Survivor South Pacific Recap: “Is It Just Me, Or Is This Getting Heavy?”

Tonight's episode of Survivor South Pacific features a Redemption (Non) Island Duel between Papa Bear and Christine, and the return of the classic "How Much Weight Can You Hold" challenge. Plus...whose teeth are "suspiciously white?"

My Random Thoughts:

- Previously On…Survivor: At Upolu, Coach likes his alliance, Stacy is an outsider, and a recap on all of the reasons why Brandon is crazy. At Savaii, Ozzy is in charge, but the old and nerdy are on the outside.

- The episode itself starts with Elyse and Ozzy swinging in the hammock together, while Ozzy talks about how one of his favourite books is Robinson Crusoe. Did anyone buy this? Or did we all just realize that he was just trying to say the appropriate thing to impress the hot girl?

- Jim observed them from a distance and talked about the fact that a pair is strong in Survivor, and that he doesn’t like pairs. He then went to Cochran, and pitched the idea of Elyse as a target because, as he put it, Elyse is a variable, and he likes constants.

So, let me get this straight Jim, you don’t like pairs, and you’re uncomfortable when the factors in the game are variable instead of constant? Well, pardon my bluntness, dumbass, but then WHY THE HELL ARE YOU A POKER PLAYER? Poker is all about variable factors, and you want a pair when you look at your cards! Tell me again that you’re a poker champion.

Cochran, meanwhile, expressed that he doesn’t really trust him, mainly because his teeth are “suspiciously white.” Sounds like a good reason to me.

- Brandon was re-introduced to us this week with more ominous music, bells ringing in the background with smoke rising around him. He then apologized to Mikayla, but she was understandably wary. “Look who his uncle is”, she told us. Do you think Russell watches from home, and smiles ear-to-ear every time he gets mentioned on the show?

- On Brandon’s honesty kick, he then got all weepy to Edna, and went to her and told her that she was on the outside of her group of 6, and that there was only a core group of five. “This is probably the worst game strategy in the world” he told her, and it’s really not that bad…unless you’re in the group of five and telling the 6th…which he is!!!

It made absolutely no sense at all, and if he’s trying to come clean on everything, why didn’t he THEN go to the rest of the group of five, and come clean on the fact that he told Edna…and then go back to Edna and tell her that he told them? And so on? A vicious cycle.

- In the past couple of seasons, we’ve seen contestants on the show that have seemingly been provided with Tribe Coloured swim trunks. I mean, it was pretty obvious…how many people on the same Tribe just happened to show up with purple bikinis and bathing suits? But this season, we haven’t really seen that, and as a result, we’re generally seeing everyone in their underwear. But that question was answered tonight with a new basket of swimwear for each tribe.

- Last week I talked about the fact that all we see in the nature shots are crabs and lizards. Did you see that AGAIN this week?

- Dawn talked about being the weakest on her tribe, and compared herself to Rudy, the Oldster among the youngsters. Because I end up mentioning this every single week, I am now implementing a new feature in my recaps: The Survivor Foreshadowing Moment Of The Week (SFMOTW for short). Dawn's speech meant that she would either be the one voted out, or the one who won the challenge for her Tribe.

- At Redemption (Non) Island, before the Duel got started, Brandon decided he needed still more honesty brownie points, and apologized to Christine, who responded by saying “I accept it. Whether I buy it or not is another story.” That doesn’t make any sense. How can you accept it, but not believe it? Isn’t thinking the person apologizing is a liar a pretty good indication that you don’t believe they are sorry? Then why would you accept the apology?

- The Duel itself was the old “bags on crates” Survivor Carnival game. Did you notice that Papa Bear (Jesus, I can’t even remember his real name anymore) was dramatic with every throw? If he missed, it was his head in his hands, and if he hit, it was a thumbs up or clap and fist pump. Christine started off on fire, then slowed down, but still won narrowly, 10-9 over the Gay Retired NYPD Detective. And to be clear, I only typed that because I can’t imagine another instance in my life where I will have to type that group of words together again.

Then the soft music started as we all said goodbye to Papa Bear, who symbolically burned his buff on the way out,which isn't as dirty as it sounds. Now, before any of you start thinking that Christine is the new Matt for winning two Duels in a row, let’s remember that she beat Semhar (who I’m convinced was always on some sort of Peyote high), and an old guy.

- I’m sorry, I have to say it. Cochran’s popped collar just makes me want to punch him. I like him, but popped collars make me furious.

- Edna played the social game, talking about washing shirts, walking on people’s backs, and Mikayla’s modeling career, all while giggling in a manner that would make Rachel from Big Brother jealous. Stacy got annoyed, saying that she had no off switch, and that she “needs to be disconnected.”

- At the Immunity challenge (which came with a side of chicken), the teams had to “Shoulder The Load” in a classic Survivor contest of strength. Keith and Albert were the first two out, and then Brandon and Jim set a new Survivor record at 240 lbs each, even if they only held it for about 15 seconds each. In the end, it came down to the women, and Dawn held on longer than Stacey.

- Back at Upolu, Edna was worried that she was on the chopping block. Stacey, who I had already outed last week as the queen of clichés, decided that this week’s clichés would only revolve around eggs, saying, “Edna is on an Easter Egg hunt right now”, and “she is scrambling like scrambled eggs in a hot skillet right now.”

Stacey then went on about how well she did in her challenge, saying “Look how much I lifted today”, which would be a really great argument if every challenge was holding a weighted bar on your ass, but it’s not. So I’m pretty sure the challenges where Stacey will have to show her inner weightlifter are essentially done. She compared herself to Edna, saying that Edna couldn’t have lifted that much because “bones can’t lift too much if it’s all skeleton with the bones.”

Huh? Does anyone know what that means? I’m not just making a joke…seriously? When is a skeleton ever anything BUT all bones?

Her confusing language continued when she told us (and this is verbatim): “I gotta lie to kick it, and what that means is I gotta lie to try to get in to fit in. You lie to kick it, with the next man.”

Ok, what the hell does that mean? I will be eternally grateful to anyone that can comprehensively decipher that sentence in the Comments section. You’ll get a mention in next week’s recap if it makes sense.

- Right before Tribal Council, Brandon went to Coach and showed how gullible he is, as Stacy tried to put doubts in his eyes. Brandon scoffed at Coach when he was right to try and calm his fears. Don’t trust someone on Death Row, Coach astutely told him, but Brandon was still worried.

- At Tribal Council, who would it be? Stacy? Edna? Brandon? I’m just happy that Coach has reverted back to his old habit of asking and answering his own questions again. Jeff tried to foster a topic of conversation, asking the Tribe what was annoying about each other, and we learned that Rick can actually speak, Albert snores, Brandon doesn’t like Edna talking so much, Stacy is difficult to engage, and Mikayla told Jeff they all know Russell is Brandon’s uncle.

Jeff then talked incessantly about Russell, and Brandon broke down. Listen, I know I’m a sarcastic prick, and it’s my weekly duty to carve up the ridculousness of this show, but I have a soft spot, and I can appreciate an emotional moment. But I don’t buy any of Brandon’s crocodile tears for one single second. Sorry.

At the end of Tribal Council, Jeff asked Albert, “Does that mean the #1 topic for Tribal Council should be trust?” Might be Yes, might be No, might be Maybe…but I’ll tell you one thing for certain: The #1 topic for Tribal Council SHOULD NOT BE RUSSELL.

- In the end, it was Stacey voted out unanimously, and while Coach tried to give her a hug, Stacy snubbed him and headed over to get her torch snuffed and set up yet another Redemption (Non) Island Duel that I couldn’t care less about.

Next week: Bobbing for Pork.

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