Survivor Recap: "Come On Baby, Let's Do The Twist"

We all know that Ometepe's master plan is to get rid of the final two members of Zapatera. Would they achieve that goal this week? Let's find out.

My Random Thoughts:

- Previously on...Survivor. We open with a camera shot of an eagle/hawk, proving my theory from last week about Coach. A reminder that Andrea blindsided Matt, Phillip and Steve went at it, Julie is a shorts thief, and that Ralph and Steve's only shot to win is to “hope to find a crack in the Ometepe alliance.” I seriously hate these segments now, because it's just conditioning the viewers to think what they want us to think so that their manufactured drama can seem legit. Let's just go back to factual recaps, please.

-At camp, Steve offered the olive branch to Phillip, who appeared to accept the apology, but later referred to it as disingenuous (he didn't use that word, but that's what he meant, so I'll save you from having to interpret his Phillip-ese dialect) and self-serving. I found it very genuine, but after last week, I'm not surprised Phillip responded that way.

Rob summed up the overall Phillip picture "As long as he keeps up his stupid antics, he’ll be coming with me all the way to the final."

- As Ralph and Steve sat at camp eating what must assuredly be the last of their batch of rotten fish, the "last of the Zapatera", as they referred to themselves, wondered where 'numbnuts" was. Numbnuts of course, was Phillip, and despite their hopes that he was jumping into a hole somewhere (what is this? a grammar school playground?), he was instead off on a mission to find his missing shorts.

On a side note, I never understood why 'numbnuts' was an insult. If you have no feeling in your testicles, does that make you a bad person? Much like I never understood why "He thinks he's the cat's ass" meant someone who feels superior. If I was "the cat's ass", I sure as hell wouldn't be proud of it. I'd be more like, "Why the hell do I have to be the cat's ass?"

But back to Phillip's quest for his wayward shorts, which was prompted by a premonition he had from his grandfather yet again. Upon digging at the 2nd suspected rock, he found the shorts, and went on one of his spectacular rants, saying "don't mess with the Undercover Specialist", and (incorrectly) quoting Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, hollering "You can't STAND the truth!" (How much different would that scene have been? Honestly?)

My favourite, though, was when he declared "You can't pull the wool over the Undercover Specialist." Not over his eyes, mind you, just over the whole Undercover Specialist. Picture it, will you? Undercover Agent being completely covered over in wool? How would you explain that to your superiors?

And did he really brag about finding the shorts with "no clue, nothing"? Julie not only owned up to it at the last Tribal Council, but then told him that she buried them and put a big rock on top. Why not just draw him a map?

- At Redemption (Non) Island, Matt's faith has reached its breaking point, he's ready to give up, he's missing his family, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........

Oh, sorry, I dozed off there describing that.

Yada, yada, yada, "God wants me here." No he doesn't. Lather, rinse, repeat.

On to the (Non) Duel, which was predicated by another sugary Matt speech about how he's at peace with everything, and God loves everyone...and I've never in my life loved the gloriously dimply Jeff Probst more than when he took it all in and essentially responded with, "OK then, let's play some shuffleboard!"

Probst then told them, "This is it. One Shot", which was wholly misleading because a) they get three shots minimum with their pucks, and b) only one is eliminated, so that's two shots right there.

Random musings on the (Non) Duel: why were their names on the pucks? Was there a threat of someone running in and using their lane unexpectedly? Was it necessary to constantly use the terms 'puck' and 'end zone' together, or was that just to confuse hockey and football fans? Bible Thumper Matt was surprisingly good in a bar game. And Julie, I don't mean to be so cold, but if your house foreclosure was a story, we would have heard about it before now.

Question for you, what was the worse moment for Probst in this challenge: Option #1) Screaming GOD IS NOT DONE TALKIN' TO MATT! when he won, or Option #2) Comparing Survivor's 39 days to Jesus' 40 days? Discuss in the Comments section.

- Grant suggested Andrea as a potential candidate to vote out, partially because she was feeling guilty about Matt, and partially because she's good at puzzles. (BUT NOT AS GOOD AS DAVE!) It was an interesting bit of strategy, but I couldn't get past the fact that he was wearing pink slippers in his confessional.

- Off to the Immunity Challenge, which featured an added reward of a chocolate cake the size of a coffee table. It was an old fashioned log-roll, and with 8 players left, the math works out perfectly so that two winners squared off for Immunity. It was Grant and Ralph (and no, that's NOT what GNR stands for), and Mr. Pink Slippers (who wore them for the first two rounds, but ditched them in favour of bare feet in the Final) dropped the hairy one into the water for the win.

A number of people were thrilled about this: Steve, because if Ralph won Immunity, he was a goner for sure.  And Ralph's entire family, because had he won it, they would have had to endure countless years of hearing about how he won the "Loge Row-Linge Chalenj."

Grant chose Rob and Andrea to share in two minutes of fisting the cake and wolfing it down, despite Ralph claiming "I'm not a gay person" for some reason which I didn't catch. Andrea looked like The Joker covered in chocolate, and Grant reminds me more of Ozzy every episode.

Also, there was a mysterious package...a "Twist." More on that later.

- Ralph (describing Tribal Council): "There’s gonna be none tellin’ what happens." What was funnier, that he had to repeat it THREE times for Steve before he understood what he was saying (and I'm still not convinced he did), or that we didn't get the obligatory Ralph Subtitles until the third time?

-Steve then decided to call Phillip a nimrod. Look Steve, I get that you're frustrated with Phillip for his rant last week, but if you're going to call him names, did you not have the presence of mind to think that the first TWO names you call him shouldn't be "N-Word's". Nimrod and Numbnuts? Really?

Oh, and he tried to sway the girls, who just ran and told Rob like good concubines should.

- Tribal Council started at 8:39...a pretty good sign that something big was going to happen. Phillip was shockingly quiet, Andrea talked about her group of 6 being "rock solid", and Grant extolled the virtues of his football brethren Steve, saying "Dude played in the NFL."

For the record, 'dude' is not a pronoun. Never has been, never will be. Neither is 'buddy.'

Ralph was predictably voted out, leaving the tribe both more literate, and less hairy.

Then the twist played out, an impromptu Immunity challenge that was essentially a live game of Simon. Dave was furious at missing out on another puzzle-type challenge, Julie whispered the most obvious statement in Survivor history by saying "Steve's gotta win", and Rob won easily. (Was there even a doubt?)

Although I did believe the Andrea swerve was about to go down, Ometepe chopped off the final member of Zapatera, sending Steve to Redemption (Non) Island, before calling it a night.

And to all of you conspiracy theorists out there who will suggest that the double Zapatera elimination was cooked up to speed up the inevitable, I don't buy it. I'm sure it was planned in advance.

But I had a better idea for the "Twist." How awesome would it have been if the tile said, the three people on Redemption Island will compete RIGHT NOW, the winner is back in the game, and THEN there is an immediate vote...and the Redemption (Non) Island returnee has immunity. Am I wrong? Wouldn't that have been great?

Next Week: Ometepe has no choice but to eat their own.

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