Survivor South Pacific Recap: “The Second-Class Citizen Fights Back”

It's that time again, folks...it's the Dreaded Loved Ones Episode. Will Brandon be getting a visit from Uncle Russell? Can Cochran upset Ozzy in the Redemption (Non) Island Duel? And just how awesome is the new Sprint EVO 3D?

My Random Thoughts:

- Previously on…Survivor. A random conversation on the first night evolved into a Final Five pact between Coach, Brandon, Albert, Sophie, and some guy with a moustache I’ve never seen before. Edna was then added as the 6th, and Cochran was later added as 7th. Brandon can’t keep his mouth shut and infuriated his allies by revealing the Final 5 plan, and as Jeff ominously told us “Cochran heads to Redemption Island, and Edna has to figure out a way to stay in the game.”

- Night Vision Recap at Redemption (Non) Island: Cochran makes his 73rd “drank the Kool-Aid” reference, and says that, in retrospect, flipping wasn’t a great move because Upolu used him. Then he and Ozzy talked about whether he had a chance to win in their impending Duel, and made a ‘sort-of’ pact to vote for each other in the event one of them made the final. Did anyone else notice that as they were laying there in the shelter, even though Ozzy was on his side, and Cochran was on his back with his arms crossed, it looked like Ozzy had his arm slung over Cochran like they were snuggling?

- The next morning, Rick is toasting his sock as Brandon prepared everyone for the Te Tuna morning prayer. Edna decided this was the time to have a hissy fit, and apparently threw on her business suit in an attempt to be taken more seriously. She excused herself and went off to cry, because she was “not part of Tribe.” As the other five prayed in the smoke of the fire, Edna told us that she feels treated like a second class citizen.

She tried to talk to Coach about it, who responded by telling her that “everybody gets deceived.” She was trying to plead her case when raccoon-eye Brandon started hollering about Sprint Tree Mail. She did, however, get one final spectacular burn in, saying that she didn’t want “a nineteen-year-old high school dropout who’s advertised that he’s crazy to dictate to me the direction of my own destiny here.”

- Regular readers will know how much I hate the Dreaded Loved Ones episode, so I won’t give this all too much space, other than to say that the Sony EVO 3D looks awesome! (that’s how we’re supposed to feel after this episode, right?) Here’s the summary: Brandon says that he wants to cry before he even turns the phone on, Rick’s wife calls him “Ricky” (and since his last name is Nelson, do you think he gets asked to sing ‘Helly Mary Lou’ at karaoke?), Sophie’s Dad didn’t think she would get this far, and the EVO screen looked like the only feature it didn’t have was the ability to wipe beads of water off of the screen…or were those Brandon’s tears?

- But wait, before any of you get to see your loved ones, it’s time for the Redemption (Non) Island Duel, another rehash where you had to use a grappling hook to get 3 bags, then get a ball, and use it to solve a table maze. Sure, it was another former challenge, but in my mind, anything with grappling hooks is always awesome. Star Wars, Batman, Deadliest Catch…see what I mean?

Ozzy got his 3 bags quickly, while Cochran looked out of place throwing his hook, which was accentuated by the springing sound effects that were inserted. The rest of the Tribe was encouraging Cochran, but it looked like Ozzy was too far ahead. Then, suddenly, Cochran made a rush, and Ozzy’s ball fell through a hole and he had to start over.

It was neck and neck as they both worked their way through the maze, and even though Brandon yelled for Cochran to “take your time” at least 15 times, in the end, Ozzy pulled out a narrow win, eliminating my pick to win it all.

Cochran then gushed as he was leaving, and Jeff pumped him up talking about how he’s a new man after what he dealt with in the game. Enough with the sugar-coated goodbye speeches, bring back ‘the old torch snuff and hit the bricks.’ No offense, Cochran.

I did notice, however, that the Buff Burning Urn was unlit at the beginning of the Duel. Does anyone else find that odd? Are you telling me that after the Duel (or (Non) Duel) is over, someone comes out with a BBQ lighter and fires it up just to burn the Buff? Do the players have to wait until the fire gets hot enough? Wouldn’t it be a good twist to have the Duel be “Here’s a flint. Go light that urn?”

- Then Jeffy brought out the loved ones: Sophie’s dad Thurston (who got an order for Reese’s peanut butter cups at the airport and fresh made banana bread), Edna’s sister Debbie, Coach’s brother Pete (who I imagine has a T-shirt that says ‘Brother of the Dragon Slayer’), Rick’s wife Katie (who Rick helped himself to a double ass-grab from), Albert’s mom Annie, and Brandon’s dad Sean (who was embarrassingly introduced as 'Russell Hantz’s brother').

Actual conversation between my girlfriend Devena and I upon seeing Sean Hantz:

Devena: “He’s better looking than Russell.”
Sean: “Who isn’t?”

The twist was that only 3 of the 6 loved ones would get to visit, and as the winner of the duel, Ozzy would get to decide. He chose Albert, Coach, and Brandon, and the other 3 got the Probst send-off “I’ve got nothing for you, head back to camp.”

- So the loved ones got to visit at Redemption (Non) Island with Ozzy, where they seemingly ate all of Ozzy’s fruit, and took spiffy pictures with the EVO 3D (from Sprint!) Do you think Ozzy should have received a visit from a Loved One, too? Or since he’s on Redemption (Non) Island, is that still considered ‘out of the game’ in terms of who they bring in? Frankly, I don’t care. I hate the whole concept of the visits anyways.

Coach made a deal with Ozzy to go together to the Final Three, and he swore on it “as a Christian man.” We then learned that if Coach says “as a Christian man”, then it is an irrevocable promise. Other than that, anything he says might be total horseshit. I guess it’s his own version of Simon Says.

Then Brandon’s Dad--um, I mean, Russell’s brother—explained to Brandon that even though he is trying to be a good person and do the right thing, he still needs to understand that he is “here to do a job”, and that he needs to open his mind to potentially do other things to get to the end. Brandon says no, and then Papa Hantz plays the ‘guilt in the name of God’ card, saying that God wants him to win so that it puts their family in a good position. I think it’s safe to say that Sean Hantz won’t be winning any ‘Father of the Year’ awards anytime soon. No wonder this kid is screwed up.

I did, however, have a laugh at Brandon’s response, saying that “our lives have been planned out since we were born, bro?” Who the hell calls your dad ‘bro’????

- The Immunity challenge was painfully boring, as the 6 remaining castaways played life-size Othello on a giant Fruit Ninja-esque pineapple board. Coach won easily, but the big story was Brandon putting his foot in his mouth again, gloating after being eliminated that he did his job, not allowing Edna to win. Kind of like a sacrifice fly, huh Brandon? Except that no one ever comes back to the dugout and brags about increasing the pitcher’s ERA.

- Edna scrambled at camp, and I’m not going to get into everything that happened, because it was all wasted time, since Edna was eventually eliminated. She was making a pretty solid argument to keep her over Brandon, and I thought she was making headway, but after Brandon apologized to her, and she (correctly) branded it as insincere, she dropped this nugget: “It’s like beating your wife and then apologizing or buying her a diamond necklace.”

SCREEEECH!!

Ok, Edna…just back away from the ‘what makes a good sound bite’ textbook and repeat after me: “Domestic Violence is never a good topic to joke about.”

Edna asked for the Idol. Coach said no. Edna went to Albert. He asked if Coach was on board. She said yes. He wasn’t sure, so Edna offered to eat a piece of Coach’s feces to prove it.

Please, please, please, for the love of GOD tell me that confused you as much as it confused me.

- At Tribal Council, it was Edna vs. Brandon, and even though we were led to believe that there was a chance Edna would stay, it never happened. And after an awkward lingering hug from Coach, she went off to Redemption (Non) Island where she promptly woke up Ozzy.

Next week: Upolu Infighting and Edna Duels Ozzy.

Don't forget to listen to my guest appearance on David and Nicole's Survivor Podcast from last week, where we spent a lot of time breaking down this season, and who has a chance to win the whole thing.

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