never tell anyone you have it because only bad things can happen. But no sooner than I hear him say he's not telling anyone, then he strolls right on over and spills the beans. What the hell?

- The Redemption Island Duel between Matt and Russell is what everyone was waiting for this episode....the ultimate Survivor battle of Good vs. Evil. Hell, based on what Matt was saying, it was God vs Evil.
I loved the domino challenge, and especially loved that the final moment of the challenge was...say it with me, folks...breaking a tile! You know damn well that ball could have rolled down and raised a flag, but this is Tile-Break-A-Palooza, and we were destined to see another one smashed. After a couple of tense trials, we got to see Matt's dominoes all fall over, releasing the ball, and ending Russell's season for good. Be honest...who else fist pumped in their living rooms?
Cue the soft music and tears from Russell. Johnny Blue Shirt pensively asked questions as to why Russell was so devastated, and everyone seemed genuinely moved. I almost expected a rainbow to appear off in the distance with a unicorn flying over it.

But then Russell became Russell again, and went out in a blaze of glory, swinging wildly at anything he could find. "It's hard to be a professional quarterback, and have Pee-Wee Leaguers on your team. Cuz I've gotta run the ball, I've gotta catch the ball, I've gotta throw the ball. I gotta do everything."

First of all, somebody needs to tell Russell that if he's doing all of that, he should throw the ball BEFORE he catches it...not after. That's why he's all screwed up. He's catching the ball and then just chucking it away. Ask Grant or Steve...not a good football strategy.

Second, it was the same argument he used when Natalie won in Samoa. That taste is still the same as it was 3 seasons ago: sour grapes. Russell, your fifteen minutes has finally expired.

When I read today on CBS.com that “the second duel reduces one castaway to tears when he is eliminated from the game for good“, it was pretty apparent to me that Russell was going to lose tonight. With all the media attention surrounding Russell’s supposed leaking of spoilers over the past few seasons, I expect this is the first part of his comeuppance from CBS, who are rumoured to be suing him. There’s no way they could start legal proceedings against him after they made him the focal point of every promotional tool for this season, but now that he’s gone, wouldn’t you love to see that lawsuit get announced tomorrow morning? You may think I’m joking, but I wouldn’t be surprised.

- Rob faked constipation on his proposed beach day in an effort to look for the Idol. Come on, who else but Rob could used his bowels to further himself in the game? Did you see him BUST IT back to camp, then start climbing every tree searching for the Idol? He was like some bizarre hybrid of Usain Bolt and an urban runner. But it worked. Man he's good.
- Rob on Phillip: “Hey dumbass, aren’t you in my alliance? Don’t you work for me?” What else can I say...that can stand on it's own.

- Before I talk about the Immunity challenge and Tribal Council, I want to take a tangent for a moment. I’ve noticed some similarities between this season’s cast and some famous faces. I’ve mentioned some of these before, but I thought these photos would get the point across better. What do you think?






















































- OK, back to the Immunity/Reward challenge, sponsored by Craftsman. More Tiles to Break! YES!!!!! And I'll just say it, any challenge where one of the instructions is “You must saw through a wall” falls under the category of AWESOME. Thoughts from this challenge: Grant is a physical monster, and reminds me of Ozzy (He will dominate late in the game); the teams were actually running with saws in their hands. I know they weren't scissors, but come on...safety last?; and don't even try to tell me Probst's shirt was black...it was dark blue.

- An uneventful reward celebration back at Zapatera, where we learned that Mike hasn’t thought about sex in 2 weeks, and that Ralph wants to lick mustard off Steve’s nose. Ummm...ok?

- Howler monkeys, jaguars, snakes, spiders, bats, red eyed tree frogs, buzzards...was this Survivor or Wild Kingdom? Eventually it'll just be wildlife shots and audio clips. What the hell was with the unannounced GIANT HAIRY SPIDER that made me scream at my TV like an eight-year-old girl? Did we really need to see that twice? Dammit man, bring back the lizard running on water.

- Tribal Council was uneventful. Phillip rambled about "the Sheppard stamp", his mom dying, being in the army, his honourable discharge (I bet THAT'S a story and a half!), his medal in "field sanitation" (did I hear that right?), and then adjusted his sleeves so we could take in both the Lion and the Gorilla. Kristina, meanwhile just said "I’m smart and I can be trusted."

And Kristina got voted out. Maybe a better argument would have been "I'm NOT a ticking time bomb in saggy pink briefs." Nice touch with the thunder as the votes were being read. So, it's off to Redemption Island for Kristina, where a duel with Matt awaits, along with presumably another new bathing suit.

Next Week: Ometepe gets a bad case of Phillip's ass in the face, and Russell's minions are up to no good.

Survivor Fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Thanks for reading.

Related Posts:
Survivor Redemption Island Recap by Dalton Ross
Jeff Probst’s Blog
Spoiler TV Recap

Amazing Race Recap: "Are We About To Get Super Dirty?"

In last week’s Amazing Race recap, I commented on the ridiculous kangaroo outfits the teams had to wear, and said “I'm sure that Kisha & Jen, Luke & Margie, and Jaime & Cara all had no problem with them, because at least they weren't running around St. Petersburg in their underwear in the winter like last time.”

Remember when TAR went through that phase, where seemingly every other challenge had teams stripping down to their skivvies for Detours and Roadblocks? From winter jogging, to playing giant golf in the wind, to the incredibly awkward “SaunaBuss” (remember THAT one?), to the Estonian mud volleyball…it seemed like Bertram van Munster just wanted the teams stripping down all season long?









On a side note, that mud volleyball challenge in Estonia will forever remain one of my favourites of all time. Remember how Sam and Dan (the gay brothers) had their crotches blurred out during the challenge, and I speculated in my recap why that was? Well, that led to my absolute favourite Google search ever that led a reader to one of my recaps. Somebody actually Googled…and I’m not making this up…”Amazing Race Mud Volleyball Boners.”

But my point was this, after seeing the promo photos and clips for this week’s episode, which featured teams frolicking in the mud in what appeared to be giant diapers, I feared we were traveling back down the Road to Race Disrobing. Is that actually the case? Which team needs a Japanese driving lesson? And where the hell is my fanny pack?

My Random Thoughts:

- Only 31 minutes separated all 10 teams, and we saw them all racing off to Japan at the same time. But upon arriving at the airport, we saw that they had 2 different options: a direct flight that landed at 6:15, or a connecting flight that landed at 6:00. This led to a new kind of airport drama...take the connecting flight and risk connection problems for the reward of a 15 minute lead, or take the sure thing. As much as it seemed like a gamble, as long as there were other teams on the connecting flight with you (and there were 5 of them), it wasn't that bad since you were all in the same boat. Of course there was a delay, but in the grand scheme of things, that 90 minutes didn't seem to matter much.

- So, off to Japan they went, and after being reminded of one of my favourite TAR moments (EAT THE WASAAAAABIIII!), the teams headed off to a rotating garage to pick up their vehicles. The garage looked like something straight out of a Star Wars movie, and after lame vending machine jokes from Mallory and Jet, Zev and Justin saved the comedy gold with a Press Your Luck "No Whammies!" comment.
- Mallory seems to be even more manic than last time. She's apparently prone to mini-seizures, spasms, and random noises for no reason. I was at a hockey game the other night, and there was a 10-year-old kid in our section who was pounding back a giant bag of cotton candy before the game even started, drinking pop and iced tea throughout the game, and powering down a box of mini-donuts in the third period. At every whistle, once the arena music started, he would jump out into the aisle and start dancing frantically, including some incredibly awkward pelvic thrusts at times. That's how I view Mallory each week.

- After getting their cars, the teams were off to a compound where it was some sort of Japanese jousting / horse riding / archery / samurai theme. Essentially, it was Kill Bill meets A Knights Tale meets Robin Hood, set in a Medieval Times Dinner Theatre. While most of the teams were able to balance the Form and Precision needed to complete the Roadblock, Ron had a lot of trouble, and while he and Christina arrived in 1st place, they left in 5th place.

- Jaime and Cara ran into some car troubles, in the form of driving into another car. While they were dealing with the situation, Jaime said “The language barrier here makes it very difficult to communicate,” which was a decidedly different approach than her last exposure to non-English speaking people she would encounter on the Race. I suppose it's just human nature when the other person is on the phone with the police after you've driven into their car! Maybe this isn't the best time to yell "Learn English!"

- Did you see the flag-waving kids at the clue box for the Detour? At first, they were enthusiastically waving their mini Japanese flags over their heads as the teams arrived, but as the last few teams arrived, their interest was clearly waning, and the flags were apathetically being waved at their knees...and by the time Jaime and Cara arrived, they were hardly moving at all, obviously just hoping they could head home soon.

- For the Detour, the Frog of Luck portion had teams undressing in the cold and searching through the mud for a frog that was under the surface somewhere, all while being pelted by mud from other partygoers. (Was it a party? Seemed like a party to me?). The most confusing part of the whole challenge was someone--who appeared to be Taboo from The Black Eyed Peas--running around and randomly doing belly flops in the mud for no reason. Mallory looked like a muddy Gypsy/hippie, and Cord slid headlong into the mud, since he thought he was looking for a live frog, and his frog-wrangling experience had taught him that's the way to flush the little buggers out of their hiding spots. - For the Prayer of Purity element, teams had to do a Japanese ritual that culminated in standing under an ice-cold waterfall running down from Mt. Fuji (now looking even more amazing in HD!) Flight Time and Big Easy performed an incantation at the incense portion of the ritual, and apparently, they just said "Ching Chang, Sing Sang" over and over, which was good enough. Wouldn't you think "Globetrotters" would be more culturally sensitive?

Even though it was ice-cold water and cold outside, this would have been the obvious choice for me. I'm never a fan of the needle in the haystack challenges.
- Zev and Justin were the 10th team to receive their car, but once again, they were the 1st to arrive at the Pit Stop, which apparently was named for Commodore Chandler Bing. (I hope some of you get that joke.)

- Ron seemed more interested in using big words like “lackadaisically”, “ineptitude“, and "consternation" than working on the Race. Somebody ought to tell the old codger that he's not making money per syllable on the Race, and maybe he should focus on getting along with his daughter and getting ahead for a shot at the million dollars.

- Is Kent now just fondling all of the clue givers?? Between the Australian surfer ass-slap and the Japanese muddy hug, I'm sensing a pattern.

- Fanny Pack-gate was a topic of discussion at the Pit Stop Mat after the Globetrotters inadvertently took Ron and Christina's Travel Documents and just left them with their clothes instead of returning them back to the Detour site. It was an honest mistake, and I would have had no problem whatsoever if they were assessed a penalty for it. But I thought it was a horrible decision for Phil to assess the penalty after Ron and Christina whined on the mat about it. The show has always handed out penalties based on the fact that they see everything that happens with the accompanying cameras. If it wasn't a penalty when the Globetrotters landed on the mat, NO WAY it should have been a penalty after the fact based on Ron and Christina telling Phil about it.

- Mel & Mike were unable to deal with the cold, and Jaime and Cara--already miles behind everyone else from their fender-bender--passed them on the Detour as they shivered in an ambulance. It was a tough way to go out, but as I mentioned last week, Mel just isn't able to physically cope with the demands of the Race. Then, a tender moment followed, as Mike talked about his dad, and we even got a close-up shot (in HD!) of Phil welling up. But let me ask you this, isn't the tender closing sentiment of how much Mike cares about his dad, and how Mel's health was more important than the Race, somewhat diluted when we see Mike wearing a Vegan Mafia T-shirt?

Next Week: Ron freaks out and The Goths veer off course.

Amazing Race fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook or Twitter, where I post all of my recaps (and other Random Thoughts) as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Related Posts:
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Spoiler TV Recap

Survivor Recap: "The First Duel, And Russell Is-A-Sweatin' "

I was re-watching a couple of scenes from last week’s episode a few days ago, and I noticed something that really bothered me. In the repetition of the opening scene on the beach when Jeff was giving the instructions to the new contestants, when he delivered his dramatic line ‘…you will NOT…(dramatic pause)…go home,” it was followed by Bible-Thumper Matt grasping his head and exclaiming “Whaaaaaaat?”

Now, this is my pet peeve. Matt obviously heard what he said, but I find that Reality TV contestants always have to sell their utter disbelief at what they’re hearing. It’s driving me nuts. It drives me nuts in real life too. When it happens to me, and someone says “What?!”, I now tend to respond with “Well, I’m pretty sure you heard me, but I can repeat myself if you like."

How awesome would it have been if Probst had dropped that on Blondie?

But I digress, on to this week’s episode…a nice mid-week break from the constant television barrage of “Who’s Crazier? Moammar Qaddafi or Charlie Sheen?”

My Random Thoughts:

- Night vision recap: Fran-squeeze-toy is woken up by Matt, and the two of them proceed to say the word “blindside” approximately 73 times in 90 seconds. Rob tells Phillip, “You’re fifth” in the alliance, and Phillip happily accepts it like a seal gulping a dead fish at Sea World. Only Boston Rob can be that smooth, to tell you “Thanks, but you’re not very important to us”, and have the other person be thrilled.

- Are you guys getting used to that yellow snake yet?

- Initially, I really liked that two Tribe Members got to go to Redemption Island as observers, but then I was thinking how interesting it would be to have the rest of the Survivors have no idea who is coming back. I'm wondering if each duel will have the observers, or just the first one. I also loved that they recycled an old challenge for the duel, and then I saw that Jeff Probst tweeted during the episode that Redemption Island duels will ALL be old challenges “because we know they work and we know they are fair."

Fran-squeamish jumped out to an early lead in her duel with Matt, but the Altar Boy made a big comeback to win. Sort of anti-climactic, because we all expected him to win. I liked how the eliminated contestant has to leave, as Jeff tells them, "Toss your buff in the fire on the way out." Sort of the Survivor version of "Don’t let the door hit you in the ass."
- Steve and Dave came back to camp and decided to lie to Russell and his "concubines" about who went home during the duel, but to tell everyone else the truth. Not a bad strategy, because even if/when the truth comes out, the battle lines are already drawn on this tribe, so what does it really matter?

The real thing that stood out in this scene, is just how bad Steve is with names. He kept referring to Matt and Fran-squeaky as “the blond guy” and “the black girl”. This guy used to be an NFL quarterback…do you know the playbooks these guys have to learn?? Now, I’m thinking he was just standing there on the field thinking, “I have to throw the ball to the fast wiry white guy before the gigantic black man flattens me like a pancake."

– I'm not sure how I felt about Stephanie and Russell's plan to make a fake Immunity Idol. What would have been a FANTASTIC idea (which I read somewhere last week), would be for Ralph to have made a fake idol, and place it where he found his, so that when Russell (or whoever) found it from the clues, they would logically think it was the real thing.
- Rob ran some damage control with Andrea, explaining to her why Matt got voted out and how she is still part of the alliance. She may have bought it, but she's justifiably wary of Rob now. But if Andrea is crying after only 6 days over her "good friend that they took away", then maybe Survivor isn't the game for her.

- Is it just me, or does Russell always sound like he has a cold this season? And why on earth would you shave your armpits before heading off to Survivor? Were those sores really described as 'pus-filled'? Disgusting!

- Steve suggested to the rest of his team that throwing the challenge would be a good idea. Now, I'm never a fan of throwing challenges on Survivor, but when it means getting out one of the most dangerous and villainous players in the history of the game, I think I understand it, and could logically get behind it. During the discussion, some woman started talking about keeping the team strong, and I was like "who the hell are you?"
Oh...YOU'RE Julie? OK...you were given the Purple Kelly treatment for the first two episodes, so it's nice to hear something from her finally. Now...who is Sarita? The one who looks like a Kristen Wiig character from SNL?

- The Immunity/Reward Challenge was the same water-spitting-wheel one as last season. I loved it then, and I love it now. Zapatera was blatant in their disinterest in winning, and Russell sniffed it out in about a nanosecond, declaring, “I’m dealing with a bunch of bitches.”

Rob was the puzzle solver for his tribe (as he should be every time there is a puzzle), and won easily. But what made me laugh out loud was Probst's tweet right after the challenge:“What is funny is that Rob is watching right now at home and this is the first he has learned of the challenge being thrown. You know that Amber is giving him a hard time right now! "You didn't win baby, they threw it!" " I highly recommed you follow Jeff Probst on Twitter. Very entertaining (although he didn't answer my question about how many blue shirts he owns.)

- After two weeks of Phillip-filled episodes, we barely saw him this week, except for Rob telling him to move his fat ass off of the chair and then finding a clue for the Idol. Even though they weren't expressly told that the Idol was back in the game after Kristina played it, looks like it is.

- After Russell got “the old lady” to seemingly switch sides, he told us in an on-camera confessional, "Game ON!" This is probably a good time for me to go over my rules for the phrases that should qualify a Reality TV contestant for immediate disqualification. For those of you unfamiliar with that list, it is as follows: 1) Threw me under the bus, 2) It is what it is, 3) There’s a target on my back, and 4) Game on! (any time after the first episode.) - Stephanie said that their plan to vote out Ralph with Julie's help would be the "Biggest. Blindside. Ever." I'm not sure about that...but it would have been good.

- Oh Ralph, God love ya...but "Ressell?" Seriously? At least you spelled it right on the re-vote...unless you were one of the THREE that spelled it "Russel" (Sorry, the English major in me is coming out.) The 3-way tie was unexpected...I actually thought that Julie had flipped. But only because I now no longer look at the time during Tribal Council...because if you do, the tie is always easy to predict or eliminate.
- So Russell got voted out of Survivor for the very first time. A VERY smart move by his tribe, but I wouldn't want to face him in a duel at Redemption Island. I think we'll be seeing that little sock-burning Hobbit for at least a couple more weeks.

Next Week: Phillip goes spear-chucking and Russell duels Matt.

A special hello to my new friends at TV Clubhouse, which is a great website with great people. I’ve added a permanent link on the sidebar and I highly recommend that you check it out if you’re into Reality TV talk. They’ve been around for a decade…and to think my dad told me this internet thing was “a fad” (true story!)

Survivor Fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Thanks for reading.

Related Posts:
Survivor Redemption Island Recap by Dalton Ross
Jeff Probst’s Blog
Spoiler TV Recap

Amazing Race Recap: "I've Never Looked So Foolish In My Whole Entire Life"

Last week’ s season premiere of The Amazing Race ended with the teams still racing, and no one being eliminated at the Pit Stop mat with Outback Phil. This week, all 11 teams continued on their trek through Australia. Would the Cow-bros be able to overcome the huge gap that was created last week? Who is on the verge of passing out? And why are the teams dressed like Kangaroos?

My Random Thoughts:

- First of all, I need to point out that I have an issue with this season being called "Unfinished Business." Yes, I understand that all of the teams are back for a second shot at the million dollars, but only one of these 11 teams are going to "finish" their "business" by winning the race. Know what I mean?

- I fully expected that at some point in the race, there would be some sort of language barrier between a team and a cab driver, but I certainly didn't expect it to be with an Asian cab driver...in Australia.

- Why were we seeing so many blurred faces while the teams were in Sydney? I know that CBS has to get people that appear on the race to sign a release to use their image in the show, but why were so many people in Sydney saying no? Is it a hotbed for the Witness Protection program?

- I had read last week that someone called the alliance of Luke & Margie with Jaime and Cara as "The Evil Alliance", and initially I jumped on board, but then I realized that it wasn't really fair. None of the 4 of them are really evil: Luke is a crybaby, Margie is an enabler, Jaime can sometimes be rude, and Cara is quite likeable. Maybe "Luke and The Gals" would be a better nickname, although his description of them as his 'race girlfriends' was cringe-worthy, especially after the awkward jumping up and down the 4 of them did after finding out they would be on the first flight. Did you see Luke making sure he had the redheads on either side? The look on his face was like, "Touch me, touch me." Creepy.

- I'll say that I'm incredibly impressed that Mike is 70 years old and running the race with his son, but if you're cramping up and nearly passing out on the first leg, then the future isn't looking too bright for Mel and Mike. Although Mike does get some Caring Son Points for telling Mike "I don't want to kill you for some joyride."

- Jet and Cord in wetsuits just looked awkward. I'm not sure if I've seen anything that looked so wrong on this show before. But hey, at least the City Slickers music is back when something good happpens with the Cow-Bros.

- At the Detour, the teams had to choose between Spirit World and Natural World, and all 11 of the teams picked Spirit World, which initially bothered me because, let's be honest, who doesn't want to see some good old Spit Art? But then I remembered that Amanda and Kris had to do it anyways because of the U-Turn, and I wondered how I could have forgotten that after being reminded about 13 times in the first five minutes about the U-Turn...again.
The Spirit World detour was pretty straightforward, with the teams having to complete a stone mosaic and then dance on top of it...all while accompanied by what appeared to be a homeless guy sitting cross-legged and blowing into a didgeridoo. (And if you want to hear some awesome eclectic music featuring the didgeridoo, check out my friends from Australia, Oka.) Kent made the easy part of the challenge more complicated by insisting to his partner "Vyxsin, please go get me children!" I like Kent and Vyxsin too much to make the obvious joke here.

Ron's master plan to Christina was to speak Chinese to each other so that the other teams couldn't understand them. I'm not sure that really mattered once the 10 other teams had left and they were the only ones there. Maybe they should have found that cab driver.

- Amanda and Kris breezed through the Spit Art, and as out-of-place as it was too watch a boyfriend teach his girlfried HOW to spit (sorry, couldn't resist), I had to wonder if it was so quick to complete (and it appeared to be...not just due to editing), then why didn't any of the other teams choose it?

- Do you think the teams this season were coached in advance on the use of "freakin'" and "frickin'" this season, because we're hearing it a LOT more than usual?

- I have to say, I really liked the task the teams had to do by solving a clue from the periodic table. I was thoroughly impressed that Kent (from his A in chemistry) was immediately able to identify the elements as Mercury and Bismuth (and not Bitunia or Business, as Ron suggested), while other teams resorted to the lame-ass strategy of "find someone with a Blackberry or iPhone."

- The Kangaroo suits were absolutely ridiculous...and awesome at the same time. I had to wonder if the Big Brother costume department, who has used unitards, Banana costumes, and Penguin costumes, was responsible for those outfits. To be fair, I'm sure that Kisha & Jen, Luke & Margie, and Jaime & Cara all had no problem with them, because at least they weren't running around St. Petersburg in their underwear in the winter like last time.

And the Globetrotters in the Kangaroo suits looked more ridiculous than anyone. Let me amend what I said a little earlier about the Cowboys in the wetsuits being the thing that looked the most wrong on the show.

- At the end of the Kangaroo task, the teams were given their Route Info directing them to the Pit Stop, which suggested "you may want to put on other shoes before driving." May? MAY? Are you telling me this isn't a specific requirement? How could it possibly be legal for them to drive without taking them off?

- Zev and Justin came in first on this leg, and how can you possibly not like these two and want to root for them? When I initially saw the cast list for this season, I wasn't too interested in seeing them back because, let's be honest, other than losing their passports, there wasn't really anything that memorable in their 4 episodes during their season (other than Zev the Duck Whisperer, which was pretty funny), but I'm getting on board with Zev and Justin now.

- Amanda and Kris were unable to overcome their 2nd U-Turn, and although they declared that they had won the lottery (Really? Being eliminated first is like winning the lottery?), it was another forgettable season for them. I suggest they embrace their Amazing Race legacy, and just get matching tattoos of the U-Turn symbol.

- Last week, I implemented a season-long “Goth” count for Kent and Vyxsin, and an “Oh My Gravy” count (currently at 1) for Jet and Cord. Well, earlier this week, Kent actually contacted me and playfully asked how many times they said it in the first episode. I must admit, it was a grand total of ZERO, and the Goths were obviously a victim of TAR editing in Season 12, since nobody really thought they walked around saying things like "We're the Gothy Gothersons from Gothville." Your point was very valid, Kent. Glad you're enjoying the blog.

Although, after tonight, I thought it may be a better idea to institute a whiny "Mommmmm" count from Luke, but I'm not sure I can count that high.

Next Week: Japan, Mudslinging, and a Fire-Headed Fender-Bender.

Amazing Race fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook or Twitter, where I post all of my recaps (and other Random Thoughts) as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined. Also, if you’re a Survivor fan, be sure to check back on Wednesday nights for weekly recaps on Survivor: Redemption Island.

Also, a special hello to my new friends at TV Clubhouse. Looking forward to getting to know you all better in the coming weeks!

Related Posts:
EW.com Amazing Race Recap
Spoiler TV Recap

Photo credits: Reality Fan Forum and CBS.com

Survivor Recap: "That Was Simple As Wiping Your Hiney With Toilet Paper"

Last week’s season premiere of Survivor Redemption Island was one of the more memorable premieres we’ve ever seen, with arguably the best first Tribal Council ever. Last season, as we were all getting our cumulative hate-on for NaOnka, I made the point that some Survivor characters are great, no matter how annoying or ridiculous they are, because they still make good TV. Coach Wade, for instance, was great TV, while NaOnka was not. Now, say what you will about Phillip, the “is-he-or-isn’t-he-a-former-special-agent-with-the-tighty-pinkies”, this guy is fantastic television.

Would this week’s follow-up episode match last week’s excitement? Who is Russell clashing with? And which Survivor matches wits with a crustacean?

My Random Thoughts:

- Tonight’s night-vision preamble started with Fran-Sasquatch making her way to Redemption Island and getting the lay of the land. First of all, just as Exile Island was never really an Island, I don’t believe for a second that Redemption Island is surrounded by water either. But Redemption Clearing doesn’t sound that good, does it?

Second of all, how crazy was it that there is a sign on a tree detailing “Life At Redemption Island”…like the House Rules at a pool hall or a poker room? I’m glad that the Redemption Island twist included Jeff telling the contestants about it from the beginning. But I’m not a fan of the only direction being that the player who survives from Redemption Island comes back “at some point.” I think it should be made clear when they come back. If it is indeed, as rumored, when there are only 6 players left, then it might be a good strategy to get voted out early and take your shot with one-on-one challenges and try to get back in with only 6 left

Then, Fran-Scooby-Doo was praying that there was flint there so that she could make fire. Now, I’m sure I’m not the only one that thought this, but wasn’t she carrying fire in her hand in the form of the lantern she was using for light? Unless it was a battery powered lantern with a Christmas tree bulb inside, wouldn’t the smart thing to do have been to use the fire in the lantern to start a campfire? Is there some reason we had to watch the ridiculous shot of her scraping the flint with the machete BY THE LIGHT OF THE LANTERN?

- On the camp side of the night-vision segment, Phillip told Rob “you own my vote”, which led to Rob delivering the first of what I’m sure will be many laugh-out-loud soundbytes: “This guy Phillip, FBI...whatever...Special Agent...I don't know if he's delusional. I think he's a good-hearted guy...I do. Just might not ALL be there. Let it be a lesson to you: Government Jobs...stressful.”

- In a battle for the ages, Phillip took on…a crab? Look, I get that you need to look for food, and crab would be a smart choice to try and find around camp or near the water, but are these creatures (and especially the size we saw on this episode) really the best candidates to throw a SPEAR at? I mean, even if he was able to hit one, would he be able to generate enough force to penetrate the shell? And if by some strange stretch of the imagination he was able to do that, wouldn’t the spear just blow right through the tiny crab anyways, making the minute bit of meat useless? Obviously it was a much better idea to just chuck rocks at it until you hit one.

- Speaking of rocks, Ralph the Camp Rooster stumbled upon a Hidden Immunity Idol while gathering rocks, (don’t they normally gather firewood?) and first celebrated with a “Hot Doggie” before breaking out his newest nugget “That was simple as wiping your hiney with toilet paper.” I can’t wait to hear more pieces of wisdom from him this season. And I will re-iterate again that the Idols need to be hidden a LOT better.

- As Phillip was talking about how Fran-Susquehanna hurt his feelings last week, we heard him wax poetic and then go on about how much he loved his country and what it meant to him. Cue the “God Bless America” patriotic background music, Phillip’s mock tears and cracked voice, and a collective gag was heard by viewers everywhere. I haven’t seen as ridiculous a demonstration of forced American patriotism since the end of Spider-Man 2. And I won't even touch on his ridiculous Lion and Gorilla analogies at Tribal Council since I have no clue what he was talking about.

- At the Reward/Immunity challenge (looks like we're back to combining them again), I hope you were thinking what I was thinking: Tile-Smashing! And not just one set of tiles, but a double section of tile-smashing...at the beginning and the end. Hairy Ralph pulled it out at the end, besting Phillip at the wire, proving that Phillip's talents were clearly not used in the ball-chucking division of the government.

And I'll let you in on a little secret you probably haven't considered. When you see that pool in challenges this season, remember that it's the same pool Fabio peed in last season. Think they drained and re-filled it? Me neither.

Also, at the end of that challenge, as Russell was carrying the fishing gear by the other tribe, it looked like Phillip may have winked at Russell, or at someone. Personally, I think it's just a nervous twitch on Mr. Pink Shorts.

- Wait a minute, people on Redemption Island get a luxury item? This is getting worse by the minute.

- Phillip’s speech to his tribemates before Tribal council went like this" “I want to say to all my fellow contestants…and tribe members…I thought you guys performed gallantry…ly…I mean, you know, you were outstanding. You should be proud of your effort. I only wish…I could have performed…in MY moment…as well as all of you did today.”

Clearly Phillip is one of those people who likes to use big words because they sound smart without knowing what they mean. I look forward to hearing him use 'supposably' in upcoming episodes. That trait leads me to believe that he's just a massive shit talker, and that he's making up this whole Special Agent stuff.

- As Rob worked to include Phillip in his plan to get Matt out, and took a walk with him, I was screaming at the TV "Don't tell him anything!" But Rob is much smarter at this game than you or I will ever be, and found a way to include Phillip in the plan without actually telling him anything he could spill. If Phillip decided to actually sing like a canary at Tribal, Rob could simply say it was a test of his trustworthiness, which he failed.

- Tribal Council was anticlimactic, even with the producers saving all 4 of Matt's votes until the end. Andrea's reaction was priceless, though.

- I'm impressed so far. 2 good episodes in a row.

Next Week: Andrea is pissed and Russell makes more enemies.

Survivor Fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Starting this week, I’m also going to start posting links to the recaps on Twitter, so feel free to add me on Twitter as well, although I don’t really use it all that often, and will only be using it to provide links to the blog in the foreseeable future.
Thanks for reading.

Related Posts:
Survivor Redemption Island Recap by Dalton Ross
Jeff Probst’s Blog

Spoiler TV Recap

Amazing Race Recap: "Second Chances Don't Come Free"

A new season of the Amazing Race is off and running, and as many of you know by now (and as was first reported here back in December), this season is sub-titled Unfinished Business, with 11 teams returning for another shot at the million dollars. I’ll reiterate my initial response to the Cast List: why are we seeing only teams from Season 12 onward? Nobody from the first 11 seasons warranted an invite?

To the returning readers, Welcome back! It’s nice to see you again. And for those of you new to my blog and my Amazing Race Recaps, a hearty welcome as well, and a couple of things you should know: a) the recaps should be up within 30 minutes (often less) of when the show ends on the East Coast, b) the pictures will all have hidden captions underneath, so make sure to mouse over them if you want to see them, and c) I love Comments, so let’s all get involved in the Comments section for this season.

And with a raise of my very own eyebrow--since Phil didn't do it--we’re off!

My Random Thoughts:

- I liked Kynt and Vyxsin in their first season, but it was way over-the-top on how often they reminded us that they were “Goths” and what the Goth lifestyle was like. I’m implementing a season-long “Goth” count that we will revisit every week, similar to last season’s “C’Mon Claire!” count, or the previous season’s “Bro” and “Oh My Gravy.” Damn, I just realized I’ll have to do an “Oh My Gravy” count this season, too…I may need a chart. Make your predictions in the Comments section, what will we hear more of this season: Goth or Oh My Gravy? We’ll keep track for the season. Keep in mind that the Goth count will only be valid if Kynt and Vyxsin say it.

- In the opening montage where we saw all the teams riding up the hill with the wind farm in the background, we were treated to the backstory on everyone and their demise in each of their respective seasons. A basic recap, but two things stood out to me: 1) That Zev and Justin wearing Harlem Globetrotters T-shirts was a nice touch, and 2) that when Kisha and Jen were eliminated in Beijing dressed as geishas, I didn’t realize just how much Kisha looked like 90’s pro wrestler Papa Shango.

- I absolutely loved the new way of opening the race. Instead of racing to the airport to try and find flights, the teams had to first complete a task for Phil, and the first ones to finish were awarded seats on the premium flight. Additionally, the last team to complete would get an automatic U-Turn on the first Detour, and from the recap footage that reminded us how annoyed Amanda and Kris were over being U-Turned in their season, it was painfully obvious that they would be the ones in last place.

As a side note, the premium flight became the last-place flight after a medical emergency caused the flight to make an unscheduled landing. I'm shocked that in 18 seasons, this is the first time we've seen this.

- This is the first season of The Amazing Race in HD, and they sure gave us a good showcase of it in this episode, didn't they? Beaches, sailing, and sharks and stingrays...it was a great visual episode. I really liked the Shark Tank task, and it reminded me of Mandalay Bay and how much I miss Las Vegas. (soon...very soon.)

- Between the constant shots of signs that said "Manly Ferry" and the use of the phrase "firing of the seaman’s gun", this season may have already used their full quotient of innuendo. And did every shot of the "Manly Ferry" signs need to be followed by a shot of Mel, Mike, or Kynt? (seriously, go back and look) Very unnecessary and low-brow.

- Jet (or Cord, I don't remember which one) declared “I’m from Oklahoma. I don't do water. I don't even take baths.” That sound you heard was the collective screams of the employees of the Tourism Board of Oklahoma.

- The Margie & Luke / Jaime & Cara alliance decided that their best way to solve the flag task was to hang out by the commodore and try to listen in to what the other teams say. First of all (and I'm not trying to make fun of Luke here...I'll do that enough this season), is this the best strategy for a team with a deaf contestant? And second, how awesome was it that the Globetrotters whispered their answer so they couldn't hear?

- As the teams checed in with Outback Phil & a random surf dude, they were told to keep racing. Nobody seemed overly surprised except Mallory, who Phil essentially had to kick off the mat to tell her to get moving.

- A lot of what we saw tonight was essentially "Same shit, different season": Jaime yelled at Cara (and her sailing partners who righted the boat after it flipped), Luke acted like a petulant infant, Ron was exhausted, and Mallory prayed for anything and everything. Seriously, she prayed for help before even receiving the first clue, and at the flag task, asked "Jesus, help me." Discussion topic: Was Gary and Mallory's first-place finish due to divine intervention from above, or simply Mallory's ability to solve a cryptogram?

- I’m putting my support behind two teams this season, The Goths and the Globetrotters, which is probably the name of some horrible B-Movie sitting on a discount rack for 99 cents in some mom-and-pop video store.

- I really enjoyed the Season Premiere, but it can’t compare with last season’s starting episode because no one took a watermelon to the face from a catapult. That is still the stuff that legends are made of. (Here’s a link if you need to see it again.)

Next Week: The First Leg Continues.

Amazing Race fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook, where I post all of my recaps (and other Random Thoughts) as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined. Also, if you’re a Survivor fan, be sure to check back on Wednesday nights for weekly recaps on Survivor: Redemption Island.

Related Posts:
Darren Franich's EW.com Amazing Race Recap
Spoiler TV Recap

Foo Fighters: White Limo

New Single. New Video. Old School Heavy Foos.
Yes...that's Lemmy from Motorhead.

Survivor Redemption Island Recap: "Man, It Feels So Good To Play With You Amateurs"

Survivor Redemption Island premiered with a bang tonight, showing that this new cast (while not as stupid as last season's bunch of morons) still has a LOT to learn. Rob's statement in the Tribal Council voting confessional was too perfect not to be the title of this recap.

As I mentioned yesterday, tonight’s recap is going to be my first impressions of this season’s cast, along with a few Random Thoughts at the end. To be fair, after only one episode, it’s hard to really tell anything about this cast…perhaps the person I think is going to be the NaOnka of the season, turns out to be the Purple Kelly of the season. And what did we learn about THAT last season? That you can be batshit insane, or not say a word for 2 months, and when you both quit at Tribal Council on the same night, SURVIVOR FANS HATE YOU EQUALLY.

My First Impressions:
(I’m obviously not giving my first impressions on Rob and Russell.)

Andrea - Pretty student who almost chopped her toes off, according to Phillip. Now, I can see how he was being a little too aggressive with his message, but he did have a fair point with her hacking away with a bare foot planted on the tree trunk. No opinion yet.

Ashley - The nurse who, after the tribe lost their immunity challenge, declared that they "let Rob down" and that you "want to please your leader." Starstruck perhaps?

David - Attorney with the suit and matching purple silk tie/handkerchief combo who tried to lead the puzzle portion of the challenge until Russell took over and they won. I can see the strategy in wearing a suit to the game, just to have it for warmth or material at some point, but why the tie and handkerchief? Could have a shot.

Francesca - Another attorney, very outspoken, who made the opposite strategic wardrobe choice that David made. Why on earth would you wear sandals/flip-flops to Survivor? Idiotic. And those Egyptian-style ones just piss me off, frankly.

Grant - Dreads and manpris (capris for men)...said nothing.

Kristina – Over-strategic from the get-go. At first I applauded her moxie in hunting for--and finding--the Idol (And SERIOUSLY, can we start hiding these things a little better, please?), but then she convoluted the whole matter by making everything as complicated as possible. More in the Random Thoughts below.

Matt - Bible-thumping pre-med student in pink boxer briefs. I challenge you to find that sentence EVER spoken or written anywhere before. Go ahead, I dare you. Aren't you just a different version of Fabio?

Mike - Former Iraq Vet. I thought he was great as Cyclops in the X-Men movies

Phillip - Jesus, where do I start? Supreme Alpha Male Former Special Agent (Did you catch that? Did you hear him mention that?) who is too pushy and aggressive to survive in this game. Won't make Day 10.

Ralph - Larry The Cable Guy meets George The Animal Steele. Anyone whose verbal contribution to the Season Premiere is "We done got a slope" won't see the jury. Sorry, Ralph.

Stephanie - Fiesty pipsqueak who decided immediately to align with Russell, immediately making the shortest alliance ever (height-wise). I like her, she's my pick to win. And she reminds me of Pamela Adlon from Californication.

Steve - Old guy who didn't say much. Not sure what to think.

Julie, Krista, Natalie, Sarita - I don't know which one of you is which yet, sorry.

My Random Thoughts

- Probst straddling the open helicopter as it veered off was pretty impressive. You have to admit that. How many of you were expecting a Blue Shirt Free Fall?

- I speculated last season that Mark Burnett found a volume discount on tiles since almost every challenge involved smashing some sort of tile. Based on the footage from the Intro, and the fact that this season was filmed in the same place as last season, and immediately after, makes me think we’re in for a LOT of tile-smashing again. Well, at least it has replaced the old standard "cut a rope and raise a flag" challenge ending.

- Francesca stepped on to the beach and, upon seeing the tribe mats, declared “Oh wow. This is really happening.” Really, Francesca? The helicopter ride and Probst's monologues to the camera didn't tell you it was happening, but those purple and orange mats did?

It reminded me of a radio interview I heard a couple of weeks ago (true story) about a 7-car pile-up on a highway near where I live, where one of the guys in the domino chain of cars told the interviewer "I just looked in my rear-view and saw him bearing down on me, so I just braced myself and said 'Here We Go.' "

NO CHANCE this guy said "Here We Go" when he saw that. More Like "HOLY F*$@ING SH*& I"M GONNA GET HIT!"

- Did Rob and Russell both gain weight? Looked like it. Maybe not a bad strategy. I loved how Russell said that he was “back to claim my title of Sole Survivor”...a title he never actually won.

- Since when do the tribes get a box of tools to build a shelter? Yeah, I get the product placement for Craftsman, but come on! Why not just give them a water cooler and a stocked refrigerator while you're at it?

- 2 Lawyers and a Law Student (who is older than both of the lawyers!)...did the recruiters just head to a Law School this time?

- I honestly believe that any television show can be made better by showing a lizard running on water. Enough snakes and spiders...more lizards, more water, more running.

- I had a really hard time looking at the TV when Phillip was there in his boxers. “How did I get stuck with the old annoying guy in the droopy fuchsia briefs?”, Francesca told us. My girlfriend was actually holding her hand up to block him from her line of sight. How can you take this guy seriously?

- Russell made me laugh after the Tetris/Jenga challenge, when he predicted that Rob's reaction would be “Oh Crap, I’m stuck with a bunch of weenies.” Not because he actually said that, but on Heroes vs. Villains, Rob made a classic line that was similar: "I'm stuck on the buffoon tribe...again."

- Does Kristina understand that the Idol doesn't translate to like, 5 votes? It just means you're safe. And how hard is it to say Francesca? Fran-chess-ka. See? very simple. But Phillip butchered it so many times at Tribal Council, I'm shocked Jeff kept a straight face. Then he said "Excuse Me" about a hundred times for no reason. Special Agent Drama Queen.

- I loved Rob's suggestion that Kristina give him the Idol to save herself, especially since when this was filmed, he wouldn't have seen Sash do it to Marty last season. Speaking of the Idol, folks, once again we see what I have been saying for the past 5 seasons...WHEN YOU GET THE IDOL, DON'T GO AROUND TELLING PEOPLE.

- With the amount of time we saw Francesca in this episode, it was fairly obvious that we were going to see her go. I hope the edits aren't that obvious all season or there will never be any tension. As she voted for Phillip, she said "I hope to never see you again." I think there's a pretty good chance she sees him next week at Redemption Island after he gets voted out.

- Speaking of Redemption Island, I have a question. Jeff talked about how you have to take care of fire, shelter and food all by yourself there, and then square off when someone else arrives. But when does that challenge happen? Is it immediately upon their arrival? Or do they work together for a time at camp? I would hope it's immediately, otherwise the "solitary confinement" aspect of Redemption Island is a moot point.

As I mentioned, after the first episode, my pick is Stephanie, with an outside shot to Grant.

Next week: Ralph vs. Russell, and Phillip vs A Crab.

Survivor Fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Thanks for reading.

Related Posts:
Survivor Redemption Island Recap by Dalton Ross
Jeff Probst’s Blog
Spoiler TV Recap

Survivor Redemption Island "Preview"

With the premiere of Survivor Redemption Island set for tomorrow night, I was originally planning on looking at all of the cast bios and putting together some sort of comprehensive advance "preview" of this season, but then I decided that I would rather go in blind on Wednesday night and take it from there, with an unbiased eye. Having said that, I will give my thoughts on this upcoming season, some of which I have mentioned in previous posts, so forgive me if you've heard some of this already...and if you HAVE heard some of this already, then Thank You for being a regular reader!

I'm on record as saying I think this Redemption Island twist is a horrible idea. For 21 seasons, losing your fire in this game meant you were gone (save for that horrible Pearl Islands "Outcasts" twist that saw Scout Leader Lil return and nearly win the game! Disaster averted), and now it means that maybe you're gone. I'm not a fan at all. They've even started using that point in the promos for the show, which I appreciate...but it's still a massive change in the game that alters everything. I understand that the game evolves, and changes over time, but changing one of the basic tenets of the game is way over the line. Imagine in baseball, if someone was caught stealing a base, and was 'out', but then all of a sudden there was some way to reverse that out and get back to second base...yes, the concept is as ridiculous as it sounds.

I'm sure it will make for great TV, and everyone will be talking about it, but I'm not on board. Not by a long shot.

The return of Boston Rob and Russell (first reported here back in December) is interesting, but comes with a heavy cost. As much as I am fans of both Rob and Russell, the reality is that neither of them could ever win this game. Russell has proven that he can't get a jury to vote for him no matter what, and Rob is now widely regarded as one of the best players ever, so why would anyone take him to the end?

Chances of Rob winning: 0%. Chances of Russell winning: slightly lower than Rob.

So, in essence, what Mark Burnett and CBS are doing, is creating a fall-back plan for if/when the "Rob vs. Russell" season doesn't pan out when the other Survivors decide they don't want a guy on his 3rd try and a guy on his 4th try to win, and vote them off. Enter Redemption Island...a chance to keep your stars on TV even longer, after they get voted off. (As an aside, check out this video from Entertainment Weekly's Dalton Ross when Rob and Russell first learned they would both be on this season.)

My recap of the premiere will be a snapshot of my initial impressions of each Survivor, along with a couple of Random Thoughts on the overall episode. After that, you can expect a regular Random Thoughts recap after each episode, usually up withing 30-60 minutes of when the episode airs on the East Coast.

The new readers and fans that have been reading here over the past couple of seasons has been overwhelming. What started as a small project writing bullet-point recaps has expanded into a strong readership that has led to new opportunities, such as being invited to participate in the pre-season media conference call with Mark Burnett and Jeff Probst in advance of the season premiere. Who would have thought that a year ago??

With each weekly recap, I will also be posting on Spoiler TV, and providing links on Facebook, CBS.com and EW.com. Some of the readers on the message boards can be rather nasty, so while I will provide links to places like EW at the end of each recap, I strongly advise you to read Dalton Ross' recap, but do not read the Comments section. There is no moderation, and aside from the hate and anger (which can be easily ignored), the main reason I say do not read the Comments is because each week, people post spoilers for the season anonymously, with no accountability. And last season, all of the spoilers were correct. So if you do not want to be spoiled on this season, do not read the comments. And if spoilers appear here in the Comments section, I will once again enable Comment Moderation, but I'm hoping it doesn't come to that.

Check back here tomorrow night by 10:00 pm ET for my recap of the season premiere, and if you're an Amazing Race fan, keep in mind that I will be recapping the upcoming season (premiering this Sunday) as well.

See you tomorrow.

Nothing Could Be Finer Than Duke Over Carolina...Again.

I'm honestly considering naming any future children "Seth Curry Furfaro." Or maybe "Nolan Smith's Career-High Furfaro." Possibly even "You Really Thought You Had A Chance, Didn't You Furfaro."

Well, that last one is a little outlandish...no need to get crazy.

Duke 79 - UNC 73.

Suck it, Tar Heels.

Volkswagen Commercial: The Force

Why Are These Books Being Published?

For the past 13 years, I've worked with books. Thousands upon thousands upon thousands of books. I'll admit...I don't read as much as I used to, or as much as I'd like to, but my job finds me constantly surrounded by books new and old.

Sometimes, with the sheer number of titles I see in a given day/week/month/year, there are bound to be some amusing moments. Like recently at work, when I walked by one of the carts that was filled with books, and the following 2 caught my eye...side by side.














I'm not making that up. Those two books were coincidentally right beside each other! How fantastic is that? One one side, a title from a man who has become regarded in the past few years as one of our greatest minds, and one of our most innovative thinkers, called "Blink". And then, right beside that, perhaps the most iconic example of literary fluff, James Patterson, with a title called "Don't Blink." It's almost as if Jimmy "17 books in 2 years" Patterson is saying to readers: "Hey, you know that really smart guy who is telling you something? Do the opposite!"

For those of you who didn't get the spiffy nickname I just gave Patterson up there, read this article to see why I regard him as the epitome of everything that is wrong with the world of publishing today. Add in the fact that most of the time, he doesn't actually write his own books anymore...that he just adds his name in a giant font that covers half the front of the book with the co-author's name minutely printed underneath...and you can see why he gets my blood boiling.

But a big part of my job is combing through the publisher catalogues to see the releases that are scheduled to come out in the next season. I'm normally looking at books that are coming out 3-6 months from now, and I'm smack in the middle of that right now. Generally, I see a couple of titles per season that have me shaking my head...but in the last 24 hours alone, I've seen three separate books that I felt compelled to comment on.

#1) Grilling With Salming - Borje Salming

Now, a lot of you may not be familiar with Borje Salming, but as a kid growing up an hour outside of Toronto in the late 70s and early 80s, the Swedish hockey star from the Toronto Maple Leafs was a big name in these parts. Imagine my surprise when I saw a sell sheet for this book come across my desk.

The wording in the write-up is absolutely fantastic. I had no idea that "back in Sweden, Salming is still known for his defensive skills, but even more for his grill skills. There, he’s known as “the King of the Barbecue.”" A combination cookbook/memories of the NHL book (???), it also declares that "on the ice...he who dares, wins. The same thing applies to barbecue." I would submit that in barbecue, he who dares ends up with a burnt steak, but I don't have a cookbook coming out.

I've seen my share of confusing cookbooks in the past decade, so normally a former NHL star giving grilling tips wouldn't really catch my eye. But then I turned the page and saw this photo:
What the hell is that?

Well, I know what the hell it is...it's Borje Salming on a beach blowing on the coals of a fire while a fish with a stick jammed through it is burning on top of the fire. But are you honestly telling me that someone at the publisher decided THIS was the best photo to promote this book? And then, I decided to look at the accompanying recipe that the photo was attached to...

You would expect this to have some sort of snappy name like "Fire Roasted Snapper on Natural Coals" or "Grilled Arctic Char, Beach Style", right? Want to guess what this recipe is called?

Stick Fish.

I SHIT YOU NOT...It's called "Stick Fish"!

And here's the best part...the recipe reads as follows:

4 fresh lake trout or arctic char
4 deciduous sapling branches, each approx. 3 ft (1 m) long
Salt, to taste

1. Gut fish but leave head intact.
2. Whittle branches to sharp point at one end, removing any side branches.
3. Skewer each fish with branch, entering through mouth and threading carefully
along spine.
4. Lean skewered fish on angle toward fire, turning now and then. The size of the fish
should determine the cooking time; flesh should be flaky and easy to separate.
5. Season with salt, and eat directly off stick.

Do you really want to be following cooking directions from someone whose instructions include telling you to turn the fish "now and then"? When exactly is "now" and when is "then"? Shouldn't a cookbook be more precise than that? I mean, for God's sake, he even specified that the stick has to be deciduous! You can't give directions to the reader in minutes????

Plus, I don't want my cooking instructions to include "whittling." Chopping, slicing, grinding, sautéeing...sure. But leave the whittling for the woodworking class.

Stick to hockey, Borje. (pardon the pun)

#2) The Rules According to JWoWW: Shore-Tested Secrets on Landing a Mint Guy, Staying Fresh to Death, and Kicking the Competition to the Curb - JWoWW

(Allow me to preface this section by stating that I have never seen an episode of Jersey Shore, although I am familiar with the cast due to their incessant fame-whoring wherever I turn.)

It's bad enough that Snooki has published a book...a novel about a "Guidette" (her word) looking for love. It's called A Shore Thing, but the working title when it was being pitched was Snookin' For Love. But now I open a catalogue and see this book from J-WoWW, or as non-Jersey-Shore-fans know her, "the one that isn't Snooki."

Ok, I'll bite...if fans want to buy a work of fiction from that Orange Poof-Headed monster, so be it...but now this one is writing non-fiction...and on DATING ADVICE, no less?! I mean, look at that subtitle: "Shore-Tested Secrets on Landing a Mint Guy."? And take a look at the cover:
Now, don't get me wrong, there are very few things that I, as a heterosexual red-blooded male, can find wrong with the "schoolgirl look", but when you dress up a TV skank and put her in that outfit on a dating manual, all it says to me is "forget what's in the book, dress like this if you want attention." And if you look closely at that cover, you'll see that in the first printing of this book, it comes with a FREE POSTER of her inside? Do you think Malcolm Gladwell fans get a free poster? (or want one?) Or even the evil James Patterson? Come on...

And don't be fooled by the cover image stating that the book is by Jenni "JWoWW" Farley, the sell sheet in the catalogue was very clear that the author is NOT Jenni Farley...it's JWoWW...with 3 capital Ws and a lower-case o. Like all of a sudden, she's in the one-name category like Madonna, or Cher, or Oprah.

Plus...just to make you vomit in your mouth a little bit...first print run: 150,000 copies.

The best part? The opening line in the writeup: "The Jersey Shore's JWoWW offers a new spin on the rules of dating, from “smushing” guys to avoiding booty calls to landing the guido of your dreams."

I can't top that...as George Costanza said, "Leave on a high note!"

NEXT!
3) The Way of Baseball: Finding Stillness at 95 mph - Shawn Green

Let me point out that in early 2011, there are very few baseball names that are less relevant than Shawn Green, so to see that he was publishing a book was shocking. I mean, he faded into obscurity with the New York Mets and retired quietly in 2007. Then, to see that the first print run on this book was 125,000 copies was doubly shocking. THEN, to see the publisher trying to pump us his accomplishments in baseball... Well, let me show you the bio first, and then we'll break it down.

Shawn Green’s Major League baseball career spanned nearly fourteen years with four teams: the Toronto Blue Jays, the Los Angeles Dodgers, the Arizona Diamondbacks, and the New York Mets. During his baseball career he won numerous accolades, including both the American League Gold Glove Award and the Silver Slugger in ’99. He finished in the top ten of voting for league MVP three times, was a two-time All Star, and holds several Major League records as well as numerous individual team records with both the Blue Jays and the Dodgers.

First of all, a player who played 14 years in the majors and been named an All-Star twice isn't that big of an accomplishment...not really worth mentioning in his bio. Nor is the fact that in 14 years he finished in the Top Ten of league MVP voting three times. That pretty much means that some sports writer gave him a third place vote.

The thing that threw me for a loop was the claim that he holds several Major League records. I immediately said "that's total bullshit", unless they were talking about some sort of obscure made-up record like "most triples by a Jewish right fielder." But, just to be fair, I looked it up. Turns out I was wrong, and Shawn Green indeed holds multiple major league records. Check this out (from his Wikipedia page):

"Green holds or is tied for the following major league records: most home runs in a game (4), most extra base hits in a game (5), most total bases in a game (19), most runs scored in a game (6), most home runs in two consecutive games (5), most home runs in three consecutive games (7), and most consecutive home runs (4)."

Now, let me point out the following:

Most home runs in a game - tied with FIFTEEN other players.
Most runs scored in a game - tied with SIXTEEN other players.
Most consecutive home runs - tied with over TWENTY other players.

And please keep in mind that the most home runs in two games, and most home runs in three games are BS records anyways, not acknowledged anywhere by MLB. AND..almost all of these records came out of ONE game he had in 2003. Don't try to make the guy look like a first-ballot Hall-of-Famer when in actuality, he was just a slightly above average player who was grossly overpaid, even by MLB standards.

No one will buy this book, and in 2 years, you'll see it for $2.00 in a discount bin beside a Magic Eye book and a VHS copy of Freddy Got Fingered.

Three outrageous books coming out in 2011...which one do you think is the worst?

Survivor: Redemption Island: Told Ya!

The premiere of Survivor: Redemption Island is exactly one month away, but as I reported way back on December 15th, aside from the ridiculous Redemption Island twist, this season will feature arguably the two greatest players of all-time squaring off against each other on opposite tribes.

That's right, Boston Rob and Russell are back!

Now, considering that these are two of my favourite contestants, I should be thrilled about this, right? The funny thing is that I'm lukewarm on the idea, for a number of reasons, primarily due to the fact that I'm not looking forward to this Redemption Island garbage anyways. Plus, as much as I love Russell, this is his third go-around in the last four seasons. We love Boston Rob because we miss Boston Rob...we haven't had a chance to miss the little sock-burning Hobbit yet.

A lot of people were expecting that this would have been announced at the Survivor Nicaragua Season Finale. Boston Rob and Russell were sitting across the aisle from each other, after all, which would have set up a Boxing-Weigh-in-Like face-to-face confrontation. But I figure that with all the rumours floating around already, they ditched that idea to reveal it mid-January when Survivor was out of everyone's mind. Why else would we be hearing this news and seeing photos and bios of the new cast over a month away from the premiere?

I will clear up one other rumour that had been floating around about this season, and it was confirmed by Jeff Probst earlier this week. Rob and Russell have not been given Immunity until the merge, as some websites are erroneously reporting.

This season was filmed immediately after Survivor Nicaragua, in the same locale. And due to the proliferation of Spoilers that made the rounds last season, there are a number of them floating around again for this season. Once the season starts on February 16th, I will be enabling Comment Moderation once again so that unwanted Spoilers aren't a part of this site. Just to give you an idea of how bad it has become for this once-heavily-guarded secret, CBS.com has now even introduced a Spoilers section in their Survivor Community message boards. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, I guess... I doubt it will make much of a difference anyways.

I am once again committing to recapping the full season, although I'm still not enjoying the switch to Wednesday nights. I'll miss an episode or two when I'm in Las Vegas in the spring, but the recaps will be up as usual within 30 minutes of when the episode ends on the East Coast. I'm not going to bother even reading the bios of this obviously recruited group of models (yawn), but lets make it clear...after last season's bunch of idiots, any new cast will have to be an improvement.

What do you think? Are you excited about Rob and Russell returning? Or are sick of either of them...or both of them? And are you as annoyed about this Redemption Island twist as I am? Let's hear from you in the Comments section.

See you in February.