Survivor Redemption Island: Season Finale Recap

I came in to this season quite skeptical, but after a strong start in the first three episodes, I became optimistic about how this season would go. However, after that drag race of a start, we settled into a marathon of mediocrity with an incredibly sub-par season. I won’t repeat all of the problems I had with this season, primarily the entire Redemption Island Twist, but let’s once again be thankful for Rob and Phillip for providing us with some entertainment for the past 14 weeks.

One quick note in advance of tonight’s Season Finale, and it’s a personal apology to regular reader Choirchick22, for whom I inadvertently spoiled the result of last week’s episode. In posting the link to my recap, I gave the result, which is something that I always try not to do. If you’ve read my previous post on Spoilers (and the eerie similarities to what I did last week), you’ll understand why I feel so bad about that.

On to the Season Finale...
My Random Thoughts:

- Previously on…Survivor. Rob found an Idol, Russell cried, Matt owned Redemption Island, Zapatera had no shot at camp, David is a puzzle master (ok, I added that part to remind you in case you forgot), Phillip is crazy, and Rob is trying to complete a decade-long journey to win this game. 6 minutes of crap we already knew. I hate this part only slightly less than the Fallen Comrades montage.

- Are you kidding me? After a full season of having to watch that god damn spider almost every single week, you lull me into a false sense of security by not showing it for a couple of episodes, and then you bring it back this week to open up the Season Finale??? And with FOUR different camera shots in the first two minutes? Pure evil.

- At Redemption (Non) Island, Grant talks about being ok with getting voted out, and understanding that it’s just a part of the game (how come more people don’t get this?) Andrea talks about having to compete against the three big, beefy men and how she’s the “under-underdog”…and apparently she still has to sleep on the floor, even though the angry hairy guy is gone.

As the four of them learned that their final (Non) Duel was on the horizon, they decided that they would have an Eat’N’Pray Party, which involved them cooking the remainder of the rice, and praying before the competition. I was really put off by this scene, but only because I had to listen to phrases like “Thank you for Redemption Island” and “Who knew what a treasure awaited on Redemption Island?” Give me a break! This scene was nothing but a way to try and tell all of the fans who HATED the Redemption Island twist (which was almost everyone) how awesome it was. What a joke.

- The Final Redemption (Non) Island (Non) Duel was a fantastic challenge where the players had to balance a vase on the end of a beam, and the first one we’ve seen at the Redemption Island Arena that isn’t a callback from a previous season’s challenge. I have to ask, why wasn’t this the Final Immunity challenge within the game itself? I noticed that Matt was the only one using his left leg, which made me wonder if he was left handed, and if so, does being left-handed make you “left-legged”? I’m serious, would that be true? And even if you were, what’s the strategy here, would you choose to have your stronger leg on the beam to balance the vase, or on the ground to absorb your weight? I’m not sure. Also, I don’t understand why anyone was looking at the other competitors in this challenge.

Grant was out first, followed by Matt who appeared shell-shocked to finally be eliminated from the game. He had a look on his face as if he wanted to look up to the heavens and say “Hey! Where were you on THAT one, big guy?!” Then Mike’s vase dropped, and despite her “underdog” status, Andrea was back in the game.

I loved Mike’s parting comment after he was relegated to Jury Duty: “Today’s outcome was not what I wanted.” Really? You didn’t go into this final challenge hoping that Andrea won, and you went to the Jury? You know a season is boring when these are the best sound bites you can muster.

- So the Final Five of Rob, the 3 girls, and the crazy guy headed back to camp and tried to deal with the new Tribe dynamic. I have to say, as much as I’ve hated the Redemption Island concept since it was announced, this was an interesting turn of events that I hadn’t considered: having to deal with the awkwardness of the returning player being at camp. How do you make small talk? “So…what have you been up to these last few days?” “Oh you mean since you lied to me and tried to take my shot at a million dollars away, not much…praying, sleeping, balancing a vase on a piece of wood for an hour and a half.”

Andrea lied by telling the girls that the Jury said that they would be voting for Phillip, and while I appreciate her efforts to try and stir things up, could you not have come up with a better story than “Phillip is going to win” ? Ashley started strategizing right away, trying to figure out if it was a good idea to join up with Andrea to try and oust Rob, while Natalie's response to a possible game-changing move was to say ”Let’s just focus on relaxing today and figuring it all out tomorrow.” If you read my Finale Preview post that handicapped the Final Eight players, now you'll understand why I had Ashley at 8-to-1 and Natalie at 5,000-to-1.

- At the Immunity Challenge, I immediately realized that I was wrong last week when I assumed that they had used the last of the tiles this season, since there were FIVE HUNDRED of them in this challenge. Seriously, I would love for someone to go back on these last two seasons in Nicaragua and count all of the tiles.

I initially thought the concept of the challenge was good until I saw that each bag had the numbers in numerical order. How much better would it have been to have the numbers randomly in each bag and make for a real challenge instead of just "who can count the fastest and not fall off a beam." Rob looked like a penguin hustling sidefoot along his beam, but it wasn't enough as Ashley went back-to-back in Immunity challenges and won the necklace. Must have been the bedazzled jean shorts (where the hell did those come from??), or the skills she learned in both balance and counting by being a Beauty Queen and University Basketball Player.

For the record, I don't believe for a second that challenge was as close as we were led to believe. Ashley was way out in front, and even though we saw a tight shot of an orange Tile#98 being put in place, I think that was for dramatic effect. Otherwise, I'm pretty sure we would have seen a shot of a despondent Rob and his board with 98 of 100 tiles filled in.

- Back at camp, Rob brazenly said “Sorry Andrea, you’re next” which concerned me, because up until this point he hadn't really angered the Jury. Come on Rob! Natalie and Ashley promised promises to each other, and even went so far as to pinky swear, and say "love you" to each other...to assure the other that they wouldn't vote for each other. (Survivor Rules Clarification: Pinky Swears are not, nor have they even been, binding. This is under review for Season #23.)

Phillip snitched to Rob that the girls were talking. Rob shrugged and said “Yeah thanks Phillip, welcome to Day 37”, before going off on camera about how he was considering not using the Idol at Tribal Council, the last time he would be able to use it. My girlfriend's jaw dropped when he said that, and I clarified that there was NO WAY he would ever "keep it as a souvenir", as he suggested. He's just not that stupid. Yes, he said he likes to gamble...but not with this. Not by a long shot. I didn't believe for a second that he wouldn't use it under any circumstances.

- Tribal Council #1 was once again very predictable: Philip made the Jury laugh by reminding them that he is "The Undercover Specialist", Probst tried to encourage a boys vs. girls rumble, Andrea spoke the truth and tried to influence the jury, Rob shot back that Andrea is a threat to sit beside at the end, and then used the Idol based on advice from his mother that it's "better safe than sorry." Andrea was booted, and validated what a waste Redemption Island has been. Two returnees...two immediate eliminations.

Seriously, the most entertaining thing about this Tribal Council was the new Jury Members and their Stoplight-Themed shirts. Did you catch that? On their first Tribal Council on the Jury, Mike, Matt, and Grant had on solid coloured red, yellow, and green shirts...and sat in that order! Who's the CBS costume consultant who planned that one?

I can understand why Ashley and Natalie stayed loyal to Rob at this point. The reason they were describing flipping as "risky" was because they obviously suspected he had the Idol, and was going to use it...and by voting for him or Phillip, that kills the alliance that had promised to take them to the Final Three. Made complete sense to me.

- Back at camp, Rob called his shot at winning the Final Immunity and then I braced myself for the worst part of any Survivor Season (even worse than the Loved Ones episode), the Fallen Comrades montage. But did you notice? Did you?

THERE WAS NO FALLEN COMRADES MONTAGE!!

I know I've been making fun of it all season, but this was my first indication that God actually cares about Survivor!

- Earlier in this post, I was wondering why the vase balancing wasn't the Final Immunity Challenge, and once I saw the overhead shot of the course, I understood. Wow, what a set-up. Very impressive. Rob and Ashley separated themselves from the pack, but never from each other, and sort of worked together on the final puzzle portion, which didn't make much sense to me. Probst, meanwhile, continued his weekly habit of making fun of Natalie at challenges, yelling down “Natalie being a good sport and still running around.”

Rob won the Final Immunity, as he said he would, and guaranteed himself a seat in front of the Jury. I appreciated his display of emotion, and thought it was completely genuine, and to those haters out there who will undoubtedly say it was fake and contrived (as they accused in his near passing-out at the top of the stairs two weeks ago), I say to you: "Have a heart."

Rob after winning the Final Immunity: “Whatever happens now, I’m ok. even if I don’t win, Which is ironic because the only reason I ever wanted to come back to play again was to win. But, I feel like I did my best.”

- Before the last Tribal Council, Ashley thought it was Phil, Phil thought it was Ashley, Ashley talked to Natalie, Natalie made her another promise, Rob told Natalie to vote for Ashley, and Natalie wasn't sure if she wanted to. Did you catch all that?

It was at this point that I said to myself: "Holy shit, this is a carbon copy of the very first season!" I know I've already made comparisons with Ometepe and Pagong in that sense but think about this: in season #1, you had Richard, Rudy, Sue, and Kelly as the Final Four, and Kelly promising Sue she wouldn't vote her out, before actually doing it. In Season #22, you had Rob, Phillip, Ashley, and Natalie, and the exact same thing happened. I was fully expecting a rat/snake/dying of thirst speech from Ashley at the Final Tribal Council.

- Tribal Council #2 was the 10th predictable Tribal in a row, and Ashley joined the jury. That is honestly all I'm going to say about it.

- Now that the Final Three was set in stone, Phillip reflected once again on his great-grandfather, his place in the game, and then "celebrated" with Rob and Natalie in some sort of awkward three-person handshake that Rob and Natalie looked completely disinterested in. He then went on to explain that his strategy was to explain to the Jury why they are over there, and he is still in the game, and to rub salt in their wounds. Wow...there goes my "Phillip was acting the whole time" theory.

- The traditional breakfast feast of sausage and burnt pancakes was replaced by mimosas and sandwiches, before we got one final blurred crotch shot of Phillip in the river (my eyes!). Then, Phillip made his best move of the game, approaching the other two in front of the fire with those horrible pink briefs in his hand.

"I knew my manhood was not reflected in the briefs that I wear", he told them. For the LOVE OF GOD, Phillip...did you really have to use the word "manhood" there? You couldn't have said "dignity" or "character"...it had to be "manhood"???? Regular readers will know that I've never been a fan of the tradition of burning things (like the entire camp) before the Final Tribal Council, but I heartily appreciated those tighty pinkies making their way into the fire.

- I was originally going to break down the Final Tribal Council, but it was so repetitive and largely uneventful, that I'm just going to give an overview with some highlights.  Essentially, Natalie rode Rob's coat-tails the whole way, Phillip was antagonistic, and Rob smoothly answered every question. Natalie's opening statement and overall responses were so bad, even Amanda Kimmel was watching and saying "Wow, she's doing BAD!)

Andrea thinks Phillip is weird, and Natalie is creepy, Ashley was less venomous than I expected, but doesn't like Rob, Grant was thought-provoking, Ralph looked like a hairy Jason Mraz in that panama hat, and questioned Phillip's number of feathers (???)

Matt called Rob a duplicitous, deceiving, liar, which Rob astutely pointed out is a huge part of the game. I credit Rob for not following it up with "That's why I'm here and you had to compete in TWELVE Redemption Island Duels." Matt then said that the Jury has a tough time understanding who Rob is, which leads me to believe none of them have ever watched Survivor before...or The Amazing Race...or the half-dozen other reality shows Rob has been a part of. Seriously, he's the John Lithgow of Reality TV. (You watch how many times you encounter John Lithgow this week now that I've mentioned that.)

Julie tried to take jabs from a parenting point of view, and Steve called Phillip shameful and sorry before commending Natalie for being 19 years old. I nearly fell asleep typing that sentence, so let's move on.

Mike said that he felt closer to God, made some friends, and found some inner peace. That's cool, but I'll take the million if I'm still in the running. No offense to Mike, and I truly appreciated that sentiment from a player that I genuinely liked all season, but if that's what he took out of Survivor, then maybe a church retreat would have been a better idea.

Then, my good friend Puzzle Master Dave spoke directly to the Jury, emploring them to do the only logical thing and vote for Rob. He "controlled your minds, controlled your thoughts", and was "ruthless but brilliant." Did you catch the music as he was speaking? Like we were all walking through a haunted house together, huh? He was right in his assessment that Rob's game was the best strategic game ever played.

David Murphy, you are my hero.

I'm not even joking. If you're reading this, I make this promise to you: I will buy you any puzzle or game you want, based on that speech. I'm totally serious. Email me and we'll set it up. Jenga, Puzz 3-D, Rubik's Magic...you name it.

Was there any doubt Rob was going to win after watching that Jury questioning? And let's be honest, with the way that Phillip and Natalie responded to the Jury's questions, Rob probably could have taken his Buff off and gagged himself and still won the million. If he hadn't wrapped it up before, they certainly sealed the deal for him. Yes, "Phile" got a single vote, but the best player ever finally did it...and took home the million.
Congratulations "Boston" Rob Mariano. Never has a Survivor winner been more deserving.

Random Thoughts on the Reunion Show

- Probst looks wrong in a black shirt, Ralph looks like he's auditioning for ZZ Top, Grant looked like he was auditioning for Fiddler on the Roof, Ashley appeared to be wearing dreamcatchers for earrings, and Matt continued to follow the path of Fabio by chopping off all of his hair for the Finale. Missed opportunity, Matt...with Thor killing at the box office right now, think of the money you could have made on the streets of NYC taking pictures with tourists.

- I told you they knew Rob had the Idol! I knew it! That's why the non-flip made sense.

- "What you’re thinking right now is “What is Phillip really thinking?” " Well done, Phillip. Glad to hear that your Former Special Agent status is now confirmed. I give Phillip a lot of credit for being the bigger man and apologizing to Steve, despite Steve's pathetic speech at the Final Tribal Council.

- “That’s as close to a perfect game as anyone has ever played on Survivor.” Truer words were never spoken by the King of the Blue Shirts.

- Matt: “I started the game deciding that I was going to blindly follow my heart.” Perhaps the worst Survivor strategy ever.

- I was surprised to see how stung Grant was by Rob's actions. Hopefully that can be repaired.

- Russell got a total of 2:57 on the show (yes, I timed it). How awesome was that? And about two minutes of it was bitterly complaining about Steve.

- Sprint Player of the season: Boston Rob. Very easy choice. It could only be him or Matt...there shouldn't have even been other options.

- I love how Probst missed the entire back row except for Russell. How pissed do you think Francesca, Krista, Kristina, Sarita, and Stephanie are?

- David is now doing puzzles with Carolina from Tocantins. How many of you thought she was going to say no when she said "Shut it Down"? I love how Amber was right in between them on the proposal shot, and I kept waiting for Rob to yell down from the Stage. "Hey David, I did that better, too!"

- I can't even begin to tell you how disheartened and disappointed I am that Survivor South Pacific (Season 23) will see the return of Redemption Island. So disappointing. But I'm going to give you my predictions now on who I think the two returning players will be...

Phillip and Coach.

Throughout the summer I will be recapping Big Brother, as well as writing a number of non-TV related posts. With almost 600 posts here, I’m sure you can find something you want to read. Please feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. I’m glad you found me, I hope you’ll stick around.

Remember that you can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all new posts as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined. I’d love to have your thoughts on the Finale.

Thanks for reading this season. See you in the Fall for Season 23!

Survivor Redemption Island: Season Finale Recap, May 15, 2011

What I’m planning to do for tonight's Season Finale of Survivor Redemption Island is to watch the 2-hour Finale as it happens, and then once the winner is announced, work on my recap so that it is up within an hour of the show ending, as it usually is. So, if it all works out, it will be up right around the time the Reunion Show is ending.

Make sure you bookmark and come back then, because I’m hoping it will be up…and if it’s not, it will be posted shortly after. Then, after it’s posted, I’m going to go back and watch the Reunion Show, and write an addendum on the end of the recap afterwards.

UPDATE : POST IS UP - CLICK HERE TO READ IT.

Survivor Finale Preview: Handicapping The Final 8 Players

Survivor Redemption Island comes to a close this weekend with Sunday Night's Season Finale, so let's take a look at the eight remaining players that have a shot at the million (I still can't believe there are 8! Please let Redemption Island be a one-season occurance).

Below you will find my thoughts on each of the remaining players, and their odds of winning. (in no particular order)

Mike Chiesl

Mike has been a pretty solid competitor this season, especially after his arrival at Redemption Island. I have to wonder what he could have done in this game had he not been one of the Zapatera tribe members who orchestrated the thrown challenge to get rid of Russell. While I agree with the logic of getting rid of Russell, that could have been done at any time, and this season proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that throwing a challenge in Survivor is never a good idea.

Mike has been very strong in the Redemption Island Duels, and I can see him coming out of Redemption Island to re-enter the game. Making it to the Final Tribal Council, however, is another story. If he can be sitting in front of the Jury at the Final Tribal Council, then regardless of who he's sitting beside, he will win hands down.

Odds of winning: 4 to 1

Andrea Boehlke

After Matt was voted out early to break up the Matt/Andrea alliance, I didn't see her lasting much further in the game, but here we are at the Finale with her still in the running at Redemption Island. I thought the blindside of Matt would affect her loyalty to Rob and her Ometepe alliance, but they all stayed strong until the Final 6, when she was the first to go. If she's on the jury, will she vote for Rob, or will she vote for anyone BUT Rob because of that? Even though I jokingly compared her to a Na'vi from Avatar earlier this season, I liked Andrea...but I don't think there's any way she can win.

Odds of winning: 25 to 1

Grant Mattos

All season long I've been comparing Grant to Ozzy Lusth from Survivor Cook Islands (and Fans vs. Favorites), in terms of his physical ability, demeanor, and overall social game. If he can win his way back from Redemption Island, you can surely bet he won't be aligning with Rob again after being voted out last week. Even though I've had trouble getting past the pink slippers, if he's sitting in the Final Tribal Council with anyone other than Rob, he can win. If he's there with Rob, it's still possible, but his biggest hurdle is winning his way back in. Also, can someone please explain the pink slippers to me? All season long, and I've never understood why he has been wearing them?

Odds of winning: 4 to 1

Phillip Sheppard

The Former Special Agent. A charter member of 'Stealth R Us'. 'Shep.' Whatever you want to call him, you need to call him the saviour of this season. Without Phillip on your TV for the past 13 weeks, this may have been the worst season in Survivor history (and I say that as a HUGE fan of Boston Rob). The king of the tighty-pinkies has hinted to us that his crazy act is all a ruse. Personally, I don't buy it...but I also can't rule it out either. If he can be sitting on the Final Tribal Council and reveal to everyone that he's a businessman or something, and the crazy act was all for show, and that he is a well-spoken individual who had a plan to get to the end all along, then he will singlehandedly vault this season into one of the BEST ones of all time. That...and you can give him the million. Otherwise, I don't think he has a shot.

Odds of winning:  (Phillip is Phillip)     100 to 1
                                   (Phillip was acting)  Even Money

Natalie Tenerelli

Natalie was, without a doubt, the Purple Kelly of this season...barely saying anything of significance (or anything at all) until the last few episodes. With the edit that she's been given on this season, I can't see her sitting on the Final Tribal Council at all, much less having a shot to win. Remember last season when nobody could believe we were watching Mafia Dan in the Finale...this is pretty much the same thing. A likable girl who I don't really have anything bad to say about, but she has no shot of winning.

Odds of winning: 5,000 to 1

Ashley Underwood

Ashley wasn't strong, and wasn't weak. She was smart to align herself with Rob because she knew it could get her to the end. She's not there yet, but she could be. I don't see a jury giving her the million dollars unless she's sitting there beside Natalie and Phillip, at which point she could be seen as the most deserving. For the record, if that ends up being the Final Three, God help us all.

Odds of winning: 8 to 1

Matt Elrod

Isn't it crazy that a guy that was eliminated on Day 5 is still in the running? Actually, make that "a guy who was eliminated on Day 5, returned to the game, and was eliminated AGAIN" is still in the running? Don't get me wrong, I really like Matt, and I think the run he went on at Redemption Island was damn impressive, but I still maintain that it was a ridiculous element of the game that allowed him to survive so long. I don't think it was divine inspiration, I think Matt is just one hell of a competitor.

Part of me wants Matt to win, if only for the reason that the first time they tried Redemption Island, if someone runs the table wire-to-wire, then you can never really trump that, and there would be no reason for it to ever make a return. Also, if Matt makes it to the end and can be sitting at the Final Tribal Council, how can you not give him the money? Even if he's sitting beside Rob, who had arguably the best season any Survivor Contestant has ever had? The question is whether Matt can actually return from Redemption Island...he's been taking a back seat to Mike since he got there, and now with Grant in the mix, it won't be easy.

Odds of Winning:         7 to 2
(if God is on the Jury) 1 to 3

"Boston Rob" Mariano

Yes, I'm a Rob fan, and yes, I think he deserves to win this season. No one has come close to him in terms of strategy and performance. If it's Outwit, Outlast, Outplay...he's done that in every way possible. Plus, he still has an Immunity Idol that he can presumably use for at least one more Tribal Council, and he's pretty much always the favourite going into any Immunity challenge, so how can you not pencil him in for the Final Three?

The only question is whether we will see a bitter jury that votes on their anger over being eliminated over truly assessing who played the best game. Rob was screwed in All-Stars by a bitter jury, just as Russell was in both of his seasons. Will this jury be as bitter?

I don't think so.

The beauty of Rob's game this time was that he got everyone out without being a total douchebag, which is what he and Russell both failed to accomplish in the past. I think he'll be able to convince the jury he (rightfully) deserves the million dollars and the title that he's been working a decade to try and win.

Odds of winning: 2 to 1

One note about this Sunday’s Season Finale. What I’m planning to do is to watch the 2-hour Finale as it happens, and then once the winner is announced, work on my recap so that it is up within an hour of the show ending, as it usually is. So, if it all works out, it will be up right around the time the Reunion Show is ending.

Make sure you bookmark and come back then, because I’m hoping it will be up…and if it’s not, it will be posted shortly after. Then, after it’s posted, I’m going to go back and watch the Reunion Show, and write an addendum on the end of the recap afterwards.

Survivor Fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Survivor Recap: "One Man Should Not Have This Much Power In This Game"

 

I’ve been hearing a lot of people talk about how bad this season is, either because of the dominance of Boston Rob, or the predictability of pretty much everything after the first three episodes, or Redemption Island as a whole. I’ll agree that this definitely hasn’t been the best season, but let me ask you this: without Rob or Phillip on your screen this season, how boring would it have been then?

On to tonight’s episode, the final show before Sunday’s Season Finale…

My Random Thoughts:

- Previously on..Survivor. Ometepe was forced to turn on each other after Zapatera was completely eliminated, Phillip claims to be faking his crazy ways to portray "the villain" (yeah, right!), and Andrea was blindsided at the last Tribal Council.

Meanwhile, the Night Vision recap told us that Ashley just loves blindsides, and that she thinks that she and Natalie are BFF. Natalie is weary of her and that perception, and runs to tell Rob. Rob says that he has control (which he does), but that now he needs to make sure that he keeps control.

- At Redemption (Non) Island, Andrea snubs Matt upon arrival to go hug Ralph (???), which brings up a conversation between her and Matt about angry looks and puppy-dog eyes, and who is wishy-washy, and who is throwing each other under the bus. Andrea gave off one of those time-tested tells that someone is incredibly awkward or flustered, by talking extremely fast. So fast that I could barely understand her. I thought I was watching a Micro Machines commercial.

Ralph then decided that it was time for payback for Andrea for the Ometepe/Zapatera division at camp, and made her sleep on the floor instead of sharing part of the shelter with her. His revenge on her came with a side description of what happened to her at camp: “Rob was using you like toilet paper.” I bet she wasn't so happy now that she went to him for that first hug.

- At the Redemption (Non) Island (Non) Duel, Jeff asked Andrea how it felt to be blindsided, and she got all weepy answering his question. Rob looked directly at her as he faced the music listening to what she said, while Ashley sat in the back row looking down and cleaning her nails. Perhaps a sign of things to come if those two were to both make it to the Final Tribal Council?

The challenge itself was a two-part puzzle, complete with a tile to smash in between stages. (Burnett must have had 4 tiles left) I enjoyed the challenge mostly because Probst's commentary included him hollering “Don’t panic. Just lift it. Let it hover in there!”, which is a perfect "That's what she said!" set-up. Thanks Johnny Blue Shirt.

Ralph finished the first part of the (Non) Duel first, but when it came down to the second part, a big jigsaw puzzle, how many of you thought he had a shot? It was embarrassing how far behind he was at the end after being so far ahead. I have to think that he got confused because the puzzle had words, and he was confused by the correct spelling of words like Redemption and Island. "Wait a minute, that's not how you spell 'Daisies'...why won't this gosh darn piece fit here!?"

Ralph lost, of course, and headed off to join the jury. As Jeff so eloquently put it, "That blows.”

On the way out of the (Non) Duel, Rob said what I've been feeling all along, and even more so this past week: "I want Redemption Island to be over and done with so it’s not a factor anymore." How on Earth are we going to the Finale with 4 people still on Redemption Island? It's absurd to me that we now have equal people in the game and on Redemption Island...and one episode left.

- I don't recall seeing that crocodile in the animal shots this season, do you? Crocodiles are cool, and sometimes they're pretty funny too.

- Back at camp, everyone was talking about how hungry they were and how much rice they should ration for the last few days. Since they couldn't come to an agreement on it, they apparently just decided to build a giant fire. Seriously...did you see that? The flames were huge, and the camp was filled with smoke!

Phillip then put on his dietician/nutritionist hat and explained to the girls that because they only need 1700 calories vs the 3600 that Grant and the men would need, they should consider smaller portions. This led to a big argument between the "well-read" Phillip and the girls, which included him saying “I don’t give a f’what you are.” Phillip, if you want to swear, just swear...stop sounding like an idiot. Ashley, meanwhile only fanned the flames (of the argument, not the giant fire) by being sarcastic and antagonistic, going so far as to tell Phillip that they don't argue with Grant and Rob "because they’re normal”, before she and Natalie ran off, calling Phillip a Psycho.

Rob approached Natalie after the blow-up with Phillip, telling her “Don’t be scared, all you have to do is just what I say” before laying out his plan to vote out Ashley, which he attributed to Grant. That was an interesting comment by Rob, don't you think? Because it didn't just describe this scenario, it described his entire game play so far this season.

Natalie was understandably skeptical, but Rob layed the onus of the idea on Grant. Ashley then decided that it was time for her to try and broker a big move by ousting Grant and went to tell Rob. Her logic was that Grant need to go to Redemption (Non) Island so that only one of Grant, Mike, and Matt came back instead of two physical threats. Not a bad logical argument, but in essence, wasn't she saying "we girls are weak. Don't let the big strong men come back and beat us"? That's what it sounded like to me, which seemed pretty lame after you just blasted Phillip for his calorie comments.

The beautiful thing coming out of this situation was that Rob now had Ashley and Grant both trying to get the other one out, and in each situation, the other one was the supposed "mastermind" behind the plan. Rob is safe, and Rob's hands are clean.Classic Divide and Conquer strategy. Brilliant.

- Two quick thoughts on this episode: 1) Is it just me or did this week's episode have a real "high-school" feel to it? First Ashley and Natalie are BFF, then Ralph makes Andrea sleep on the floor, then Phillip and the girls get into a ridiculous argument...it all seemed so juvenile, and 2) If everybody is constantly telling everybody else that they are safe, can't you do the math and realize that someone isn't? Is Rob the only one that understands this?

- As the three men are walking for this week's tree-mail, we hear "Stealth R Us in effect", which seems like it should be the title of a breakdancing movie from the early 80s, not an End-Game plan on Survivor.

- As Natalie and Rob were discussing their voting options alone, there was a distinct difference in their respective demeanor and body language. Did you notice that Natalie was sitting nervously by the fire (which again was out of control), and Rob was swinging carelessly on a swing laying it all out for her? And when Ashley came up, he just seamlessly transitioned into a conversation about brownies and caramel sauce. Man, he's smooth. Of course he scored another golden sound bite for this episode, talking about potentially voting Ashley out at Tribal Council: “After 35 days of having this pain in my ass, I think I’m gonna have some relief tonight.”

- The Immunity Challenge was an interesting task where teams had to use hooks to gather bags of puzzle pieces, before assembling a fish-skeleton puzzle...all while portraying the drummer from Def Leppard. (click it if you don't get the joke.)

Before anyone gets their buns in a knot asking "Why didn't they just pick up the bag with the first hook?", I'm sure it was explained to them that they had to use all the hooks at each stage, but we didn't see Probst explain that on the episode. The challenge itself was pretty close, with everyone in it at some point, except for Natalie, who Probst was visibly disappointed in, going so far as to scold her repeatedly and say “might as well sit down and watch.” Is there anything worse than being brow-beaten by a well-fed, well-rested Blue Shirt Probst in a situation like this when you're starving and cranky?

Ashley won the challenge, and the accompanying reward, which was a Room Service Feast at camp. She got to choose one other person to share the reward with, and even though Jeff said it was a HUGE decision, it was obvious she would pick Natalie. Quick question though, why did Probst tell them to "be kind to your waiter?"  Was it because they had no cash to tip him? Maybe he thought they would be rude for some reason? Seemed odd.

After the Room Service arrived and the girls were chowing down on their feast, Natalie declared "I'm speechless." Look, saying that you're speechless negates the...speechless-ness of the whole thing. Kind of like asking for the Heimlich manoeuver. If you can ask for it, you're not really choking.

The aftermath of the feast reminded me of that scene in Survivor Africa when Ethan and Lex got sick after eating a giant plate of French Fries. The girls were in extreme discomfort...and Natalie decided to get on her hands and knees with her ass in the air. Last week, she was cupping her own ass with her mom, and now this? What is going on with this girl?

- After Ashley won Immunity, it was a whirlwind of activity as everyone scrambled for position before Tribal Council. Rob spoke directly to post-Survivor Grant in his confessional, declaring that he didn't want to vote him out this way. He agreed to "play the bad guy” because, as he put it, everyone else was too stupid.

Grant and Rob's chat on the beach ended with high-fives and handshakes and Grant muttering "blindside" over and over again. Even though he playfully shadow-boxed with Rob while Ashley smelled Natalie's armpits (Yes, you read that right...I still don't get it), things weren't looking good for Grant.

- Tribal Council was uneventful. Rob and Grant both love their wives (and you can understand why, check out Grant's wife Christina Cox), and the girls are becoming closer. Rob decided to once again keep the Idol, which I think is a great move, because once the Redemption (Non) Island winner returns to the game, that's someone who can be allied against him, and if he is able to save it until then, it'll likely be necessary at that point.

Grant didn't seem that shocked to be voted out. Either that or he just held it in very well. He simply made a beeline for the exit and said “see you guys shortly”, which seemed to indicate he was confident he would be returning from Redemption (Non) Island.

This Sunday: Three Tribal Councils, One Duel, and the Winner is crowned

One note about this Sunday’s Season Finale. What I’m planning to do is to watch the 2-hour Finale as it happens, and then once the winner is announced, work on my recap so that it is up within an hour of the show ending, as it usually is. So, if it all works out, it will be up right around the time the Reunion Show is ending.

Make sure you bookmark and come back then, because I’m hoping it will be up…and if it’s not, it will be posted shortly after. Then, after it’s posted, I’m going to go back and watch the Reunion Show, and write an addendum on the end of the recap afterwards.

Survivor Fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Thanks for reading.

Survivor Recap: "The Dreaded Loved Ones Episode"

With only 3 episodes remaining, I knew that the Dreaded Loved Ones extravaganza was just around the corner, so I had my puke bucket nearby for tonight’s episode, while my girlfriend had a box of Kleenex on her lap. Talk about juxtaposition, huh?

Will Boston Rob get to see Amber? What’s the new phone that Jeff will be pimping? And is tonight the night that this horrible Redemption Island twist ends for good?

My Random Thoughts:

- Previously on…Survivor. A reminder that Ometepe has been winning everything, and a stern proclamation from Voice-Over Jeff that they were able to “stick together from the beginning and decimate an entire tribe.” This was described in a way as if it was a totally foreign concept instead of something that Pagong did in the very first season. I’ve been saying for years that this is the way to win the game, and the template was set out in perfect order 22 seasons ago. I’m still amazed that it’s taken this long for another tribe to actually stick with it instead of turning on each other early.

- At Redemption (Non) Island, Ralph joined Mike and Matt and talked about what had been happening at camp. Right after he talked about Steve losing 40 pounds, in a perfect City Slickers “He’s Behind Me Isn’t He?” moment, Steve arrived after last week’s impromptu vote-out, and the Zapatera reunion (with a side of Matt) was complete.

- When Natalie started crying “hormone tears” (???) back at camp after Tribal Council, if you hadn’t already been tipped off by this week’s previews that this was going to be the Loved Ones episode, you better have figured it out at this point when she started talking about how much she missed her family.

- With only Ometepe members left (aside from the Redemption (Non) Island candidates), Rob analyzed the overall picture perfectly when he said “as long as they don’t start talking to each other and realize that I’m the one that should be going…I’ll be all set.” Considering he still has an Idol in his possession, I think it’s a pretty accurate statement.

- Tree Mail! A Sprint Phone! What could this possibly mean??? Yes, of course it was the videos of the loved ones giving all of the same sentiments we've seen for 22 seasons, like "I miss you", "We're proud of you", and “I can’t wait to see you.”

Listen, if you're one of the contestants and you're watching these videos and you don't know that the people you're watching are going to be at the next challenge, I submit that you're missing a chromosome or two. I have to think at this point, it's so obvious, that the CBS editors are essentially just cutting out footage of all of them jumping up and down, yelling "They're here! They're here!" in the interest of keeping up the fake surprise.

A couple of thoughts: 1) Is Grant's "loved one" really his brother-in-law? I can buy that, but the fact that he didn't say "brother-in-law", and instead said "my sister's husband" led me to believe that no one wanted to come to Nicaragua to see Grant. 2) Ralph's loved one was a "buddy", who  gave him the apparently crucial news that "the cows are great. A couple of the chickens got killed, though.” 3) At the point Matt was ready to see his video, my girlfriend turned to me and said "It's going to be God"...and I was laughing so hard I had to pause the show.

- The Redemption (Non) Island Duel was...you guessed it...a tile-breaking challenge. Picture it, Mark Burnett off in a trailer somewhere: "We're leaving Nicaragua in 7 days, use the rest of those damn tiles. I'm not paying to ship them back to the U.S!"

I liked that the prize of winning time with your loved one was only awarded AFTER the challenge, but I hated that this wasn't the end of the Redemption (Non) Island twist. On the 3rd last episode of the season, you're telling me that someone who was voted out can finish THIRD in this challenge and still be in the game? I will once again re-iterate that this is the Worst Twist Ever...even worse than the Castaways.

Mike won the challenge and was given the choice of time with his mom, awarding Matt and Ralph time with their Loved Ones, or giving it up for all 6 Ometepe members. Somewhere, Monty Hall was yelling at his TV, "Take curtain #3!" He made the selfless choice to give it up for Ometepe, which I believed was a genuine decision and not wholly strategic, even if Ralph was later furious not to be able to spend time with his buddy. And if your Loved One is categorized as your "buddy", maybe you should be giving it up for someone else anyways.

I thought that for making the selfless choice, Mike was going to be able to get to spend time with his mother anyways, but I was wrong. And to those of you wondering why AMBUH wasn't there for Boston Rob, I think that this was filmed while she was pregnant with the latest Baby Mariano. I'm pretty sure flying to Nicaragua in your third trimester is frowned upon.

And Steve got sent to the Jury. I know you don't care. Just sayin'...

- God took a break from giving Matt guidance and telling Mike the right decision to make, and took a side trip to visit Natalie's mom, who asked him to look over Natalie. Someone get the Big Guy a Survivor T-Shirt or something, he has been busy this season! Natalie responded by showing her mom how firm her ass was. Did you see that, while Rob was talking to his sister, we saw Natalie grab a handful of her own ass? Why was that?

Boston Rob waxed poetic about how he was working so hard to win so that he could make a better life for his wife and children. He was emotional, but let's call a spade a spade here. I love Boston Rob, and I'm 100% rooting for him to win this season, but he and Amber already have 1.1 Million Dollars from this show, along with the 37 other Reality shows he's been on (and he's hosting a new show on the Travel Channel!)...just be honest. You want to win Survivor. Don't quote the money.

- The Loved Ones got off easy in this episode: they didn't have to compete in a challenge, they didn't have to do any work around camp, they didn't have to endure a sleepover. Just a quick little afternoon visit.

- The Immunity Challenge was imposing and impressive...and as much as I hate the rainbows and unicorns of the Loved Ones episode, I thought it was great that they did the visit from home right before what was clearly the most difficult challenge. I can't imagine how that could have been any more exhausting, especially considering how many times you had to go up and down the stairs (18 times, if you didn't make any mistakes!). Jeff made the comment of the night, referring to Rob's new T-shirt, "he is literally carrying his family on his back."

Watching Rob struggle up those stairs at the end, and summon enough energy and strength to win Immunity...well, to me, that was more emotional than watching the Loved Ones arrive. Especially after watching him nearly pass out after winning (remember that similar moment in Heroes vs. Villains when he passed out?)

With the Immunity win, Rob guarantees that you'll see him in the Finale on Sunday night, May 15th. He can use the Idol at the next Tribal Council and be sitting in the Final Five (which is where the Finale will start).

- The Giant Hairy Spider is back, and now it's crawling into a SHOE??? Great...now I'll have to turn all of my shoes upside down and shake them for the next month.

- Phillip had a mini-meltdown over tangled nets and wasps, and then tried to tell us that he had to ramp up the crazy, because his whole persona has been an act so far? Do you think he's telling the truth? I don't...but I can't rule it out. It sure would make a fantastic Final Tribal Council though. Is Rob really suspicious of this, or was it just a good sound bite? Also, if you're going to kill a wasp at camp, why are you using one of your only pillows?

- Tribal Council was relatively uneventful with no one for Phillip to argue with now that they are all over on the Jury Bench...or as I'm not calling it, Zapatera Row (why don't they just paint it purple?)  Natalie finally talked enough for me to know what her voice sounds like, Phillip argued with Jeff while Jeff was trying to make a case for him to stay longer, and then we got another nugget of wisdom from the Former Special Agent's grandfather, which boiled down to 'Hold The Faith'. Wasn't that in Field of Dreams?

Jeff gave the speech about the Hidden Immunity Idol, and Rob obviously didn't use it since he had won the Immunity necklace, but I have to think that the rest of Ometepe knows that Rob has the Idol. Think about it...they know that there was one, and it hasn't been used, so it's still in someone's pocket. It only makes sense that once it was down to the 6 of them, it would be used at the next Tribal Council since it probably is only good for one more TC, and who knows what could happen in this one? Since it wasn't used by any of the other 5...then Rob must have it.

After Andrea got voted out, Dave told Steve and Julie "she got blindsided", proving once again, that aside from being the greatest puzzle solver EVER, he is also a master of reporting the blatantly obvious.

- OK, here's what's pissing me off the most about Redemption Island. There are now 5 players left in the game, and 4 on Redemption Island. They have to insert the Final player back into the game in the next episode, I would think. What that means, is that on the second last episode, 4 out of the remaining 9 players will be eliminated in one episode. How can you tell me that this is anything but a horrible twist? Man, I hope that Redemption Island never returns.

Next week: The Penultimate episode before the May 15th Finale.

Survivor Fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Thanks for reading.

Survivor Recap: "Come On Baby, Let's Do The Twist"

We all know that Ometepe's master plan is to get rid of the final two members of Zapatera. Would they achieve that goal this week? Let's find out.

My Random Thoughts:

- Previously on...Survivor. We open with a camera shot of an eagle/hawk, proving my theory from last week about Coach. A reminder that Andrea blindsided Matt, Phillip and Steve went at it, Julie is a shorts thief, and that Ralph and Steve's only shot to win is to “hope to find a crack in the Ometepe alliance.” I seriously hate these segments now, because it's just conditioning the viewers to think what they want us to think so that their manufactured drama can seem legit. Let's just go back to factual recaps, please.

-At camp, Steve offered the olive branch to Phillip, who appeared to accept the apology, but later referred to it as disingenuous (he didn't use that word, but that's what he meant, so I'll save you from having to interpret his Phillip-ese dialect) and self-serving. I found it very genuine, but after last week, I'm not surprised Phillip responded that way.

Rob summed up the overall Phillip picture "As long as he keeps up his stupid antics, he’ll be coming with me all the way to the final."

- As Ralph and Steve sat at camp eating what must assuredly be the last of their batch of rotten fish, the "last of the Zapatera", as they referred to themselves, wondered where 'numbnuts" was. Numbnuts of course, was Phillip, and despite their hopes that he was jumping into a hole somewhere (what is this? a grammar school playground?), he was instead off on a mission to find his missing shorts.

On a side note, I never understood why 'numbnuts' was an insult. If you have no feeling in your testicles, does that make you a bad person? Much like I never understood why "He thinks he's the cat's ass" meant someone who feels superior. If I was "the cat's ass", I sure as hell wouldn't be proud of it. I'd be more like, "Why the hell do I have to be the cat's ass?"

But back to Phillip's quest for his wayward shorts, which was prompted by a premonition he had from his grandfather yet again. Upon digging at the 2nd suspected rock, he found the shorts, and went on one of his spectacular rants, saying "don't mess with the Undercover Specialist", and (incorrectly) quoting Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men, hollering "You can't STAND the truth!" (How much different would that scene have been? Honestly?)

My favourite, though, was when he declared "You can't pull the wool over the Undercover Specialist." Not over his eyes, mind you, just over the whole Undercover Specialist. Picture it, will you? Undercover Agent being completely covered over in wool? How would you explain that to your superiors?

And did he really brag about finding the shorts with "no clue, nothing"? Julie not only owned up to it at the last Tribal Council, but then told him that she buried them and put a big rock on top. Why not just draw him a map?

- At Redemption (Non) Island, Matt's faith has reached its breaking point, he's ready to give up, he's missing his family, and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........

Oh, sorry, I dozed off there describing that.

Yada, yada, yada, "God wants me here." No he doesn't. Lather, rinse, repeat.

On to the (Non) Duel, which was predicated by another sugary Matt speech about how he's at peace with everything, and God loves everyone...and I've never in my life loved the gloriously dimply Jeff Probst more than when he took it all in and essentially responded with, "OK then, let's play some shuffleboard!"

Probst then told them, "This is it. One Shot", which was wholly misleading because a) they get three shots minimum with their pucks, and b) only one is eliminated, so that's two shots right there.

Random musings on the (Non) Duel: why were their names on the pucks? Was there a threat of someone running in and using their lane unexpectedly? Was it necessary to constantly use the terms 'puck' and 'end zone' together, or was that just to confuse hockey and football fans? Bible Thumper Matt was surprisingly good in a bar game. And Julie, I don't mean to be so cold, but if your house foreclosure was a story, we would have heard about it before now.

Question for you, what was the worse moment for Probst in this challenge: Option #1) Screaming GOD IS NOT DONE TALKIN' TO MATT! when he won, or Option #2) Comparing Survivor's 39 days to Jesus' 40 days? Discuss in the Comments section.

- Grant suggested Andrea as a potential candidate to vote out, partially because she was feeling guilty about Matt, and partially because she's good at puzzles. (BUT NOT AS GOOD AS DAVE!) It was an interesting bit of strategy, but I couldn't get past the fact that he was wearing pink slippers in his confessional.

- Off to the Immunity Challenge, which featured an added reward of a chocolate cake the size of a coffee table. It was an old fashioned log-roll, and with 8 players left, the math works out perfectly so that two winners squared off for Immunity. It was Grant and Ralph (and no, that's NOT what GNR stands for), and Mr. Pink Slippers (who wore them for the first two rounds, but ditched them in favour of bare feet in the Final) dropped the hairy one into the water for the win.

A number of people were thrilled about this: Steve, because if Ralph won Immunity, he was a goner for sure.  And Ralph's entire family, because had he won it, they would have had to endure countless years of hearing about how he won the "Loge Row-Linge Chalenj."

Grant chose Rob and Andrea to share in two minutes of fisting the cake and wolfing it down, despite Ralph claiming "I'm not a gay person" for some reason which I didn't catch. Andrea looked like The Joker covered in chocolate, and Grant reminds me more of Ozzy every episode.

Also, there was a mysterious package...a "Twist." More on that later.

- Ralph (describing Tribal Council): "There’s gonna be none tellin’ what happens." What was funnier, that he had to repeat it THREE times for Steve before he understood what he was saying (and I'm still not convinced he did), or that we didn't get the obligatory Ralph Subtitles until the third time?

-Steve then decided to call Phillip a nimrod. Look Steve, I get that you're frustrated with Phillip for his rant last week, but if you're going to call him names, did you not have the presence of mind to think that the first TWO names you call him shouldn't be "N-Word's". Nimrod and Numbnuts? Really?

Oh, and he tried to sway the girls, who just ran and told Rob like good concubines should.

- Tribal Council started at 8:39...a pretty good sign that something big was going to happen. Phillip was shockingly quiet, Andrea talked about her group of 6 being "rock solid", and Grant extolled the virtues of his football brethren Steve, saying "Dude played in the NFL."

For the record, 'dude' is not a pronoun. Never has been, never will be. Neither is 'buddy.'

Ralph was predictably voted out, leaving the tribe both more literate, and less hairy.

Then the twist played out, an impromptu Immunity challenge that was essentially a live game of Simon. Dave was furious at missing out on another puzzle-type challenge, Julie whispered the most obvious statement in Survivor history by saying "Steve's gotta win", and Rob won easily. (Was there even a doubt?)

Although I did believe the Andrea swerve was about to go down, Ometepe chopped off the final member of Zapatera, sending Steve to Redemption (Non) Island, before calling it a night.

And to all of you conspiracy theorists out there who will suggest that the double Zapatera elimination was cooked up to speed up the inevitable, I don't buy it. I'm sure it was planned in advance.

But I had a better idea for the "Twist." How awesome would it have been if the tile said, the three people on Redemption Island will compete RIGHT NOW, the winner is back in the game, and THEN there is an immediate vote...and the Redemption (Non) Island returnee has immunity. Am I wrong? Wouldn't that have been great?

Next Week: Ometepe has no choice but to eat their own.

Survivor Fans, feel free to bookmark the site or add your name as a Follower on the sidebar to the left. You can also add me on Facebook or on Twitter, where I post all of the recaps as soon as they go up. Don’t forget to mouse over the pictures for captions, and please leave a Comment in the Comments section if you’re so inclined.

Thanks for reading.

Survivor Recap: "I'm The Chief Of Counter-Intelligence"

After last week’s predictable double elimination of former Zapatera members, are we finally going to see an interesting episode, or are we in for the continued systematic post-merge dismantling along Tribal lines? Is the Redemption Island “duel” actually going to be a three-person challenge? And why is Phillip playing the Race Card?


My Random Thoughts:

- Previously on…Survivor. Jeff’s voice-over reminded us that Sarita said David crumbles under pressure, and David didn’t like that. I couldn’t decide whether that meant we were going to see David absolutely kill the Redemption Island challenge, or suck donkeys again. But I knew for certain at this moment that it was going to be one or the other. I’m getting a little tired of the Previously segments telling us what they think we need to know for this episode. Go back to the old way of a simple recap without the obvious foreshadowing moments of what is about to happen in the episode.

- Night vision recap: at Redemption (Non) Island, Matt still loves Jesus, and is still looking to him for guidance and strength. I'll say what I, and many others, have said on numerous occasions...I'm pretty sure Jesus has some other items on his agenda that rank slightly ahead of "Help Matt win a duel that may help in get back into a game that he will likely get voted out of for a third time." Does that sound like a high priority? 

Personally, I would have loved for a majestic voice to come booming down at that moment and say, "Matt, this is Jesus. I will help you, as long as you stop saying "Whaaaaat???" every time someone tells you something."

- Back at camp, Steve became a yappy bitch for some reason, complaining about Phillip "flapping gums" at Tribal Council. I'm so sick of Steve within the parameters of this game. He's done absolutely nothing except for manufacture the single worst move in the game, throwing a challenge to eliminate Russell, and then watched his Tribe get sawed off one by one with nary a whimper. He's won nothing, he barely contends in challenges, and now he's complaining about Phillip "flapping gums", when he's actually the one doing the flapping. Honestly, what has Steve done in this game?

- Phillip was working on making sure his magic feather was placed just right on his headband as he prepared to look his finest for this episode. I loved the shot of Phillip staring at the hawk right as the opening sequence began, and then it all made sense to me...

Do you remember the Wonder Twins from Justice League America? The brother and sister that would smack their fists together and say "Wonder Twin powers...activate!" before one of them turned into an animal, and the other into some form of water. I submit to you...that Coach Wade is one of the Wonder Twins!

Think about it, it makes total sense! He's activated his power, and turned into a hawk (obviously), who then flew to Nicaragua, and dropped a feather of divine inspiration for Phillip as a way to connect the two of them. That's why we're hearing the hawk screech, like we always heard with Coach. And that's why there was that shot of Phillip and the Hawk at the beginning of this episode...he has now connected with his Wonder Twin Spirit Guide. The Federal Agent figured it all out.

- Zapatera decided that if they were going to all be heading home soon anyways, why not pig out on the rice, as Julie put an astonishing seven-and-a-half scoops of rice in that pot (and none of them crispy!)  Philip then turned into the "rice police", as Rob referred to him. I'm thinking that Rice Nazi was probably a better analogy, referring to the Soup Nazi on Seinfeld, but with the racial undertones that surfaced shortly after this, maybe "Nazi" wouldn't have gone over so well, after all.

As an aside, isn't it amazing how divided this "merged" tribe still is? I know that at a merge, a lot of the time alliances remain based on Tribal lines, but these two former Tribes have different shelters, different food stores, and pretty much different everything. Can you ever remember seeing that on a "merged" tribe?

Phillip commented on the rice situation, saying "I’m watching Zapatera like a lion.” Dammit Phillip, why do you always mess up the analogies!? It's "watch like a hawk", not a lion, and if my theory about Coach and the hawk is right above, then it's even more confusing...unless you were deliberately trying to draw attention away from the idea of a hawk so that we wouldn't catch on to you and Coach. Damn you're good.

But with all the jumbled metaphors that Phillip gives us, I want him to stay around as long as possible, just so I can hear something ridiculous like "Why don't you make like a stapler, and get out of here", or "Don't count your puppies before they cross the road."

- Redemption Island featured the old House of Cards challenge, and 450...that's right FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY specially made tiles. If you weren't on board with my "Mark Burnett bought a shitload of tiles on discount" bandwagon before, feel free to hop right on. (And yes, I know they were wood, but they were still tiles!)

I didn't like that only the loser was eliminated. As Jeff said, “you don’t have to be first, just don’t be last”, and I found yet another reason to hate Redemption Island. Come on man, it's bad enough that when you're voted out, you're not really out, but now you can compete in the follow-up challenge, NOT WIN IT, and still not be eliminated? Ridiculous.

Mike won, Matt came second, and Puzzle Master Dave was a mile behind. Shocking.

- At camp, the simple topic of rice started a massive blowup. It started out in a very civil manner, as Andrea came over to ask Steve and Julie if they could use their rice container, and was told no. No big deal, asked and answered...no drama.

Enter Phillip, who asked the same thing in a more aggressive manner, and then when he got the same answer, progressed to insistence that it was going to go the way he wanted. Then, something Steve did set him off. I'm not sure exactly what it was. Maybe it was the "lunatic" comment, maybe the refusal to bend on the rice issue, or perhaps it was due to the fact that during this whole argument, Steve was too lazy to even sit up, as he just laid on his side in a prone position? Seriously, how lazy is this guy that he can't even sit up to argue? Do you know how much credibility you lose when you're angry laying on your side?

Then it happened.

Phillip played the Race Card, insisting that Steve was saying no and saying he was crazy because he was black. Look, I'm sure there's going to be a TON written on this in the coming days, by many people smarter (and funnier) than me, so I'm not going to give it a lot of lip service. I will say however, that I was surprised by this exchange:

Phillip: "You need to make the decisions you need to make, and I need to make the decision I need to make."
Steve: "Right on, Brother."

I'm surprised because Phillip didn't explode, yelling "Who the hell are you calling 'Brother'???"

Phillip then referred to himself as "the chief of counter-intelligence”, which I'm assuming meant (to Phillip) that he's able to counter any opposing forces' intelligence by out-thinking them. I'm convinced, however, that it means 'whatever is intelligent, I'm about to do the opposite.'

And I say that because his next speech to the viewers was as follows: "I'm like a lot of black men. We’re prepared to self destruct at any moment. Cuz that’s what happens to a lot of black men. They do self destruct and (grabs imaginary gun from imaginary holster and shoots) BAM BAM BAM BAM!!!”

And why not follow it up with an N-Bomb?

That screeching sound you heard was Phillip setting race relations back 20 years.

- At the Immunity (No Reward!) Challenge, Probst's shirt was borderline grey, but still blue, everyone saw that it was a two part jigsaw puzzle, and all 9 of them shared a silent, introspective moment to acknowledge that Dave would not be able to participate. (I assume it was edited out, but it had to happen, right? All must pay respect for Puzzle Master Dave.)

I turned to my girlfriend at the beginning of this challenge and said two things: 1) This challenge is 100% Rob's, and 2) If Ralph wins this, I'll bend through my own legs and kiss my own ass.

Sean - 2. Survivor - 0

- Did Natalie say a word this episode? It seemed like every time we even saw her, it was when Phillip was ranting and she had the same look on her face...a look that said "What the hell is going on? Please get me out of the vicinity of this insanity." Yes, I know she spoke at Tribal Council, but all she really said was "I like Phillip and I like Steve." Wow, great TV there, Natalie.

- I was amused at Julie burying Phillip's shorts, but the short-term amusement turned into theoretical long term anger, as I realized that if he didn't find them, then we're stuck with Phillip in his tighty-pinkies the rest of the way. And when I realized that, I hated Julie with a blinding rage that made me want to go outside and find a puppy to kick...and then find another one, and kick it too.

Ashley's comment was “everybody in camp is over Phillip”, but it should have been “everybody in camp wants Phillip to wear pants at all times.” All of the remaining tribe members should have banded together to find those damn shorts, for the good of the show, and the sanity of the viewing audience.

Phillip responded with “I can play that game,” which was very confusing. Does that mean everyone's clothes are going to get buried?  I think what Phillip should do is start grabbing other people's clothes and storing them in the front pouch of those baggy briefs, snuggled in there nice and close up with his Little Federal Agent. Then when they take issue with it, say "Then find my damn shorts!" How fast do you think the search would begin?

- Tribal Council started off uneventful: missing shorts, Rice-Gate, David getting spooked by a bug that was the size of a small bird, then the Jeff Probst Therapy session came to order and the Steve vs. Phillip race conversation began. Like I said, I'm not going into it in-depth, but I will say that I don't think Steve was untoward in any way, and I think Phillip over-reacted. I don't like Steve as a player in this game, but as a person, the way he handled this whole situation (calmy, with dignity) was commendable, and showed great character. Even in the voting booth, when he could have fired back a barb at Phillip, he just expressed that he hopes Phillip finds peace.

And let's give credit to Dr. Probst on a job well done in this episode. I thought he handled that whole situation exceptionally well...and even uncovered the shorts thief in the process. "If this were therapy, I’d say very good session” - I laughed hard at that one.

So Ralph spelled a name wrong (AGAIN), and Julie was voted out 6-3, leaving with a final jab at Phillip "Guess you’re not gonna ever find your shorts."  Great...now I have to find a THIRD puppy!

It really says how anti-climactic the voting has been when the ordering of votes for three consecutive Tribal Councils has been all of the Zapatera votes first, and then the Ometepe votes last. Yes, it's that predictable...they want that extra few seconds of believing we don't actually know who is going home.

- What did you think, should an episode of Reality TV contain this much Religion and Alleged Racism? Isn't that a bit of a harsh left turn for Survivor? Let's hear from you in the Comments section.

Next week: Phillip is happy, and Matt breaks down.

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